Aberiah's blog

2011-11-30T19:09:00.001-08:00

Holy shit I won bitches!!!!!!!!! I have soooooooooooooo many things to say about my NaNoWriMo experience but, honestly? I've been writing for the past two hours and I'm kind of over it for tonight.

Floating around in my pool of euphoria,

Some chic you don't know

NaNoWriMo

2011-11-07T19:09:00.000-08:00

I'll see you on the other side!

Just a couple more things I've figured out about myself...

2011-09-20T20:19:00.000-07:00

A couple things I have learned about my decorating style.
First, I like wood for wood. I ran across a project book today on painting wood furniture. While some of the projects looked "okay", I cringed at the thought of covering up something so beautiful with paint. I mean, why?! I love the way wood looks, smells and feels. How could paint ever hold a candle to the natural grain pattern of wood?! Needless to say I didn't think I could actually go through with any of the projects in the book and therefore my thoughts on the subject were solidified. I hope to get into old-fashioned woodworking in the not-so-distant future and build the simple furniture I need. Stay tuned for that!

Second, I like black and white photos...black and white. Maybe my intro photography class has turned me into a snob but I want black and white photos on my walls, with the correct size WHITE mats housed in BLACK frames. My mother recently has put some of my black and white photos on my walls using blue frames and computer paper mats and while I am ecstatic to have my art on the wall and I do like the blue frames, the combination of it all is just not setting right with me. Every day I walk by and remind myself that it must be done up to spec SOON.

Here's to stained wood furniture and walls covered in correctly displayed black and white photography!

2011-09-15T20:44:00.000-07:00

Just finished the movie Mooz-Lum and this song is at the end and I thought it was so beautiful that I had to blog it so that I could save it for later. Enjoy.

It's been SOOOOOOOOOOO long!

2011-09-08T20:02:00.000-07:00

All I feel like doing right now is saving some outfits here that I think are cute and would like to wear so that I know what to look for when shopping for fall. Thanks and good night. :)

family day out by cocoonlovin featuring cropped skinny jeans

Sweet Freedom by alittlebelle featuring flower sunglasses

Nothing lasts forever♥ by lolypop276 featuring low rise shorts

hmmmm not for fall but loved this one

Untitled by cherryblossom featuring a skinny leather belt

soccer by aussie-brunetti featuring brown knee high boots

Denim skirt by verabrasil-polyvore featuring brown sunglasses

Untitled by musthavejcrew featuring a zipper wallet

Early Autumn (Sunday Afternoon) by tjmcd featuring cashmere tops

Untitled by professornutterbutter featuring a button front skirt

well I'm tired thats all for now

Slide I want to remember...

2011-03-16T14:12:00.000-07:00

This slide is from the class I'm currently taking on the history of photography. The poem is titled Ozymandias by Percy Bysse Shelley and the photo is an albumen print made by Francis Frith of the fallen statue of Ramses II in Thebes. We talked about the combination of this poem and photo being a "poignant reminder of the rise and fall of all civilizations". ~Paul Karabinas, UNF
Anyway, I like this "reminder" because it is humbling and I like how it allows me to take a step back and once again align myself with the bigger picture of life--things come and go, things ebb and flow. Life, to me, equals movement. I feel that rigid mindsets can be fear inducing and that change, even though hard at times, is full of opportunities for growth and progress. These changes can range from a career change to the imminent fall of America as a world power.

I love you Carl Rogers :)

2011-03-12T09:08:00.000-08:00

So, I am reading Carl Roger's, On Becoming a Person for class and I just wanted to jot down a thought for future inspection.
I now know that there are many different types of psychotherapies out there today. I think I knew this before but never really thought about it. Now that I am face to face with it in my readings I have really taken the time to think critically about my three different experiences with therapy and the kind described in this book (client-centered therapy). I feel much more inclined to this client-centered therapy in comparison with what I have experienced. I am 1) interested in finding out about other types of psychotherapy 2) interested in seeing if they appeal to me as much as this type does 3) realizing that their is a general lack of communication to the layperson about which type of therapy/therapist they are experiencing 4) going to try to seek out a client-centered therapist when I return to therapy in the future.
If you have experienced therapy or wish to, I suggest checking out this book. It not only gives insight into therapy from a therapist's view but from a client's view. It has helped me immensely.

I'm going scaleless!!

2011-02-08T21:27:00.000-08:00

That's right...I'm going scaleless for awhile. Our beloved scale/bodyfat "measurer" has recently died. It was a great scale and lasted us many years. Let's have a moment of silence...

Soooo, I have been weighing my options for a new scale for the last two weeks.
-old fashioned mechanical scale (simple, cheap, and I trust it more buuuut hard to see and doesn't give me bodyfat)
-scale/bodyfat combo again (does it all but expensive, none of them really have great reviews and sometimes they are wildly inaccurate depending on time of day and hydration levels)
-go scaleless! (there are various ways of measuring bodyfat which is one part of what I am most concerned with buuuut without knowing my weight I can't know how much lean muscle I have, had or gaining)

Well, I don't feel like spending that much money on a scale right now--because I would rather buy things like blackout curtains for my bedroom (sleepy sigh/yawn)--so I looked to my books. I am certified as a personal trainer but don't work as one so I sought out my formulas, took my measurements and got calculating. While this is not an end-all-be-all way of knowing your bodyfat by far, if done consistently I will be able to see gains or losses of fat. Woohoo! So, my bodyfat as of today is......
Drumroll.......
29.63%
Hard seeing that number when two years ago right before I got pregnant it was at 16% buuuuuuut I had a baby eight months ago and it was about what I expected. Starting numbers are starting numbers.
What to do from here?? Cardio, strength training, clean eating, and all that jazz. It will be fun watching that number drop! What are you doing with your body right now? Join me on my scaleless journey.

Deep question...

2011-02-05T09:07:00.000-08:00

I'm reading On Becoming a Person by Carl Rogers for one of my classes and I came upon a profound question. Ready?? Are you sure?? Okay, here it comes.

"Am I living in a way which is deeply satisfying to me, and which truly expresses me?"

Take a few minutes to really marinate on that one. I love potentially life changing questions.

Budding photographer...

2011-02-04T05:57:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, it's been a long time. Buuuut, I have a baby, toddler, and husband and they need my attention more than you do so we (that's you and me) have just had to deal. Moving on...

I'm back in school this semester!! Woohoo!! Last year of undergrad!! Moving on again...

One of the classes I am taking this semester is Black and White Photography. This is basically the beginner photography class offered at my University. Let me just say that I have experienced quite a range of emotions due to my work in this class; excitement, wonder, pride, happiness, confusion, enlightenment, envy, disgust, self-loathing, sadness, etc..

We are wrapping up our first major project this week in which we have shot, developed negatives, made contact sheets, and our first prints in the darkroom. Here I will jot down some things I have learned and new questions and goals that I have for the next project.

1. Dust really is the devil. It is amazing to me how one speck of dust can look like an inch long white scratch on an 8X10 print. I have seen a couple of dust specks on my lens as well. Sooooo, I have invested in a lens filter and will be learning to clean my lens from my professor and attaching the lens filter. Thus, all I have to do is clean the lens filter. Take that dust! Now to just keep dust off of my film. Don't have any answers for that one yet.

2. All of my prints were very grainy compared with a lot of my classmates. I have ruled out the film speed issue since we are all using the same film. I have concluded that it must either be my focusing technique or I am shaky as hell. I'm guessing it is a little bit of both. I have now invested in a small tabletop tripod and will be using the self-timer on my camera for still shots. I will report back at a later date if this improves my pictures.

3. I know almost nothing about composition. I had heard of the rule of thirds and that is all. I have done a little extra googling and read a couple of articles online so I have a couple of new things I will try for the next project.

4. Take time. What I am focusing on and everything else that I can see through that viewfinder have equal importance. I tend to only really "see" what I am focusing on but when I print out the picture I see all the other ugly shit, or lack of, around it. Be conscious of EVERYTHING going in to each and every photo and make sure it is what you want to show before you press that shutter.

5. Lighting gives you options. I shot our first project in my kitchen and cursed myself the whole time I was shooting for not picking something outside. There was not enough light so I had to bring in a lamp and point it at everything I was taking a picture of. It was a pain in the ass and now I have realized that most of my prints look washed out because of the blinding light pointed at the subject. Plus, because I still barely had enough light I as only able to use about two aperture openings and a lower shutter speed. I didn't really get to try out many different shutter/aperture options. I will try to shoot out of doors next time.

6. The dark room is sexy! However, and this is a big however, it takes FOREVER. I'm hoping that its only because I am new that it takes me over an hour to make a test print and then eventually (through many trial and errors with filters, exposure time, and aperture) get my final print.

7. Black and white pictures will look different than color pictures. This may seem like an obvious statement but I have realized that I rely on color in my pictures to judge what I think will look good but that just doesn't come through in the black and white pics. I may really love the colors in a setting but what I REALLY should be looking for is what would give me a broad range of blacks, whites and grays.

8. I am still fuzzy on depth of field. I think I am on the edge of grasping how to get what I want with depth of field but I am not there yet. I think the next chapter covers it though.

9. I am still confused on focusing. When I am focusing, do I only worry about lining up the two half circles or do I try to focus the textured ring too? What if what I want to focus on is not in the middle of my frame. I know dslr's have focus lock? Where you can choose and lock on to what you want to focus on in the frame. How would I do this on a manual SLR?

I think that just about covers it for now. Lots of things to think about and remember for the next project. Please if you know the answers to any of these questions or can add any helpful comments drop me a line. It would be much appreciated.

See ya!

unedited morning journaling

2010-10-06T10:47:00.000-07:00

-
So today I took Derek to his 4 month old well-baby check up appointment. Can't believe he is 4 months now and I'm ecstatic about it. Just think, within the next couple of months he will be crawling and eating food! Oh ya, and we are officially 1/3 of the way through the first year. I'm not a baby person so I don't enjoy the first year much. I am more of a toddler gal. Taison is doing a lot better with the whole Derek situation now. I think we are out of the worst now and he seems to really dig him more every day. Rice won us a free laptop by accident and it came yesterday! It is what I am using to write this on right now. We're going to share this one and I can use it at school if I need to. Exciting!! I am slowly getting back to my self again. I think I will get there a lot faster this time around. With Taison I didn't even start doing any "Abby" activities until Taison was a little over a year old. The one thing that is not going so well is the weight loss as I have been 185 for a month now. BUT, I can't really blame anyone but myself because I haven't been eating consistently well yet. I also have not been drinking enough water. Soooo, what can I do to alleviate this little issue? I need a new water bottle...and maybe a chart of some sort on the fridge to keep me motivated for awhile. As far as eating, well, I need a meal plan basically. Before I do that though I need to figure out how many calories I need right now. Always fun to guess at this number when your breastfeeding. I've also been doing a little work on my time management. I have been keeping tabs on my activities and as it turns out I DO in fact have time for everything I want to do. I just don't have seemingly endless blocks of open free time like I did before Taison and Derek came into the picture. What I'm trying to say is that I can do it all, but just in small increments during each day. The one thing I haven't picked back up yet is sewing. I could easily do one step a day on a garment and finish it in a week or two, I'm just trying to decided if the payoff is good enough giving that I am losing weight and won't be able to wear it for long.

Okay what do I want to get done soon...
-pluck eyebrows
-finish and put up trash bag Halloween decorations
-do a run/walk
-do a 10 min. stretch
-do some light strength training
-cook dinner
-do a couple of 20 min cleaning blocks
-find and purchase Derek a Gator's shirt
-shave
-FINISH MY RECERT for NASM!!!
-Call UNF and make sure I am ready to go for spring registration

These are those moments when I look at my list and realize that if I didn't have small children I could easily get all of this accomplished in one day. Buuuuuuut, I don't. My reality is that my little one just got shots today so he will probably have a low grade fever today, tonight, and maybe some of tomorrow and my little toddler wants to do what he wants when he wants which pretty much is playing outside ALL day.

I think that concludes my random thoughts of the morning so far. Peace out and see you next time.

the life of one stay-at-home-mom...

2010-10-02T07:21:00.000-07:00

My time management needs some work. There, ahhhhh, that first step is always the hardest right?

So...what am I going to do about this little issue? I have vowed to write down all of my activities for a week so I can see where I can be more efficient and plan accordingly. Yesterday was my first day and as I looked back on my day I giggled. Instead of doing anything in large blocks of time which is what I thought I was doing, my day was a LONG list of 15 minutes activities for the most part. I thought it would be fun to write everything I did here and preserve a day in my life as a stay-at-home-mom with a toddler and infant. So here it goes...

Woke up by kids at 9am

hang out with kids...

make everyone breakfast, eat, put away clean dishes, change diapers...

hang out with kids...

kid's baths...

rock baby to sleep...

hold/nurse sleeping baby while watching latest episode of Vampire Diaries and start a new movie...

make Derek's 4 month old well-baby checkup appointment...

hang out with Rice and kids...

pay bills...

put Derek to sleep...

stretching...

work on/plan finances...

facebook...

hold both kids...

hang out with Rice and kids...

laundry...

make everyone lunch, eat...

feed Derek...

hang out with kids...

groom myself (ie. shower, brush teeth, etc.)...

more laundry...

hang out with only Taison...

planning/reviewing goals...

outdoor cardio with both kids in tow...

more laundry and cleaning...

Make everyone dinner, eat...

more planning/appointment making...

email...

try to learn about selling on EBay/hang out with Taison...

put Taison to sleep...

EBay learning again/work on my first listing...

watch another part of movie...

1:30am BEDTIME!!

While this is not every single thing I did yesterday (extreme multi-tasking is a mom must) it sums up the major stuff pretty well. What can I look forward to tomorrow? Pretty much the same thing, with different to-do's/errands. And so on and so forth.

I have a little over three more years of being a stay-at-home-mom/student left and while the kids and I absolutely love it, sometimes it leaves me feeling like this...

NIN-Everyday Is Exactly The Same

: ) What are your days like?

100 posts strong!

2010-09-30T18:08:00.000-07:00

I've had this blog for three years now and I just hit my first 100 posts milestone. Thank you blog for always being there for me. Thank you blog community for being who you are but more importantly who you're not.

A journal prompt...

2010-09-30T17:37:00.000-07:00

from Dave Ellis's Becoming a Master Student.

What I want from my education is...

Options, self discovery, and self-actualization. An education is something that no one can take away from me. It opens my mind and therefore the world up to me and the knowledge I gain gives me power. It opens up career opportunities that I would not be privy to without it.

When I complete my education I want to be able to...

Make a comfortable living for myself and my family and be happy doing it.

I also want...
My children to see me finish something and set a good example for them of commitment, integrity, determination and accomplishment. I want to equal my husband in education. I want to be as self-reliant and independent as I choose. I want to make sure that should I decide to further my education, I will be in a position to do so.

workout blahness...

2010-07-24T13:50:00.000-07:00

So I used my workout today to attempt to exercise a few demons. 32 minutes of trying to ride as fast as I can hoping that I can leave some of this shit behind me. This is often what ends up happening during my workouts where I am alone and have access to my music. Anyway, it never works but it does help to feed my anger which in turn feels good to me (think strong, empowerment, control) and helps me kick my workouts up a notch which is usually a good thing. Well, I am still supposed to be taking it easy with my workouts and I did not today which in turn left me with getting off of my bike with a limp (went away after a few minutes though).

My playlist for today was...on repeat
Eminem-Beautiful

Eminem-I Think My Dad's Gone Crazy

Incubus-Pistola

My last thought for this post is that this was the first time I have worked out "by myself" since the baby was born 7 weeks ago and I needed that shit! Good shit! :)

SUPER grammerless rambling straight from brain to keyboard (no filter) about my mother

2010-07-22T22:23:00.000-07:00

Okay these are literally thoughts with no filter so excuse misused/mispelled words and gross grammar.

So today I had an epiphany. I hate my mother and don't want to be like her at all but people tell me a lot that I am just like my mother, both in mannerisms and character. Generally, I try to do the opposite of what she would like it is always in the back of my mind...what would she do, okay I will do the opposite.This brings me to what I was pondering this evening. Right now I am a stay at home mom(so was she) and I have a hard time imagining myself in any 9to 5 career. I just can't figure out what the hell to do with my life without wanting to off myself on the interstate on the way to work every day. I have thought librarian, therapist, writer? What? I have learned about myself that I need a lot of alone time for intro/retrospection. I kind of stay inside my own head most of the time just thinking about things. Well, I feel like because I feel this way (about not doing the career thing) that I am being like her and shunning the outside world. Which makes me crazy because normally I would do the opposite but I know that would make me unhappy. So I feel like I am one step closer to becoming my mother which is one of the worst things in my mind that I could become or be like. It is suffocating being her daughter. Obviously I can't get away from her DNA and whether I like it or not I have it in my genetic makeup. So,I will be like her in ways whether I like it or not. A thought that I would have rather never been born than to recreate her in any way. Anyway, this all led me to think that lots of people don't do 9 to 5 jobs and probably feel the same way that I do and that doesn't mean they are becoming my mother so why should I feel that way. Ugh, I had all this clear and in order in my head not 30 minutes ago and I was begging myself not to lose it and now it is gone. I can't remember how it all went together. Basically, I can do whatever I want and it doesn't matter because this is just something I will deal with for the rest of my life. I can see myself worrying about if I being like her as an old lady. The bigger picture being that every single person on this planet is dealing with little idiosyncrasies such as this in their lives and that is just one of the things that comes with my little person package.Well, anyway here is something else I have just realized. I hate my mother not only for the way she was but for the things that she indirectly took from me during my time with her. Things that I can never get back. I am still so bitter and I know it is not good for me, or rather, have been told that hundreds of times, but as of right now I don't know if that will ever go away. I often wonder what I will feel when she dies. Will I have regret? Will I feel free of her? Will I be happy? Will I be sad? I hate that I am bitter and resentful due to other's actions. I hate that I let them affect me this way. Well, there are too many new things popping up in this noggin of mine and I can only type one sentence at a time. I may be back later, maybe not.

news but no news

2010-05-18T08:59:00.000-07:00

Well, this is the belly at 37 weeks. I have not forgotten you blog, I'm just desperately trying to keep my depression above water a.k.a. no delving into my deep feelings and writing about them. Other than that I have done a TON of cooking but am too tired to post about any of it and I haven't touched sewing for months. I am looking forward to it though once I start losing ALL this WEIGHT!! That's all for now. Next time we meet I may have a pic of my new little one to share. Happy blogging!

New books and baby bump

2010-03-05T12:37:00.000-08:00

Oh ya! I forgot to tell you all that I have acquired four new sewing books that I am currently reading cover to cover. So exciting!!! Yes, I am a nerd. So far they are GREAT and really informative. I can't wait for my body to finish "expanding" and then to "shrink" back to a stable size so I can really get down to mastering fit. Oh and just for giggles here is my current 27 week baby bump/mountain. :)

Pattern review-Simplicity 3762/View B

2010-03-05T12:14:00.001-08:00

Pattern Description: Maternity knit and woven tops

Pattern Sizing:Size R5-14, 16, 18, 20, 22; I made size 20 (GAH! I wanted to cry, joys of pregnancy)

Did it look like the photo/drawing on the pattern envelope once you were done sewing with it?Yes, minus the inset. (Sorry for the blurry photo)

Were the instructions easy to follow?The instructions were a little more complicated than I thought they needed to be but I was able to follow them okay. It seemed like there were a few things that could have been done an easier/better way if one knew how and had the confidence. I had some ideas to make things easier but just went ahead with the instructions.

What did you particularly like or dislike about the pattern?I like that these will feel good during my pregnant summer months due to simple fabric choices, but I feel like these are a little "overly" maternity. Just because I am pregnant doesn't mean that I want my clothes to scream "maternity". Also, the casing for the elastic seems too small to get the elastic stretched evenly throughout. My fingers were raw trying to ease it all the way around. I couldn't get it right though so the elastic part is a lot tighter than I think it is supposed to be.

Fabric Used:100% cotton knit

Pattern alterations or any design changes you made:Once I finished the shirt and tried it on the inset was huge and gaping so I just cut it out. Once I did this however the casing that houses the elastic kept flipping up and showing. See below for my ideas on this.

Would you sew it again? Would you recommend it to others?I don't think I will make this view again because it was not very flattering for my "pregnant" arms but I will try others on this pattern. I will leave out the insets from now on and I will be using a different method on the elastic casing part and definitely making it wider.

Conclusion: Though there are much cuter maternity clothes RTW in stores I do have to say that this shirt is super comfortable. I will keep this one for around the house and try some of the others on this pattern. If you have big upper arms I would not recommend this view though because it was rather unflattering on me.

The new robe is done

2010-03-04T19:25:00.000-08:00

So here it is! I don't think that I posted a pic of the last one or did a pattern review on it so...

Pattern Description: Toddler's robe, belt, tops and pants: Unlined robe has hood, long sleeves and self belt; tops have VELCRO closure at shoulders and long sleeves; top B has ruffle as lower edge; pull-on pants has elastic waist; pants has ruffle at lower edge.

Pattern Sizing:Sizes 1-4; I made size 4 for my three year old.

Did it look like the photo/drawing on the pattern envelope once you were done sewing with it?Yes

Were the instructions easy to follow?Very easy

What did you particularly like or dislike about the pattern?I love how quickly this goes together and it only has 5 pieces. It's not the prettiest on the inside but its unlined so that is just me being picky.

Fabric Used:US Air Force Fleece

Pattern alterations or any design changes you made:No changes but I did accidentally cut both of these out upside down. Oops! I really need to stop cutting at night when my brain is frazzled.

Would you sew it again? Would you recommend it to others?This is my second time sewing this. I sewed it in a size 1 originally but my little guy outgrew it. I am actually thinking about making the size 2 and 3 as well and then my new baby will be able to run through them when he becomes a toddler. I definitely recommend this pattern for an easy, quick toddler robe.

And here is the old one since I don't think I posted it here before. Yes, we are Gators fans here. :)

new robe for Taison in the works...

2010-03-03T23:22:00.001-08:00

Okay, about my new sewing venture...its going to be another robe for my little guy who is three now. Same pattern as the last one (which was Florida Gators fleece) but three sizes bigger and this time he picked out US Air Force Fleece. Go figure since hubby is in the Navy. Ah well, the boy saw jets and wanted jets. So fabric prep is done, machine has been threaded, notions have been bought, layout, cutting, and marking are done--I am ready to sew this baby together. Here is the ridiculous part! I cut it out upside down AGAIN! I did the same thing to the last one I made. Either this thing is cursed or I need to stop cutting at night before bed. Hmmm, probably the latter. At least its just a fleece bath robe and not something uber expensive.

Mini Penne with Parmesan Chicken

2010-03-01T16:32:00.000-08:00

Okay peeps I cooked again. Actually I have cooked a lot since I was here last but the only one that goes here is from Giada's cookbook. (Check a few posts back if you don't know what I am talking about)

This time around I made Mini Penne with Parmesan Chicken and it was a hit! This cookbook is GREAT! The downside was that this dish has altogether over 4,000 calories in it. So just beware and watch what you eat the rest of the day. I love pasta and I love when I can combine flavors I would not have thought to combine and have them turn out so good. I get all that in this dish and hubby loved it too. Can't find a pic right now, sorry.

That's all I wish to delve into right now, just know that I am sewing something new right now...

too much

2010-02-28T00:28:00.001-08:00

Gosh, I have wanted to post for days as there is so much bouncing around in my head but the task of getting it down here is too daunting.

Sooooo, I will just say that it has been an emotional rollercoaster the last few days and once again I am the only one who knew about it. I sometimes find it hard to believe that there can be so much going on inside of me and yet I must look like some emotional void to the rest of the world. I guess that I really am that good of an actor, without even trying. It gets annoying sometimes. It would be nice to be tapped into or noticed sometime.

Okay good night for now.

Big sigh

2010-02-21T03:53:00.001-08:00

It is almost 7am and I STILL cannot go to sleep. I can't do this shit anymore...living...yet I keep doing it. I forget what I am fighting for sometimes...everything kind of gets overshadowed sometimes...I'm not even fighting, I'm only existing. What kind of life is that? I don't have anything left for the people I love. I'm starting to hate my birthday a little...its becoming more like the day I died than the day I was born. Not my fault but eh...life's not fair, right?

more from Giada De Laurentiis' Everyday Pasta Cookbook

2010-02-19T23:29:00.000-08:00

Three new recipes today...

-Bruschetta with Frisee, Prosciutto, and Mozzarella-These were another appetizer from the front of the cookbook. Basically they were like little sandwiches but YUM!! They were drizzled with a Red Wine Vinaigrette, my first, that was also from the cookbook. It was delicious and I ended up using some on a salad I ate later. Lastly, I made Creamy Orzo and oh man it was good. It was also very satisfying to sit and watch my three year old eat tomatoes, onions, and peas(all contained within this dish) and love it. This is once again not my photo but it is what I made. Try this, you will love it!

Well, contrary to how this post may sound right now I am actually drowning in depression right now as always and don't have any more in me to just fake so I am gonna bow out of here for tonight and head into the land of music. 'Night...

A catch-all...

2010-02-17T00:35:00.001-08:00

So this is going to be a little of a catch-all. I have a few things rattling around in my noggin and just need to get them down/tell someone.
First, and most pressing is that our heater seems to have broken. It is 65 degrees in our house right now and its the middle of the night. I shudder, pun intended, to think how cold it is going to be in here by morning. Luckily we live in Florida so its not like we are going to freeze or anything. Maintenance will be getting a call from me in the morning...just one of the perks of on-base housing.
Second, with regards to the weather, my seeds are sprouting!!! I documented the beginning of my first container garden here and I am happy to say that it seems to be working. I will give them a little time to become more visible before I photograph them and post here. If all goes well then I will just need to thin them out a little and then go get my two tomato plants and I will be well on my way down gardening lane. Gosh I am so corny sometimes.
Third, I recently got back into sewing and made up a quick knit maternity top. What should have been an easy, quick, comfy top ended up being a disaster that sucked up all of my sewing mojo and spit it out. I will be posting a review soon for that...ugh I don't even want to post any pics but I will. Soooooo, I am getting my mojo back slowly and since I am all preggers and fat and my body is, and will be, ever changing for probably the next year I am focusing on educating myself on all things sewing. I had just started down the "pants fitting" journey before I got pregnant and I still want to master this. I ripped into my "to donate" bag and got out all of my old jeans that I liked but had minor issues and I have started deconstructing them and cataloging measurements, fabrics, design details, etc. I plan on making simple patterns from these and comparing them to each other and to other pants patterns I buy/have to help with my fitting issues. Eventually, I will know my lower body like the back of my hand and be able to fit it like a glove. I found a lot of great fashion design textbooks online as well and have added those to my wish list. I looked up some design school course outlines to see what they basically cover to guide me. I saw things like color theory and design, textiles, fashion drawing/sketching, and obviously they are well versed in the construction of garments, etc. I know zip about most of these things but can see how they would all help me in my quest to becoming a great seamstress. Some of you are probably thinking that this is WAY overboard but this is just the way I do things. As my husband often says about my slightly obsessive compulsive personality, "I go hard." I completely immerse myself in things and soak up anything I can find on the subject.
Fourth, I cooked something new today. Well, I almost always cook something new. What I mean is that I cooked something that I have never had before, French Onion Soup. I got the recipe out of my giant Better Homes and Garden Cookbook (Love this cookbook by the way and you can get your copy here if you want). The soup was low calorie and even though the taste was different than what I am used to it was a bit addicting as I downed three servings of it. My three year old even liked it and that is saying a lot!

Have I mentioned it is COLD in here!!!!

just chatting into cyberspace

2010-02-09T01:03:00.000-08:00

Okay so we are on day three of the garden. Still no seedlings but I shouldn't expect to see anything for about another four days. I really suck at remembering to water them daily so they have been getting their watering at about 3am everyday as that is around the time that I remember.

On another note, my little one turned three today. What a big day! We had a small party for him with some family and his little cousins. He had fun, there were gifts, there was cake, it was all good but my goodness was that stressful. I have never been more sure that I am not the entertaining type. I was stressed out all weekend about having people flowing through my house. I believe that everyone has a personal space all their own. It may be small or large but it is private and relaxing for them. Maybe it is your car, or the bathtub, or your bedroom or office. Well, mine happens to be my entire house. I hate having people in my house around my personal things and everything in my house falls under the category of "my personal things". Its one of the things I have a really hard time with about being married/living with someone because my husband has friends and family over sometimes and of course it is his house too so that is his prerogative but I get very uncomfortable until everyone leaves again.

On to sewing...I have been getting the sewing itch back lately. I cleaned my sewing space up and there are tons of new cute patterns to be made BUT I am still a big fat pregnant lady for a few more months so I bought a maternity shirt pattern for now just to be working on something. I have some purple jersey in my small stash but I need to pick up some tissue paper for tracing the pattern and then I can get started. I'm sure I will let you all know when that is. Okay, enough for tonight.

My first garden

2010-02-06T22:47:00.000-08:00

I have wanted a garden for years now but we do not own our own home so that poses a problem. I learned about container gardening a few years back but the timing just wasn't right for me. For the last couple of years I have adhere to "clean eating" which is basically eating things from as natural a source as possible. Think, as unprocessed as possible while still being healthy. So, I find myself in the grocery store week after week buying the same things over and over; fruits, veggies, lean proteins, complex carbohydrates, healthy fats. I'm sick of buying things I could grow on my own.

On with my little story, I bought containers and my soil mixes and some seeds and went to town on my back patio.

I need to keep track of what I am doing so I will just jot down what I did here for observation purposes.

My soil consists of:
1/3 perlite
1/3 peat moss
1/3 potting soil and/or potting mix

I will be using Fish Emulsion for fertilizer bi-weekly

I planted the seeds for:
Black Seeded Simpson Lettuce (looks like leaf lettuce)
Wild Arugula
Large Leaf Italian Basil
Italian Flat Leaf Parsley
Little Gem Lettuce (Romaine Type)

I planted these today and they all say that they should start coming up in 7-10 days. I don't REALLY know what I am doing so we will see what happens. Here's to hoping!

I also purchased some seeds for tomato plants but I don't want to have to start them inside for 6-8 weeks so I may just go buy two tomato plants to put in my pots instead.

When/if the seeds sprout and come through I will take pictures and post them here. Feel free to leave me any tips/tricks in the comments. I need all the help I can get here.

Cooking!

2010-01-31T19:41:00.000-08:00

I watched Julie and Julia a couple of weeks ago and of course was inspired to cook my own way through a cookbook. I do all of my cooking out of my cookbooks anyway and I love trying new recipes (just ask my annoyed husband--we never eat the same thing twice) so it was a perfect idea...thanks Julie and Julia!

I am taking a much more casual approach to this whole thing and I probably won't blog about every thing I make but you get the idea. The cookbook that I will be using is Everyday Pasta by Giada De Laurentiis. You might know her from Food Network. I LOVE Italian food so I am pretty excited.

Today, I started out with the first recipe in the book for Baked Caprese Salad which is an appetizer and Wagon Wheels with Artichoke Pesto for the main course. Let me just say, wow! Yummy Yummy! My kid was chowing down on the pasta and secretly I knew he was eating artichokes, among other healthy items. Hubby even liked the appetizer and that is pretty big considering he is usually afraid of any "too-healthy" looking items. These are not my pics but these are what I made. Definitely give these a try!

yet another dream...

2010-01-31T10:21:00.000-08:00

Okay let me see...
Well, last night I dreamed that my step-mom was cheating on my dad and she happened to show me the incriminating evidence, kind of accidentally. My dad was really bummed and had a hunch that she had been cheating but didn't have proof so I had to make a really hard decision. I had to decide which one I was going to be loyal to. (always a really fun thing to do as a kid--I was still in high school in the dream.) So I sucked it up and went with good ole Dad. To make a long dream short I ended up telling him and showing him what I knew and let him make his own decisions about what he wanted to do. I felt really bad for my little sis in the dream though because she was not yet a teenager so I knew it would be rough for her if her parents split up. Divorce sucks. I have only begun to realize in the last few years how much that statement is true. Honestly I felt bad for all parties involved, even my step-mom. Before I woke from my dream I was just hanging back watching this small family to see what would come of it all. I remember hoping that everything would somehow be better in the end for at least my step-mom and my Dad. I wanted them both to be happy. My little sister? Well, I knew she was pretty much screwed because kids inevitably get the really shitty end of the divorce stick.

I also caught on to this key clue. My role in the dream and how I perceived myself in it was that of an uninvolved third party. I was involved but only just enough. I felt that I was an unaffected outsider for the most part. This is how I have played my roles in my real life family as well, for mandatory coping reasons I am sure. I found it interesting that I viewed it that same way in my dream because this is not how I would like to be but more of an automatic thing.

Okay, have a great day! hehe

dropping by in the middle of the night

2010-01-30T02:33:00.001-08:00

Okay so it is 5:30AM and I am still not taking my ass to bed. Don't get me started on how much I love the middle of the night. Anyway, I just stumbled onto this song and I am totally digging it. So much so that it is going on my damn blog.

Okay well I guess I am going to grab the Zune and head in to join my fam in the bed. Looks like I am going to need some music in my ear to coax me to sleep tonight. Bring on NIN, unconventional lullaby, I know. See you on the other side!

funny fish

2010-01-29T10:08:00.000-08:00

Well, another dream last night but I don't feel like rehashing it all out this morning. I will say that it was it was comical, I was rebellious and it seemed to be centered around me having zero respect for my mother.

On another note, there are three fish our tank that are in the middle of some breeding war. I watch them during the day sometimes and it is becoming quite hilarious. There are two males and one female. Both of the males have spent countless hours building these elaborate nests and trying to seduce the female to come and lay her eggs but she wants nothing to do with either of them. This morning I saw that they were stealing from each others nests! I mean that is LOW! It makes them really mad too. I imagine them running away with leaves in their mouths screaming, "Take that fucker!"

another dream...

2010-01-28T09:52:00.000-08:00

Well, I debated about whether or not I should put this here but what the hell. It was a dream and I can't control the things that go through my crazy pregnant mind in the middle of the night. So...
Last night in my dreams I had semi-sexual relations with one of my first cousins. We made it to about 2nd base before we got CAUGHT by my whole family! All I can say is that it was closer to a nightmare, for more than one reason. Well, I am off to start my day.

T-shirts and pajama pants

2010-01-28T00:47:00.000-08:00

T-shirts and pajama pants, the hum-drum of every wardrobe. Here is the major malfunction with mine.

Problem #1 My t-shirts are too old. I mean ridiculously old. I am still wearing around shirts from the '90's. Every single one of them is stained, ripped or holey. The fabric has worn so thin that I could rip them apart with my bare hands without putting in any effort whatsoever. I fear that they will fall apart in the washer, which has happened to me in the past sorry to say.

My excuse: I am a loser and never go anywhere or do anything in which I would be entitled to a new t-shirt. Or, my t-shirts are simply too sentimental to me to ever get rid of them. I mean who doesn't love to wear an old holey t-shirt to bed? I am pretty sure that I am dealing with a little of both here.

Solution: My goal is to get rid of all of my current t-shirts and start anew. If I want t-shirts then I will have to earn them by running 5K's, donating blood, volunteering, traveling, and you get the drift. Now, I am pregnant and WAY above my normal size right now s0 I am going to have to delay this journey for right now but when I achieve my normal size again I will give myself a year to see what I can come up with. I will keep you all updated with my progress here of course.

Problem #2 Comfy, cute, girly pajama pants have evaded me my entire life.

My excuse: I am too tall for all of the cutesy women's pajama pants and the men's pants have crotches that come to my knees. What does a tall girl have to do for some damn cute pajama pants!? I will tell you what...

Solution: I will make them. I know how to sew now and while I have not mastered pants yet I am pretty sure I can swing some flannel drawstring pajama pants. And the big kicker is that I can make them as LONG as I want. Once again I am huge right now so I will have to postpone this for a few months but I can't wait to begin!

If I am going to be hanging around the house playing stay-at-home-mom with a toddler and a newborn for awhile I can at least be "styling" house-style with my new t-shirts and my cute jammy pants.

What condition are your t-shirts in?

I'm a whore!

2010-01-27T12:13:00.000-08:00

So last night I worked in a whore house...in my dream. This was one of those dreams that felt like it lasted all night too so a lot happened. The greatest part about working at the whore house last night was that I didn't have to "whore" at all because I was still pregnant by hubby's baby in my dream. Don't ask me who the idiot was who hired a married pregnant woman, but I digress.
This was...the whore house of my dreams, literally. Even though I was pregnant, I was beautiful pregnant. (HA!) I felt so pretty that I totally felt confident walking around naked with the other girls in our living quarters. We had regular grooming provided for us including waxing, manis, pedis, etc. One of my friends worked there with me and the rest of the girls and guys were not only highly educated but were very friendly and provided great lengthy stimulating conversation.
We were expected to work out most days and were provided with an AMAZING gym. I was giddy at the the thought even though I was prego and couldn't do much.
Well, it is slipping away, so I will be quick here...naked group therapy was not only hilarious but very refreshing. I stealthily decided that I would work there until they deemed me able to "whore" again and then I would quit. Oops :)
After I woke I told hubby about my dream and he told me that he had dreamed that I was cheating on him right next to him in the bed. What a coincidence! I assured him all was well and that even though I WAS working in a whore house I was being as pure as fresh snow.

What did you dream about last night?

Comfortably numb...

2010-01-27T00:22:00.000-08:00

I feel sick...

2010-01-03T00:40:00.000-08:00

Wow. Just wow. I see one status message on facebook from someone in my past pertaining to a car tragedy I was involved in with three other people and my emotional juices started flowing. Hard. I can't even type fast enough to get down all that I am feeling because they are running around in there too fast. I am sure the hormonal imbalances of being pregnant don't help. I don't know if I am comforted or distressed that there are at least a small handful of people, three of us for sure, that will carry this one group of horrible memories, each through our own eyes, for the rest of our lives. I'm feeling nauseated so I will leave you with this.

Wear your goddamn seat belt and don't fuck around with automobiles. One bad decision can change your life and many others.

the perfect drug

2009-12-31T09:14:00.000-08:00

How I never became a full on drug addict I will never know. Sometimes I think that the pull will always be there for me, knowing that I could numb the pain even if only for a little while at a time.

i can't sleep again...ever...

2009-12-15T23:43:00.000-08:00

Is anything real at all? I mean our entire existence is based on our perceptions which are completely subjective and contrary to what we might believe are based on mere pieces of the puzzle.

What if you were given the option to literally "plug" into another person? To live, feel and experience as they do? Would you? Would you then allow someone to see your world?

I've been running my NIN albums in loops for that last few days so here are a couple of my favorites.

"Peeling off my white denial"

2009-09-09T08:52:00.001-07:00

I almost came to tears in class today. We watched a video on how "race" began in America and the floodgates of emotions opened up. For starters, remember when we were little and learned all about Thomas Jefferson and how great he was and yada yada yada. Well I'm sure all that stuff was true and great but I am angry that a significant piece of information was omitted. A significant piece of American history. Thomas Jefferson also wrote a book called Notes on the State of Virginia where he described, well, Virginia. It was in this book that he wrote that he thought that the blacks must be inferior in mind and body. This started a huge, ugly, ripple effect. I won't go into detail about what happened then. Also, this was the man who signed the declaration of independence stating "All men are created equal"...he did this while he owned over 200 slaves!! Hypocritical much! They all justified this however by saying that because blacks must be inferior then they didn't count as the "men" in "All men are created equal." WTF!!? I understand that this is past and nothing can be done now but I just feel that I should have been given the whole picture. I am starting to see what people mean when they say that schools teach from the dominant point of view. Well, that is just my rant on Thomas Jefferson and what is taught in schools. I won't go in to Native Americans or the Mexicans that had their land completely and outright taken away!
My problem is now, what do I teach my son? I want to give him the whole picture of American history and his history but a big part of that picture is just so awful and embarrassing. And how do I explain moving forward? I am only just beginning to see just how ingrained race really is in our society. In the words of my professor, I'm "peeling off my white denial." I'm overwhelmed, sad, embarrassed, angry, perplexed, conflicted, curious and inspired. So among my big thoughts to ponder for the day are these:
What would America have become without European colonization?
Would the same types of things happened, just by a different group of peoples?
Would "America" be here at all?
Would "race" exist?
Is another world possible?

Thoughts? Suggestions? Comments?

Want to watch the video that inspired this post? Click here to go to the website. Its a PBS 3-Part Series called Race-The Power of an Illusion. We watched Episode 2 today in class.

prejudice assignment

2009-09-01T21:17:00.001-07:00

Okay just a preface here. I am majoring in Psychology and I'm currently taking a class called Racial and Cultural Minorities. One of our assignments was to write a short little essay about what prejudices we hold and where we think they originated. I wrote a TON but since it could only be about 500 words I had to cut it down significantly. Anywho...I decided to post it here. I hope that those who read keep in mind that we all hold prejudices of some sort and I am only trying to become more aware of what mine actually are. You know what they say...the first step to change is knowing there is a problem. Enjoy! Oh ya and it looks like one big blob but it was really four different paragraphs. Blogger was giving me grief about formatting or something and I didn't feel like messing with it anymore.

This assignment has been both difficult to process and an eye-opening experience. I did not realize that I was holding prejudices toward a number of groups such as the homeless, the mentally handicapped, the elderly, the morbidly obese, men, and police officers. I will reflect in the following paragraphs on two of my strongest prejudices; the elderly and the morbidly obese.
I must first clarify that my prejudice toward the elderly only includes individuals that are no longer able to care for themselves and that are in rapidly declining health. As a child, I was taken weekly to the local nursing home to dance and sing for the tenants. What was supposed to be a positive experience for me I’m sure was in fact, a very negative experience. I was afraid of the elderly and watching them eat always nauseated me. I got into trouble with the law as a teenager and was sentenced to community service at another nursing home. I remember thinking that there was something wrong with the fact that helping out at a nursing home was considered a punishment. The experience I had there during my community service reinforced my negative feelings toward the elderly even more. I was made to clean feces off the walls and all of the half eaten food off of the dining room tables and floor after dinner. I also witnessed a number of other bodily fluid related incidents. I felt physically ill every day that I was there. I feel sick even now just writing about the things I witnessed, heard, and smelled during my time there.
I believe that my prejudice toward the morbidly obese stems from my Mother’s own body image issues. The general belief in my household growing up was that being even slightly overweight was extremely frowned upon and associated with a number of unfavorable characteristics such as lack of self-restraint, laziness, and poor hygiene. I remember being called greedy and gluttonous numerous times at the dinner table and I was thin. My thought process was that if I was these things and I was thin then what did that say about the morbidly obese? I now understand that there are mental and physical obstacles that can stand in the way of overall health and fitness. I’m sure that most people do not enjoy being morbidly obese so I ashamed that I generally prejudge them the way I do. In high school I became friends with a girl named Crystal. Crystal was morbidly obese. She turned out to be a complete opposite of everything that my well constructed stereotype said that she would be and my friendship with her was a very positive experience.
Although my friendship with Crystal broadened my perspective, it was not enough to overthrow the beliefs that I had ingrained. I also know that the elderly cannot help their conditions. However, I have become so uncomfortable with the thought of the elderly that I avoid them if I can. Finally, I understand that it is my responsibility to seek out the positive experiences needed to counteract the prejudices that I hold.

Simplicity 3796 View F

2009-08-13T23:24:00.000-07:00

Pattern Description: Misses skirt in three lengths and pants in two lengths or shorts.

Pattern Sizing: I made View F/size 10...according to the measurements I should have been a 12 but it ran big.

Did it look like the photo/drawing on the pattern envelope once you were done sewing with it?Yes

Were the instructions easy to follow?Yes

What did you particularly like or dislike about the pattern?I just didn't like how the drawstring turned out. It just doesn't seem like other drawstring bottoms I have had. It is too stiff or something. I would think this would not be a good pattern for someone with bigger hips and smaller waist because the bottoms have to be big enough to fit over your hips but then have to be cinched up at the top and it bunches a little.

Fabric Used:100% cotton lightweight denim

Pattern Alterations or any design changes you made:No changes

Would you sew it again? Would you recommend it to others?I am going to sew some of the other things on this pattern but I don't need another one of these. This skirt is cute so I would recommend it but not to someone with big hips and little waist as mentioned above.

Conclusion: Good learning experience for me. I learned how to use double folded bias tape and did my first pockets. I also got some more topstitching practice in.

Our haiku

2009-07-26T16:53:00.001-07:00

Plants in the water
Emerald ethnicity
Tranquility flows

I was reading poetry in one of my old college literature books and stumbled into the haiku section. I love haikus!! Rice and I wrote this haiku about the plant-life in our aquarium.

On the need for self-esteem...

2009-07-06T18:02:00.000-07:00

"Self-esteem is a protective shield designed to control the potential for terror that results from awareness of the horrifying possibility that we humans are merely transient animals groping to survive in a meaningless universe, designed only to die and decay. From this perspective, each individual human's name and identity, family and social identifications, goals and aspiration, occupation and title, and humanly created adornments are draped over an animal that, in the cosmic scheme of things, may be no more significant or enduring than any individual potato, pineapple, or porcupine (Pyszczynski et al., 2003)."

I agree with this but where does that leave me? Does this mean that my self-esteem is low? In this context I would say no. If I already believe that I am totally insignificant in the grand scheme of things then do I need my protective shield? I think...that I think...that I definitely do need it because my fellow social creatures(humans) are most definitely something I need to protect my emotional well-being from.

I have realized that when I compare myself to what I believe is "the rest of the world"I have a very positive self-image. It is only when I compare myself to people in my close social network that my self-esteem plummets and bursts into flames. I haven't quite figured that out yet but I am working on it.

Your thoughts??

Field (journal from 7-4-09 )

2009-07-06T17:16:00.000-07:00

I'm standing,
Looking out over an endless field
Rolling hills, sprinkled with flowers and lulling grasses, endless sunshine.
I'm standing,
Separated from the field by a white fence stretching as far as the eye can see in both directions. How to get to the other side of the fence?--how ironic.
How to get into that field?
It looks so nice I am almost drunk with the sight of it.
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I'm teetering on the edge of this abyss.
Catching flashes of a different life, where the only difference is my perception.
I can't seem to catch it in my hands.
It flirts with me--ever slipping through my fingers.
Only leaving me with slight momentary solitude.

Was listening to a little Norah Jones
Norah Jones-Come Away With Me

My blues (journal from 7-4-09)

2009-07-06T14:49:00.000-07:00

Being seduced by the voice of John Lee Hooker
Sexy, Cool, Lazy, Deep.
The blues-
dark, yearning, sexy, high heels and shadow, mystery-
reaching it's slow, spiny fingers down into the soul to tickle the hard times.
Whiskey, 5 o'clock shadows, Guitar, Understanding.
Takes me to another space.
Gives me wings,
if only for spiraling downward,
I may glide smooth and lazily in wide arcing circles,
down into the depths of my soul.
My inner yearning and pain,
the ebb and flow of my existence.

2009-07-03T12:55:00.000-07:00

and the song of the day is...

I'm working on a new skirt today among other things. LATA!!

Journal entry 5-21-09

2009-07-02T11:41:00.000-07:00

Again with the before class thing...

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I made a therapy appointment yesterday. 22 days and I will be sitting on a therapist's couch...again. How surreal. I have so many emotions coursing through me at the same time. Mostly I have been feeling grief. I have felt as though I have been mourning for over a month now. Like someone died. Maybe another piece of me died or maybe its something that is in my mind that i am not particularly aware of. I just feel like I am experiencing loss. Occasionally I feel a fighting spirit, like I'm not going to be taken down...but...what am I fighting for...or against. I'm having trouble going to school. I hate being around people. I hate how I just automatically fall into it. I can't just be myself, silent, mourning, self loathing. They don't deserve that. They didn't do anything.
--------------------
I had not been to therapy in over two years so this was a HUGE step for me. I have since had three sessions and I am so glad that I made the decision to go back.

Journal entry 5-19-09

2009-07-02T11:32:00.000-07:00

Okay got to class early again and was alone again...

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I had another emotionally charged drive this morning to school. I was...hypervigilant, as my therapist called it. I felt dangerous when I was like that. Like a bomb, waiting for the wrong thing to happen and I would kill someone, or at least fuck them up pretty bad.
There was another mangled blazer sitting there on my way off the base. I almost burst into tears right then. I hoped it helped someone, somewhere but fuck! that shit was torture. All I could envision was our mangled bodies or how we must have looked while it was going down--limp bodies being hurled through glass like rag dolls, skin and skulls splitting open, bones crunching, tires squealing. The entire prom was behind us when it happened and I would give almost anything to have seen it happen. On the way to school on the interstate I though about the all too familiar scene in my head. The one I had created and used often as some kind of way of judging my character and those around me. A high speed interstate crash, ugly, one that made the news and took a long time to clean up. I would be on the brink of death and I would have to make the choice--to fight to stay alive or to let death finally take me. This particular morning I still didn't have an answer. I sighed and felt relief rush over me as I envisioned finally letting go and dying. But I also felt the urge to fight for everyone else. Mostly for my little boy though.
Okay class started so that all for today.
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I fantasize about death often as a coping mechanism.

Journal entry 5-14-09

2009-07-02T11:11:00.000-07:00

I arrived really early for class on this day and was sitting by my lonesome in the hall and decided to dive into a journal entry. I had listened to MIA's Paper Planes on repeat for the 45 minute drive to school and was ready to shoot someone when I got out of my truck. :) Also, if my diction seems a little odd it is because I was so immersed in the world of Jane Austen that I was starting to speak like the characters. It was funny to me so I just let it flow.
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I had an enjoyable drive to school this morning. For one, I was on time. Which is more than I can say for Tuesday's class. Secondly, it was sunny. Thirdly, I had great music on LOUD! It was a bit of an emotional ride however and I dare say I felt a bit volatile.
I have been completely immersed in Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice as of late. First, I downloaded the e-book, then the movie, then I watched the movie, then started reading the e-book. I couldn't stand it due to my impatience so I started watching the movie while reading the book. I would read a scene then skip over and watch it play out on the movie. I must say that it follows the book quite well. I have found that I am completely falling in love with Mr. Darcy's character and I am quite compelled to see who the actor is that portrays him. I am none other than breathless every time I watch the scene where he professes his love for her. I ordered the complete works of Jane Austen the other day and I am ecstatic about reading and owning all of her books. I have already downloaded the movies Emma and Sense and Sensibility. The reason for throwing myself so severely into Jane Austen is to replace--displace--my obsession with the Twilight series and Edward Cullen in particular. My plan was to throw myself into some other love story and while it was hard I have succeeded in overcoming the all encompassing love I possess for Edward Cullen! :)

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I have since come into the piano sheet music for Pride and Prejudice and am learning my favorite song of the movie, Dawn. While I was able to shake Twilight for a little while I have fallen back into it and am now, shamefully, reading fan fiction to get my fix.

untitled...wait does that make it titled.

2009-07-02T11:04:00.000-07:00

I want to stay in my own space
Why does the veil have to slide slowly
Down, over me, entrapping me, enslaving me,
Protecting me...I know why.

------------------------------------------------

Yellow skin, scars run deep
My burden I carry
Conflicting emotion agitates the pools within
building pressure, I seek release...always.

...yearning for more...

2009-07-01T21:38:00.000-07:00

...ever yearning for more
Fire, I'm melting into the earth
staring to the moon.
Sparks leak, oozing from my body
my only release.
Darkness, laid out in my solitary confinement
magical, my sensations intoxicating,
Take me.

R.I.P. M.J.

2009-06-27T00:45:00.000-07:00

A couple of my favorite Micheal Jackson songs and videos. Mike will always hold a place in my little girl heart.

My feelings exactly...

2009-06-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

If I hadn't made me, I would've been made somehow
If I hadn't assembled myself, I'd have fallen apart by now
If I hadn't made me, I'd be more inclined to bow
Powers that be, would have swallowed me up
But that's more than I can allow
Bow, aww yeah
If you let them make you, they'll make you paper mache
At a distance you're strong, until the wind comes
Then you crumble and blow away
If you let them fuck you, there will be no fore-play
Rest assured, they'll screw you complete
Til your ass is blue and gray
You should make amends with you
If only for better health, better health
But if you really want to live
Why not try, and make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself
If I hadn't made me, I'd have fallen apart by now
I won't let them make me, It's more than I can allow
So when I make me, I won't be paper mache
And if I fuck me, I'll fuck me my own way
BAH, fuck me in my own way
BAH, fuck me in my own way
BAH, fuck me in my own way
Fuck me in my own way
You should make amends with you
If only for better health, better health
But if you really want to live
Why not try, and make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself

Made a new maxi dress

2009-06-06T20:04:00.001-07:00

I made my 2nd maxi dress yesterday. This one only took me one evening so I am getting faster! YAY! I used the tutorial from here (Tutorial is on the right side of her page-THANKS MIMI!) again and this time I made a halter top bodice. I love how it turned out. It had a little blousiness where the skirt portion meets the bodice. This was unintended of course lol but I love the way it looks! I think it makes my waist look smaller. Anyway here are the pics. I haven't hemmed it yet so that is why its on the floor lol.

Some new pics and stuff

2009-05-15T21:10:00.000-07:00

FINALLY got some batteries for the camera so here are a couple of pics. We took in about half of the goldfish we used for cycling our tank into the fish store today and brought three baby cory catfish home. We plan on getting about eight all together. Supposedly they will school if the group is big enough. They are so cute! I took these two pics of one of them. They are only about 1" long right now. I'm excited to finally be getting our permanent fish! The next pic is of a salad that I eat frequently. I am learning to make a few new dressings so hopefully I will find one I really like. I am kind of sick of my usual topping of cottage cheese and salsa. Next up is the long awaited pic of the latest shirt I finished. I don't really like it. While I loved the print on the fabric, I have decided that it was not the right print for this style. From far away I just look like a blob on the top half with no shape. Ehh, you live you learn right? I also included a video of Taison playing with our foster puppies outside. They loved each other. We took them back almost a week ago. It took me almost two hours to deep clean the room that we were keeping them in--and I had been mopping it every day! Needless to say we will be going back to fostering kittens instead of puppies. I do not know why it is sideways. It is not so on my computer. Sorry. Until we meet again bloggers!

yes I am still alive

2009-05-15T04:45:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to fill a void I have completely immersed myself in the works of Jane Austen. I have so much so that I feel that I am starting to speak as if I am one of the characters. I can't help but use the terms, "Indeed!" or "I dare say..." among others. lol.

Other than that, I started a class on Tues--Experimental Social Psychology. We will be conducting our own study throughout the next six weeks. I may go in to that more later. Peace!

A quick update

2009-05-08T09:32:00.001-07:00

Okay so it has been awhile...again. Here we go:

I finished that top I was working on. I took a couple pics but we, as always with a toddler in the house, have no batteries so when I get some I will put up the pic. I start school on Tuesday and I am excited and nervous. I get nervous about everything so this doesn't surprise me. I have gained 4% body fat...WHOA!!! WHAT?! I walked past a big window when I was outside the other day and I could no longer see any muscles in my arms and I thought to myself, "Houston, we have a problem." Soooooo, I already started working out again, what, like a week or two ago, but my diet was sucking. I still eat healthy but I was eating too much which equal--you guessed it--FAT GAIN. lol. So its back to lean proteins, good carbs, and healthy fats for me. I am kicking it down to 2000 calories a day and making sure I suck down 0.5-1 gallon of water a day. I am downing my second 24 oz. of the day as I type.
I just got in from a 40 minute run/walk and I had much insight about my attitude toward running and exercise in general while I was out there today. I planned on putting my feelings down here but now I don't feel like it. lol. Maybe later. Maybe never. Until next time bloggers!

pets and plants

2009-04-28T22:00:00.000-07:00

All about pets and plants today.
Rice went to get some Java Moss from Jolly's Reef Shack today. We have been waiting almost three weeks for this stuff...geesh! We looked at the bag and it looked like...well... like a big mass of moss. When we put it in the tank it looked like a giant wad of green hair. It is supposed to creep around and cover things as it grows--like a carpet of moss. So, we tied it to our driftwood and stuffed some in the sand. Hopefully it grows around our driftwood and creates a patch of carpet on one side of tank. For now, it is hideously ugly. lol. Rice also came home with another plant. He could not remember what it was called, "Silver something...", he said. So we have a mystery plant in the back corner of the tank. Supposedly it will get tall. I hope.
We got our first set of foster puppies today also. A girl and boy, France and Rome. They are six week old balls of puff. They are eating, pooping, peeing, sleeping machines. We only have them for two weeks so they won't be able to drive me to insane. They are already more well behaved than Rice's spawn of Satan chihuahua Rico. Ugh! I am yet to figure out how to position pictures in my posts the way I want them so I am just dumping them all over the post today. I"m over it! lol If anyone has any advice for me do tell. What did you do today?

I'm back I think

2009-04-27T22:36:00.000-07:00

Well I have been MIA lately...to make a long story short I got really depressed, then started reading the Twilight Series, then just took some time away to hang out and soul search and all that jazz. I took some time off of sewing but I am back in the game now and I am working on a new tank right now. It's almost done so I will be taking some pics in a day or two I'm sure. We have been working on our ever-evolving fish tank. We are almost ready to start putting our tropical-permanent fish pets in!!!! I am excited about that. I can't wait to see the babies swimming around. I think I stated in a previous post that we would be going the live plant route this time. Well we picked up our first two bunches of hygrophila the other day. They are growing but we are definitely going to have to step our lighting game up if we want them to survive. The gold fish seem happy though and they have gotten HUGE! Here is a quick pic of what a planted tank can look like and I posted a video of our little guys swimming around in our tank...it looks so barren compared to the planted tank lol. Well, we will get there. I'm sure I will post pics as the tank progresses. I have been up to a lot of little things but I don't feel like rehashing everything from the last few weeks so we will just start new from here. I will see you soon bloggers.

hope(warning:cursing)

2009-04-16T19:36:00.000-07:00

Okay cut the bullshit...I'm taking a moment to get down to what this blog is really about--my deepest darkest secrets. I need to go back to therapy ASAP. I am aimlessly wandering day to day feeling that I have no one to talk to, well, no one appropriate to talk to about my feelings. Well it is horrible timing for therapy right now so I am trying to do a couple of journal exercises out of my book THE COURAGE TO HEAL WORKBOOK. I managed to get through almost half of it when I was in therapy before and it literally almost killed me and all of my relationships.

***

When I was growing up, I hoped that...
someone would notice me...I was dying inside everyday while wearing a smile on my face.
my Mom would stop beating my brother.
Branch wouldn't actually run away and leave me all alone.
Branch or anyone would somehow appear in whatever room I was in and catch Tim in the act.
I was not crazy.
I was never born.
my Dad would not go to hell...this is what I was indirectly told.
I could just live in my room and never come out.
I could have tunnel vision when I left my room so I would not see him lurking naked behind doors around the house.
I could grow up to be a marine biologist and travel the seas alone forever.
if I did whatever I was supposed to do then my family would love me.
I was normal.
I was strong enough.
the man I dreamed about repeatedly would not actually come to my house and murder my family at night.
my brother would like me...that anyone would like me.
I had enough strength to beat my Mom up and get away if it came down to it.
my Mom would not kill herself when she would go into her "other self".
God would somehow explain to me someday why he was putting me through such torture.
I could be pretty like other people.
I could be more like the rest of my family.
I could have been born into a different family.
I could have died in the accident too.
Mom would have saved me from my situation when I told her about it instead of just having Tim and I "talk" it over. WTF!

What happened instead?
Nothing. No one knew I was feeling any of these things so nothing happened. Every day just came and went and I increasingly felt as though I was leading two separate lives; the real one I experienced inside and the one that did everything I was "supposed" to do to please everyone and gain their acceptance.

When my hopes were shattered, I...
wanted to escape...which eventually turned to suicidal thoughts. Suicide became an ultimate escape from it all and at the same time the ultimate revenge on everyone who "supposedly" loved me yet hurt me repeatedly. I also somehow learned to just zone out. I would sit in my room in the dark, lay in front of my stereo on the floor, put my speaker to my ear so I could only hear the music and I would be able to escape from my mind. I would lay there for hours most nights either crying my eyes out or almost completely lifeless...a shell. I still do not see how my mother could not have noticed this. Sometimes I wonder if she just avoided the whole situation. It's not like she was in great mental shape herself.

***

Hope...I pretty much lost hope for people growing up. I don't trust people. I talk in my sleep sometimes and one night when I was asleep my now husband said that I made this horrible face and said, "Don't trust people, they'll fuck with ya." When I woke up and he told me about this I thought...ya...that has pretty much come to be my motto in life as awful as it may sound for some people. That became my survival skill. After all, if you can't trust your parents that brought you into this world then who the hell can you trust. They are supposed to love you more than anyone else. I still have hope these days...a small shred of it...I hope that someday I can get this monkey off my back. I hope that I will reach that light at the end of the tunnel. I hope that I will not die still feeling this way. I hope that my kids never have to experience any of these things. I feel sick so I am going to stop now.

fabric and maxi dress!

2009-04-06T22:32:00.000-07:00

Well I went to Hobby Lobby the other day and got some new jersey knits.

The top fabric was for my new maxi dress, compliments of this tutorial, the second is for another top(since I only have two shirts right now lol), and the bottom is for the top that MIL ordered. Well I still have some minor details to finish up and I still have to hem it but here is the new maxi dress!

Here is a close up of the bodice:

I made a good five mistakes on this: bodice is WAY too tight and stretching the fabric under my arms (won't do negative ease next time), prints don't match at seams anywhere (wasn't really trying to but I should have lol), the print on the bodice is running one way and the skirt portion is running the opposite way(oops, realized this halfway through the dress), not really into the cut of the bodice so I am going to use one of my favorite wrap-style sports bras as a pattern next time. So, I learned a lot and I feel like I did okay for not having a pattern and this being my first one. I think I am going to do the next one in a solid color like black. I have been wanting a little jean jacket and I think that would cover up my mistakes on this perfectly lol..Anyway let me know what you think! Any suggestions?

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

2009-04-05T22:58:00.000-07:00

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know,
His house is in the village though.
He will not see me stopping here,
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer,
To stop without a farmhouse near,
Between the woods and frozen lake,
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake,
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep,
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

     -- Robert Frost

I was introduced to this poem in 8th grade English and have loved it ever since.  This is kind of how I feel about life.

foster kittens, sewing, and baby?

2009-04-01T20:33:00.000-07:00

I thought I would finally get some pics up of the three little kittens we are fostering. The first guy on the left is the little stud. He is the only boy in the group and definitely the biggest and most dominant...but he is a big softy and loves to be cradled like a baby. The kitten in the middle is the oddest marked cat I have ever seen. She was the worst off when we got them. I could feel all of her bones and she had fleas all over her. She is extremely cuddly and sweet. On the right we have the "scaredy" cat. It has taken almost all week for her to be able to come out of her hiding spots while we are in the room. Very sweet and shy.

On to sewing...I picked up this used book at my local used book store. There were so many it was hard to decide. Let me just say that I am about halfway through it and I LOVE IT!! It is full of pictures and gives easy to understand information...a great addition to my budding collection. We got paid!! So I will be going to the fabric store very soon. I have at least three projects lined up so stay tuned.

On a more personal note...Rice and I have decided to try for baby(monster) #2. Now that I am in the right frame of mind I hope it goes quickly. Think girl!
Is anyone else just feeling "blah" lately??

Mike Tyson's Punch Out!! + sewing = Rice's pillow

2009-03-26T19:55:00.000-07:00

So I am waiting to get paid again before I get any new fabric...budget, budget...so I took an unwearable t-shirt that Rice loves and made it into a pillow. He didn't want to get rid of the shirt and it was just sitting in a drawer. Well, that was driving me nuts so now he says he can put this pillow in his "man/gaming room" when we get a house. Mission accomplished and it only cost me $3. This was my first pillow and my first stab at applique...which was a bit of a disaster lol.

Inspired!

2009-03-26T12:19:00.000-07:00

I got some "mommy off time" today and I am TOTALLY inspired! First I picked up some new gladiator sandals. I love gladiator sandals and I have been itching to get some so I'm really excited about that! Then I went to Joanns to browse...alone! It was great...even though Joann's selection of fabric is terrible it gave me a chance to feel different textures and learn what different fabrics are like. I also got to look through the pattern books and price some sewing tools I have be en wanting. Well, I have some internet searching to do. I am interested in these two looks for this summer so I am going to try to find the patterns to make the stuff including the bag but minus the cowboy hat lol. I am SOOOO excited.

No motivation lately...

2009-03-24T17:50:00.001-07:00

Quickie post...I have been trying to get to a fabric store because I am dying to sew my new summer dress but I am seriously lacking the motivation to get out of the house period. All I have wanted to do the last few days is get up, stay in my pajamas, eat, and watch movies all day. I have miraculously kept up with working out somehow but the laundry is piling up and I really need to do some cleaning around here. My son has to practically drag me across the street to the playground. I think he is going nuts being cooped up inside and I feel bad for him. I did happen to check out a great tutorial on making your own maxi sundress here so I took some of my scrap jersey and gave the bodice part a whirl. It turned out great. That was my first time self drafting a pattern and it wasn't actually as hard as I thought it would be. Definitely a sewing confidence boost. Sooooo, stay tuned for my new sundress and a jersey maxi sundress. Also, we finally have some new foster kittens. I picked up the three, five week old kittens today. They are so playful and such a joy to watch. We will have them for three weeks so I will put up some pics of them soon. I have some more posts lined up...just a matter of time and motivation here. I'll catch ya later.

Sunshowers

2009-03-21T00:56:00.000-07:00

I absolutely cannot get enough of this song! I think it just may be my current favorite song. I have listened to it so many times I would feel wrong not to blog about it.

New Look 6780 patter review #2

2009-03-20T15:45:00.000-07:00

Pattern Description: easy misses knit tops-a lot of different combinations are possible here

Pattern Sizing:size A6-16...I made size 12

Did it look like the photo/drawing on the pattern envelope once you were done sewing with it? yes!

Were the instructions easy to follow?Very

What did you particularly like or dislike about the pattern?I love this pattern...no dislikes

Fabric Used:100% cotton jersey-lime green from Hobby Lobby. This fabric was extremely off grain on one end so I had to alter the cutting layout a little so that I could cut around it.

Pattern Alterations or any design changes you made:No design changes just the change in the cutting layout mentioned earlier.

Would you sew it again? Would you recommend it to others?I already sewed up View C of this pattern and my mother-in-law wants View A with the short sleeves and I want to make View A and D still so I will definitely be sewing this again. I love this pattern and absolutely recommend it.

Conclusion: Great pattern full of options for many summery tops. Get this one!

Simplicity 5151 review

2009-03-13T23:18:00.001-07:00

Pattern Description: Simple purse with bamboo handles

Did it look like the photo/drawing on the pattern envelope once you were done sewing with it?Yes

Were the instructions easy to follow?Very easy--even gave special tips to help me out.

What did you particularly like or dislike about the pattern?I loved how easy it was. I didn't like that I could not find the proper size handles and I did not like the difficulty sewing the handles in. It was easy enough, just really frustrating...if that makes sense. Oh, and I was confused as other reviewers were, about if the pattern wanted 5/8 inch SA or 1/2 inch. I just tried to follow the directions to a T and it turned out fine.

Fabric Used:I used 100% calico on the outside and 100% cotton twill for the lining to give it some more body. I am wondering if I should have just stuck with the calico for the lining as well because the thickness on the seams was hard to get under my presser foot and my feed dogs were having trouble sending it through. However if I just would have sewn in the handles by hand I could have avoided all of this. I still may rip it out and do it by hand so that it will look "correct" to me.

Pattern Alterations or any design changes you made:No design changes except that I used 6 inch bamboo handles instead of the 7 1/2 inch ones the pattern calls for.

Would you sew it again? Would you recommend it to others?I have one now so I don't see a need to make another unless someone wants one(and pays me $100 for it lol). I would recommend this pattern but I would definitely say to just save your time and hand sew the handles in.

Conclusion: I have a great new purse for spring/summer and it only took me a couple of hours.

Man pushups YEAH!!!

2009-03-12T21:18:00.000-07:00

So this is what I like to do in my spare time lol and sometimes I wonder if someone were to look in our windows would they think we were totally weird. My house is a wreck, I'm working out, my kid is doing acrobats in the recliner while watching Cars for the millionth time (we literally watch this every single day), and my husband is cheering me on as he tapes me doing pushups. Is that weird?? What is a normal night in your house like??

A compilation of things

2009-03-12T15:58:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh its nap time. I did a 50% water change in the big fish tank all by myself today for the first time. Rice and I usually do it together or he mans it alone. It took me hours! I'm glad it is done though and I am sure the fish are grateful to have some fresh water. I decided to put our big cave in for them this time. The poor fish have nowhere to hide. I noticed today that when Taison stands in front of the tank the fish all move into the back corners and scurry back and forth at the back. They are terrified of him! I can't imagine why...lol. Now that the tank is cycled we need to figure out what type of fish we want. We had big beautiful cichlids in there before but they were pretty mean and it was a little over crowded so we thought about doing a community tank this time with schooling fish. One problem...that's boring! Now that we have a Betta and these goldfish I have realized that I miss the personality that the big fish brought to the table...errrr tank. All of our big fish had names and they usually did something to make us laugh on a daily basis. So, I think that I would like to have a little of both this time around. So far these angelfish cichlids are at the top of the list. They school too which is an added bonus. We will probably end up setting up the rest of our tank around the angelfish as far as tank-mates. Money, money, money...we will have to get a little at a time. Why do our hobbies always have to be so expensive?! On the sewing front I have cut out my pattern pieces for my purse but I need some more needles for my machine so I am stalled on that until I can get to Joann's. In the mean time I may go ahead and cut out the pattern pieces for my next knit shirt (just a different view on the same pattern I just used). If I take a pic of the fabrics before I finish them I will post it. I am happy to report that I have officially gained 10 lbs. and I know that most of it has to be muscle because I am still able to wear the same size clothes. However, I am feeling a little pudgy in my bathing suit so I am going to start adding some cardio back into the weekly routine. I feel like my core is getting stronger too as I am almost able to make it through the whole ab section of the Tracy Anderson DVD I have. I will get there dammit! She is so quiet and nice yet so hard core. I cuss her out every time I do it. Well, I am off to do 30 minutes on the bike and hopefully an hour of stretching before the little man wakes up. My recovery week is almost over so I am going to have to pick out a new workout plan for the next 4 weeks. I will keep you posted. Tell me what you have been up to today...or lately! Oh YA!! I forgot to put up a pic of my new haircut and check out that sunburn!! lol.

Breakfast, ramblings, and Taison's thoughts...

2009-03-08T15:36:00.001-07:00

I woke up this morning at about 11am and made breakfast. I took a picture so I could share a pretty common breakfast of mine with you all (people ask me what I eat a lot). This breakfast includes: 4-5 egg whites, 1 whole egg, 1 whole wheat wrap, 1 oz cheddar cheese, 2 tablespoons salsa, green onion, 1/2 cup rolled oats, 1/2 cup skim milk, 1/2 cup frozen strawberries or blueberries, 1 tablespoon honey, cinnamon to taste. I am really full immediately following this but it doesn't take long before I am bursting with energy to start my day. Oh yes and I try to drink 16 oz of cold water between waking up and finishing my breakfast(this doesn't always happen lol).
On to the rest of the morning. I am loving this weather!! I got to hang out with Taison by the kitty pool again today and I have my first official sunburn of '09. Our fish tank finally finished cycling so we are ready to start building the habitat and putting our fish in. I have no idea what to do with the rest of the goldfish that are in there now though. I don't want to kill them and I don't really want them to get eaten. Maybe we can donate them back to the fish store. Rice found all the 2008 pictures that I thought he has lost. I was soooo relieved. I can't sew anything right now because I spent my play money on getting my hair cut. Once we get paid again I should be able to get some more fabric. Recession ya know?! Rice and Taison took a nap together and I did the abs portion of the Tracy Anderson Post Pregnancy Workout DVD I won from fitbottomed girls. I think it is about 30 minutes straight of abs and core work and its killer. Then I did an hour of much needed stretching with the P90x stretch. I have been bulking for a month so I am taking this week off to do cardio, tons of stretching and some core work. After my men woke up Rice went to play ball and Taison and I hit up the playground for a little while. I made homemade pizza tonight--Rice's was pepperoni and cheese and ours was ground turkey breast, onions, tomatoes, and cheese. It turned out pretty good but I am still trying to find the right crust recipe. If anyone knows a good one let me know!
Up for tonight is a little cardio, somewhere between 10 and 30 minutes. I found an old martial arts inspired cardio DVD I might check out. It looks like it will make me laugh because I am very uncoordinated and I will basically just be throwing my arms and legs around. I hope I don't hurt anyone! Other than that its just hanging out with the fam, watching the boob tube, and surfing the net until bedtime. Have a great night!! I will leave you with this...

Happy Anniversary

2009-03-06T17:36:00.000-08:00

Today is our first anniversary!! We almost forgot lol. We have been together going on six years now so its not a monumental day or anything. Then again I guess it is so...kudos us. I got my hair cut this morning which always makes me feel brand new and it was great to have the alone time. Rice and Taison went to "Grandma's" house while I was getting my hair cut so I had some extra time at the mall to do some RTW snoop shopping. Basically I pick out lots of different clothes from the new season stuff and try it on, making note of what looks good on me and what fabrics I like. I also browsed through shoes and there are SOOO many that I want for spring/summer. I just have to be patient and try to budget a couple in. After we all got home Taison and Rice took a nap and I got to do some research on some different fabrics I want for my next project and I ordered the Simplicity 2638 pattern. When Taison got up we went outside and played in the kitty pool for about an hour, came in, ate, and headed to the gym on base to shoot hoops. It was a blast and Taison loved it. We will definitely be doing this again. I love that he is getting older and we can do so much more with him. I have learned that I am SOOOOO not a baby-type person. Now we are home and hanging out. I think hubby and I are going to watch a movie together tonight after Taison goes to bed. I am looking forward to that. It was another great day.

A great day and a new book!

2009-03-05T20:35:00.000-08:00

Great day! Got up at 7am for once and got a lot of cleaning done early. Finally paid off the last of our medical bills today and got almost all of Rice's stuff paid off. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest! We are one step closer to home ownership! Exciting!! I went to one of my favorite little places today, Chamblin's Bookmine (a huge used book store), armed with my gift card and picked up this book. I was having a hard time picking fabric for my sewing projects due to my ignorance on the subject so I am excited to have this as a reference. It was beautiful today and we all played outside for about an hour before conking out for an awesome four hour nap. Got up and made turkey burgers with fettuccine alfredo and broccoli, worked out, and now I am watching Cars for the 193rd time!

It's done! New Look 6780 pattern review

2009-03-04T18:43:00.000-08:00

Pattern Description: Four basic stretch knit tops-I made View C.

Pattern Sizing:A 6-16 (I made a 12)

Did it look like the photo/drawing on the pattern envelope once you were done sewing with it?Yes!

Were the instructions easy to follow?Yes very

What did you particularly like or dislike about the pattern? I liked how easy this was to put together even for me as a beginner. A great top and a sewing confidence booster. No dislikes

Fabric Used: Cotton blend stretch knit from Joann's-60%cotton, 40% polyester

Pattern Alterations or any design changes you made:Well, I made two of these actually. The first one I lengthened 4 inches to accommodate for my height(a rookie mistake) and ended up with a great little beach cover up as it was too long. The second one I made exactly as the pattern said.

Would you sew it again? Would you recommend it to others? I will definitely be sewing the other tops on this pattern and I totally recommend this pattern!

Conclusion: Love this top and it was super easy! Get this one!!

My new top....errr dress.

2009-03-02T15:37:00.001-08:00

I wanted to make a top...

and I ended up with a dress! lol

Here's why. The pattern I used said that the standard height for my body type was between 5'5 to 5'6. Well, I am about 5'10 so I lengthened the pattern 4 inches...right? WRONG!! I still do not know why this didn't work. I must have the upper body of a 5'5/5'6 female and just have longer legs. I mean I knew I was high waisted but man! Maybe someone can enlighten me on why this didn't work. Another weird thing is that my base of neck to waist measurement is the same as someone 5'5 to 5'6...WTH? Anyway, I love this top/dress lol and everything else turned out perfectly so next time I will just make it according to the original pattern. Luckily this was my practice one so I will start on the REAL one today. I had a great experience with my first knit garment. Just for kicks here is my SUPER long top with some capris~maybe you can get the idea of what it is SUPPOSED to look like lol.

Domestic duties...

2009-02-25T07:54:00.000-08:00

I just got back from dropping my truck off at the Autoport and walking back home. I thought it was 1-1.5 miles but it turns out that its 2.5 miles! It ended up being a beautiful 45-60 min brisk walk. My ears got cold though and that dampened my spirits a bit. I think I may even walk back to pick it up in the morning. It really puts in perspective what a sedentary society we live. Even though I work out I cannot imagine living in a world where I had to walk everywhere instead of drive. Luckily I have the option!
I have domestic duties to do today--make bread, do all the laundry, clean the house, clean the fish tank, blah blah blah. I just hope my patterns come in the mail. I hope to pick out what fabric I want for them today too.
I watched Bankok Dangerous last night with Nicholas Cage and it was "eehh", not great but not bad either. I also caught up on The Biggest Loser. I love it! I can't stop wondering though how the pregnant host of the show, Allison, is not boohoo bawling at LEAST during every elimation. I mean everybody is crying and I know when I was pregnant I would cry during TV commercials! Maybe she does cry but they clean her up during takes or something. Anyone else's take on this? Okay well I'm off to start my day officially.

BOOOOOOOORing...

2009-02-24T16:14:00.000-08:00

I am so excited to report that the tank has entered its second stage of cycling. The ammonia levels were 0.0 today so that means that the new bacteria is converting the ammonia into nitrite and sure enough the nitrite levels have risen to 0.5. Wow do I ever sound like a nerd!
I'm taking my truck in to get fixed early tomorrow morning and I may walk the 1-1.5 miles back to our house. It sounds peaceful and practical, for if I do it at a brisk pace I may be able to get in about 30 minutes of cardio. I hate paying the money to get my old clunker fixed but I am going crazy just sitting in the house with my little monster so I will do what I have to do and I am thankful that we have the money to do it.
I started two photo albums last night--one for me and one for Rice--that contain pics of our lives before we met. They have spaces next to each photo to write something and I think it will be cool to look back on the stories of the pics. We also have a ton of pics of us together before we had Taison so I think I might make that into an album too. Our kid(s) can see someday that we did actually have a life before them!
Well Taison is up from his nap now so I am leaving. If I have anything else to say I will make another post tonight. BYE!!

Pattern review for New Look 6854

2009-02-22T22:20:00.000-08:00



Pattern Photo:	New Look Pattern Info
Pattern Rating:	Easy & Great for Beginners




Fabric:	Denim [See other projects in this fabric]
Pattern Description: Five different skirts. I made View D here are the back and side views Pattern Sizing:Size A 8-18 I made an 8. Did it look like the photo/drawing on the pattern envelope once you were done sewing with it?Yes Were the instructions easy to follow?Yes very What did you particularly like or dislike about the pattern?The liked that the pattern was very easy and not very many steps. Fabric Used:100% cotton denim(thicker) for the final skirt. I first made the skirt using 100% cotton plaid (thinner) to practice. Pattern Alterations or any design changes you made: I originally wanted to make View E but according to the final measurements on the back of the pattern it would have been well above my knee as I am tall so I made View D and took the hem up 5 inches instead. Also I made the hem 1/2" longer in the back than in the front so that it would appear more even. I extended the front darts down another 3 1/4" beyond what the pattern calls for because on the practice skirt I made there seemed to be too much excess fabric there for my body. This helped but it still didn't "cure" the problem. I have never tried any alterations before so these were all just trial and error for me. The lady at Joanns said to use an invisible zipper instead of the regular zipper the pattern called for so I did and I used basting glue on the zipper instead of machine basting it in and that was a lot easier for me except when I got done I realized that I had put the zipper in facing the WRONG way! Next time I will check an extra 14 times before I do anything. Would you sew it again? Would you recommend it to others?I may sew this again but I will definitely use a lighter weight, stretchier fabric. I was looking for something a little more casual so I will probably make another view from this pattern soon. I would recommend this pattern to others, just to use a lighter weight fabric than I did. Conclusion: Bottom line--basic, classic, easy, pencil skirt, great staple for any wardrobe and easy to make.

Lazy Saturday...it is Saturday right?!

2009-02-21T14:03:00.000-08:00

Well my "modified" shorts project is done. Here are the pics...
started with these...

and then BAM!! Ended with these. I still need to wash them so that the markings around the cuffs will go away. Can't wait to make some summer tanks and tops to wear with them.

Remember our foster kitten Levi? Well I am happy to report that he is finally well, thriving, and honestly is starting to be seen as another toddler running around. I hear strange noises in the night and hope that I don't wake up to find something utterly destroyed, thinks anything and everything is a toy--for him, he certainly rivals Taison in vying for my attention these days which is a little suffocating, he eats like a horse, stays up all night, and poops A LOT! We take him back to the Jacksonville Humane Society on Monday and hopefully he finds his forever home with a loving family soon.

I am yet to check the ammonia levels in the fish tank yet but we did have another floater today--RIP--so I will report on that tomorrow. As for the rest of the day, I am making bread, going to the grocery store, working out, and hanging out at home with the fam. What are you doing this weekend?!

In the works...

2009-02-20T19:43:00.000-08:00

Fish tank is in a lull. The ammonia level has been stuck at 1.00 for 3 days now and we lose an average of 3 fish a day.
I finished my denim pencil skirt last night. I will be writing a review of the pattern complete with pics here and I will post my review here as well so stay tuned for that. I am currently working on recycling some of last summers Bermuda shorts that are too big into a shorter version that fits. I am taking pics as I go so I will post more on that when I finish. I have two other pairs of Bermuda shorts that I might make into casual skirts. I ordered this pattern for the View A purse and this pattern for the View B and C shirts today. This will be my first time making a purse, tops, and working with knit fabric. Wish me luck!
Rice and I went on a lunch date today at Okinawa Japanese Grill and Sushi Bar. It was our first time eating Japanese. We sat at a group table where the chef prepared our meal in front of us and we both tried sushi for the first time. I loved it! I had a blast and it was refreshing to go out just as a couple and not as "Mommy" and "Daddy".
I received my free giveaway Tracy Anderson Post-Pregnancy Workout DVD in the mail today from my favorite blog Fit Bottomed Girls. Even though it is a post-pregnancy workout I am excited to try it out and see what it is all about. I just watched Rice do his P90X workout--I am SOOO proud of him-- and now it is my turn to workout so...catch ya lata!

Quickie Post

2009-02-18T00:23:00.000-08:00

Five more casualties in the fish tank...
Ammonia levels up to 0.50...
Still working on my skirt...
I finished the zipper tonight...
It's still not "professional" looking but I did a lot better with this one than the last one...
I am putting some weight back on thanks to my Mass XXX...
Been working out hard again and now that I am eating enough it is finally starting to show...
Here I come bikini season...
WooHoo!

Blah day...

2009-02-16T00:16:00.000-08:00

Went to Joann's today and got the stuff for my final skirt. I'm so nervous I am going to mess it up I avoided it all day.
Rice and I cooked all evening. He starts the P90X program in the morning and we had to cook up a lot of the meals he will be eating all week. I am so proud of him...mush mush. He is going to be blogging about his experience here so check it out if you are interested in getting the "Average Joe's" perspective of the program!
We have had two goldfish casualties so far. One died in the bag before we got them in the tank yesterday and today there was a freak accident involving the intake valve on the filter. The poor little guy just couldn't get away from the suction I guess. So we are down to 18 goldfish now. I tested for ammonia today and it was at .25 so it is rising. YAY! Cycling has officially begun. I will be keeping a record of this sort of thing here so I know where we are at.
It was kind of a blah day...
This is the first image that came up when I googled "blah". I think it is a pretty good representation. Good night.

Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T23:38:00.000-08:00

Got up and made a huge breakfast of banana pancakes, sausage and orange juice. Then we went out to gather all of the materials to get our 75 gallon tank set up again (we decided a couple weeks ago that this would be our gift to each other).We are using sand as our substrate this time around and it is so pretty already. I can't wait to get some new decorations. We have to cycle the tank from scratch this time so it will be about a month before we get our big fish. We put 20 goldfish in there to poop the place up so we can get the good bacteria started. I hope that none die but that is highly unlikely!

I finished my "practice" pencil skirt today. It took me FOREVER to get the right length for the hem and I had to do a slight alteration on the front darts--my first alteration ever!! It's definitely not perfect but I think it will totally be wearable. I'm going to get the denim fabric tomorrow for the "official" skirt. I will post a pic when I finish that.

After that I worked out, ate dinner, and took a bath. I am SOOOOO ready for bed! I had a great Valentine's Day. How was yours?

Written as myself

2009-02-13T10:51:00.001-08:00

It started on the way home from the humane society. I was listening to Beyonce's new CD and I came upon a song called "Hello" and it hit me within 10 seconds of the start of the song. A small ball of nerves in my stomach, growing, growing. Moving upwards into my chest. Making me feel like my body is physically hurting. My throat tightens. The song ends but I need to hear it just one more time so I play it again. I have to feel this more, longer, my realest, truest self, the most beautiful and ugliest part of me. It has been awhile. The tears start to well up in my eyes, forming heavy tears that start to fall. I start to grip the steering wheel. I feel a sense of pride, anger, rage and strength wash over my body. I have harnessed the anger I keep inside and unlocked the strength mentally and physically that I feel would enable me to kill another human being. I yearn for a release. I fantasize of violence and destruction. I want to hurt everyone that has ever hurt me. This feels so good, thrilling and at the same time terrifying and terrible. I have so much love for this person inside. No one can EVER fucking touch me again. Where would I be in life without my anger. It drives me everyday to strive, succeed and do the things that scare me. So I put the song on repeat, curl up in a ball, clinch my fists, grind my teeth, tense my whole body, scream, moan, cry and experience these feelings. I am home now and Rice and Taison are on the way home right now so I know I don't have much longer. As soon as they pull in this will leave...until I am alone again. Goodbye.

Randomness

2009-02-12T18:23:00.000-08:00

Hmmmm, I barely remember the last couple of days. I barely slept for three days in a row due to insomnia. It was terrible but I was able to take a four hour nap today and I feel better now. I hope I am able to sleep tonight.
My Mass XXX weight gainer seems to be working so far as I have been able to get in three hardcore workouts over the last three days--that I know burned a ton of calories-- and I don't seem to be losing any more weight.
I got a new pattern today for different skirts. It looks like it will be even easier than my first pattern so I am excited. I am going to be making a denim pencil skirt. I have never had a pencil skirt but have always wanted one and I have been told that every woman should have at least one soooooooo I'm going to make one! I decided to do a practice run first however on this 100% cotton plaid clearance fabric that I got for $2.00 to practice matching up prints/patterns (for future fabrics), and adjusting the fit if needed before I go drop money on the denim fabric.

I get to learn how to do darts and fusible interfacing on this pattern so I am pretty excited.
My brother Branch introduced me to a Firefox add-on called Stumble! a few weeks ago that enables you to effortlessly "stumble" around the web, landing on random pages linked to your interests. I love it!! I have seen some of the weirdest and coolest things since I became a stumbler. I stumbled onto this website almost immediately and have continued to go back since. It is a website for a band called The Cook Trio and showcases a play-list of what they call "Gypsy Jazz". I would never have guessed that I would get into this type of music but Taison and I love it and we have danced around our living room to this numerous times so far. Check it out!
Well I guess that is enough of my randomness for today. What random things have you been up to lately?

My weight gain goal continues...

2009-02-10T23:09:00.001-08:00

On another note I am super excited about my new weight gainer. I got my body fat % taken the other day through the Navy and it was 15.4%. It is in the same category as guy having between 5 and 8%. If I get below 15% I am in the risky zone where health problems can start. Bottom line is even though I have been trying for months, I am not consistently getting enough calories everyday to support working out, breastfeeding, and having a SUPER high metabolism. So I broke down and got the weight gainer to supplement my diet. All I have to do now is eat about 2000 calories a day and the weight gainer shakes will give me the extra I need to get to 3000 (which is about what I seem to need right now) without feeling like my stomach is going to blow up or feeling like I am going to hurl if I look at any more food. I was beyond getting worried about my health as I was slowly starving and I was seriously starting to get some body image issues from being so skinny. I worked out hardcore today and I will now be able to get back in the swing of things so hopefully I can put on about 10lbs by this summer. Wish me luck!

It's done! It's done!!

2009-02-10T23:07:00.000-08:00

I finally finished my dress and I actually think it might be wearable...YAY!! The only sucky thing about it is that I got a white zipper for it and it shows up REALLY bad so I might have to wear a little jacket over it if I go out and it is not the most figure flattering but it is SOOOOO comfy and the fabric is 100% cotton batiste so its going to be great for staying cool this summer. I learned so much stuff and I cannot wait to start on my next project which I think is going to either be a spring/summer top, a purse, or some lingerie. Okay now I am going to put on my lovely modeling shots. * HA! *

Had to start with the boring old full frontal lol

Somehow the fabric got stuck on my butt and it is making the zipper seem crooked but its not. It is SUPER noticeable though being WHITE. I'm such a tard.

And now I get a little saucier!! lol

Project #1 completed for $25. Stay tuned for more.

A day in the life of Aberiah

2009-02-04T19:36:00.000-08:00

We got a free sample of this cereal in the mail this morning and I gobbled it up. I was so glad it came because I was thinking I couldn't handle another consecutive day of oatmeal with blueberries! It was pretty good and the only bad thing I can say about it was that every few bites I hit something yucky. It had nuts in it so I am guessing maybe there were some rancid nuts in there. The expiration date was March '09 so I have no idea how fresh it was. Definately check it out though even if it is just for something different.

Got ready some time this morning and went to Joann's with Taison. Got the fabric and notions for my dress. There were literally only nine different colors of the fabric I wanted and they were all plain so I just had to go with it. I do like the colors I got though...hopefully they look good as a dress! When we got home Taison and I went for a walk and hit up the playground for a few minutes. It was WAY too cold though so we came back inside. While Taison was taking his nap I worked on getting my fabric ready: preshrinking, truing, ironing. Stay tuned for the next step on that.

After Taison woke up I decided to get my workout on. I chose one out of an old Oxygen magazine I had, put on a great hip-hop playlist on YouTube, and got to sweating!

Taison did it with me for a little while but got bored so I had to turn on some Barney for him while I finished dying! It was intense and was super hard for my butt muscles. They need all the work they can get so I was pretty excited about that. This is us after the workout in the kitchen making our protein shake--YUM!

Rice is home now and I am making some whole wheat bread. It has been a great day! How was your day? What is a day in your life like??

projects

2009-02-02T16:54:00.000-08:00

I finally finished one of my projects the other day. I have been working on refinishing my thrift store kitchen table find. It was my first time refinishing anything and it was A LOT of work. My $20 table became a $70 table by the time it was all over with but it was totally worth it. I had a huge sense of accomplishment when I finished it. There was a huge scratch and what seems to be some kind of acid spill in the middle that I was not able to sand out all of the way but in my biased opinion it just adds character.
Rice and I decided to start fostering animals at the Jacksonville Humane Society so we went over and signed up. I got a call a few days ago and we got our first foster. Meet Levi!
He is a 3 month old boy kitten. I have never met a cat like this before and fostering--so far--is completely different then what I had in my mind. Levi is super sweet and will start purring if you even look at him but he is absolutely terrified. He won't come out of his crate during the day except for eating and using the litter box. He never plays and I have never seen a kitten who will not play. I have to lay on the floor and pet him in the crate most of the time. He is terrified of Taison (who wouldn't be) so Taison cannot enjoy him at all. On top of that this little guy has a cold so I have to give him medication every day. It makes me sad to think of the life that this little guy may have had so far and it makes what we are doing seem all the more important. All this guy needs is a quiet home with a lot of love.

My next project is making myself a spring/summer dress! This will be my first official garment for myself and I hope hope hope it is wearable. I picked an easy pattern that may not be the most flattering but looked super simple. I think with a cropped jean jacket and some sandals it could look okay...hopefully.So stay tuned for updates. What projects are you working on?

frog pillow

2009-01-28T19:44:00.001-08:00

Okay so I am trying to teach myself how to sew. My mom sent me some of her scrap fabric and an old pattern for animal pillows. It took me ALL DAY to sew this frog but I did it and to my amazement it turned out right! I didn't have any pillow stuffing around so I just stuffed it with newspaper being that it was just a practice thing anyway. Taison loves his new frog and I feel like I am one step closer to sewing my own garments! YAY!

And this is me SOOOOOOOO happy that my frog turned out LOL

Have a great night!

A good day!

2009-01-27T17:12:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day. Woke up at 8am and went to my annual gyno appt. I love my doc and we had a great talk about breastfeeding. He said I am in perfect health and that I am O.K. to get pregnant again whenever I am ready. WOOHOO! Then came home and took a nap with my little man. We got up and I worked out to the 1st vid on Jillian Michaels 30 day shred(I almost died...it was awesome!). Then we packed up and went swimming with hubby at the HUGE indoor pool here for the 1st time. Taison loved it and threw a MAJOR tantrum when it was time to leave. Now we are home, showered, warm, and hanging out until bedtime.

Thursday, January 22, 2009 naptime experience

2009-01-22T13:46:00.001-08:00

Calm, quiet, listening to the heated air blow through the vents in the hall, sun splashed onto my walls in the wild geometric shapes of the blinds or reflections of CDs strewn about. I can see runners outside leisurely jogging down the road toward the trails, snuggled up in their PT-gear sweatsuits or decked out in expensive winter jogging attire, soaking in what is left of the afternoon sun. Kids playing across the street on the old wooden playground equipment. Swinging on swings that I know from experience creak, their mothers huddled together discussing when and where the next big sale will be. Eating homemade meatball soup that is so hot it almost burns the tongue with chunks of toasted, crusty, oatmeal bread dipped into the perimeter of my bowl that soaks up the tomato and beef broth. What seems like millions of tiny fingerprints and smudges line the lower 2/3rd's of the screen door. Autographed by a toddler. Silence except for the tap-tapping of the keys and space bar on the keyboard as Taison...is taking a nap.

From the book Mothers Need Time-outs Too

2009-01-22T06:05:00.000-08:00

What gives you goosebumps? Certain musical moments give me goosebumps e.g., songs that evoke a memory, certain voices, and certain riffs.

What could you chatter about incessantly? At the moment--Great Danes. I want one so bad!

What do you want to learn more about? Myself

What or who do you want to feel more connected to? Myself

What do you do that simply feels right? Breastfeed and co-sleep, eat right and exercise, and always try to learn something new everyday.

Guilty feelings rant(bad grammer, misspellings and all)

2009-01-21T12:53:00.000-08:00

My feelings of guilt have been growing steadily for the past few months. As Taison get older I am finding myself wanting to get out and do things more often. He is not an infant anymore and I am pretty comfortable leaving him with Daddy for a few hours. At times I feel great...inspired to go out and conquer the world lol. All I really want to do is go kayaking for the first time, go hiking, mountain bike, or buy rollerskates and skate outside. I have been on a road to self-discovery and have never felt this close to being happy but there is something that is keeping me from letting go completely. GUILT! Guilt from what I think my parents and family think about my decisions, Guilt from what I think society thinks I should be doing. Guilt from what I think my husband or his family thinks I should be doing. Guilt from me about what I have internalized about what I SHOULD be doing at this point--which is this--going back to work! Of course another income would help out but we are not hurting. It would put that dream of home ownership a lot closer at this point and I would not have to feel so guiltiy about spending money on things like my hair or makeup. But I would totally sacrifice my happiness. It is a choice between finally living the life I want, being "outdoorsy", cooking, spending time with my family, watching my son grow, being active, having plenty of time to really soak up and learn from my classes, with plenty of time for reflection and healing my broken pieces OR working a full time job and trying to fit the rest of that in there somewhere. I worked from 14-23 and never had time for a quater of that stuff. Every day was centered around what time I had to go to work and what time I got off. Then I would throw in eating, sleeping, and socializing and that was about it. I was SOOOOO depressed and seriously would sit at my desk most days trying to figure out how to escape the viscious cycle of the day to day. It was maddening! I do think that I would like to work again at some point after I finish college and can do what I would like to do--or at least be on that path--but for now I feel like this COULD be MY time. These have the potential to be some of the best years of my life I think. But what about my husband. Shouldn't he be able to do the same thing?! I'm sure he would love to galavant around doing whatever he wanted and having loads of fun and "me" time too. But by me not working the financial burden falls on him. Who is to say that I should not go to work and let him stay home? It makes me feel so guilty! Plus, these things take money;kayaking, buying roller skates, hiking gear, shoes, sportsbras, books. None of these things are necessities that apply to my "job" of raising our little guy and "keeping house". I feel so guilty even thinking of purchasing them. It feels so wasteful. On the other side, its ME. I am not a waste so why should I feel guilty about buying something that would aid in my heppiness. If I need a new sportsbra so that my boobs aren't flopping around while running then I deserve it dammit. UGH!

I know what the correct answer is in order to live MY life with no regrets. The problem is that the correct answer for me just does not seem to match society's answer. It is sad!

words of the day with random picture

2009-01-16T18:56:00.000-08:00

To sum up the day: happy, productive, accomplished.

I am so reluctant to use the word happy...Hmmm...

My Franklin Soft-Spike

2009-01-13T14:52:00.000-08:00

Around the time that I was 13 or 14 I received a very important gift. This gift would be with me for the next 12 years. I do not remember who gave me this gift but I am forever grateful. I was given a Franklin Soft Spike volleyball;neon green and pink so that it could easily be seen at dusk, Franklin Soft-Spike branded in thick black letters across the front, Made in China across the back in small print. It felt soft in my hands; some sort of synthetic durable cloth outer layer and it had more give to it then other volleyballs so it was easier on the forearms. However, this also seemed to give it less force when hit which never ceased to annoy me. I presume that because of the cloth outer layer and it's pliability it would make a sound like a dull thud when hit. The sounds of the ball making contact with anything seemed muffled.
The ball that sits in front of me now is dirty, worn, used, aged. The cloth has shifted and is no longer even close to being lined up with the air needle hole. The fabric is almost like worn suede now to the touch but is completely intact--well made. When I hold it up to my nose it smells of old clothes, not a bad smell, just an old smell. When I look at this ball I am reminded of several times in the last 12 years.
My first memory was around the age of 14 or 15. My mom had bought me a volleyball net(as I was an avid player at school) and we had set it up near the edge of our property. We lived on seven acres in the country so this was pretty far from the house. My mother and I did not get along at all and by that time in my childhood/adolescence I was already severely depressed, abusing OTC meds, contemplating suicide, cutting, binge eating and crying myself to sleep most nights. My home felt like my prison and no one knew that I was doing or feeling any of the above. Almost every weekend that I remember I would take my Franklin Soft-Spike volleyball out to that net and serve and serve and serve. I would be out there for hours--sometimes it would get dark on me. I would hit that ball as hard as I possibly could over and over and over, crying, audibly cursing my mother, my life, God, everything. I remember doing this until I got my first job at Wendy's where I had to work weekends.
My next memory comes from Terre Haute, Indiana at my Dad's house. I have a little half-sister that is eight years younger than I am and she looked up to me. She knew I played volleyball so she told me that she wanted to play too. I think that I was about 16 or 17 by this time. So every time I would drive over to visit my Dad from then on I would bring my Franklin Soft-Spike volleyball and I would work with my sister on basic skills outside;bumping, setting, rolls. Those were good memories. I don't know if I had anything to do with it but she is currently 17 and still plays volleyball for her high school and other leagues year round.
My memories with my volleyball are hit and miss after that. Every time I would move to a new place I would pack up my ball and think about how it had helped me so much in the beginning and the great times I had with my sister.
Now that I have a son my Franklin Soft-Spike volleyball resides in his toy box. He has no idea how old it is or how much it means to me. To him it is just another ball. A few weeks ago my husband, son and I were outside playing with my volleyball, laughing and having a great time. I realized just how far I have come since receiving that gift.

Today I was on a mission

2009-01-13T00:07:00.000-08:00

Today started out like any other. I made a few phone calls and ran to the store to get a few things. Little did I know that I would go on a baking rampage that would last into the night. It all started with my husband wanting english muffins, bagels and hamburger buns from the store.

#1 I am sick of perusing ingredients lists for eggs (my son is allergic), high fructose corn syrup, partially hydrogenated oils, and the rest of the 90 million ingredients I find on the bread items.

#2 I am sick of getting raped cost-wise for bread items, especially if I pay the extra to get the "healthier" kinds.

#3 I am perfectly capable of making these things myself and I had all the ingredients.

So I set out on my mission. First stop-whole wheat bagels...this was my first batch ever and they turned out pretty good.

Next stop-whole wheat hamburger buns. Again, a first for me. I accidentally made them a little small but I can fix that next time. They tasted right though. Woohoo! 2 for 2 so far!

Last stop-homemade bread. I tried a new recipe today for yogurt wheat bread and well, I think that the yogurt cooled the water down too much before the yeast hit so it didn't rise correctly. I will have to try this one again but here is my cute little 1/2 loaf lol. It is so dense inside I don't think we are going to get through it so it was my big dud for the day.

And that was my day.

2003-my 1st apartment w/ Kisha

2009-01-11T14:58:00.000-08:00

Kisha Gordon
2002-2007

In December of 2002 I packed up everything I owned and moved to Florida. I had just turned 19. In February of 2003 I got my first apartment. I lived in Lighthouse Bay Apartments on the South side of Jacksonville. Total Freedom. I was working at T-mobile, had no furniture and did not know my way around the city. I wanted a friend, someone I knew for sure that I could trust, someone that would love me unconditionally. I wanted a dog. I wanted a purebred, first a boxer, then maybe a pug but as I was still just getting on my feet I couldn't afford a purebred so I decided to adopt. I got on trusty map quest and went to nearby humane societies. I started going to the one on Beach Blvd next to Wal-mart regularly. I was hunting for purebred boxers. One day I was walking the aisles and playing/talking with the dogs on the other side of the fence when I stumbled across a little puppy named Jelly. I knew she was the one from the moment I saw her. She was a five month old American Staffordshire Terrier mix, brindle, but it was her beautiful head, eyes and expression that melted me. She seemed to like me too. It was so hard to leave her that day. I planned and thought about adopting her for the next three weeks. I was soooo nervous that someone else was going to get her. Finally, when I was ready I put a hold on her, faxed the needed documents to the shelter , arrived the next day, paid $85 dollars and she was all mine--my first dog. She rode in my lap on the way home all curled up. I named her Kisha. We were partners and we did EVERYTHING together and I took her EVERYWHERE. I won't go into detail about our remaining days together because that is another story . I loved her for always being there for me in all the ways I needed her to be. I will always love you Kisha--R.I.P.