MJ in my ear

Can we just talk about Michael Jackson right now? I mean, can I get random like that? Of course I can!

I was born here in the 80's so I kind of grew up with Michael Jackson. He was just kind of...everywhere! I like MOST of his songs (I think), he's the king of pop, and I'd even go so far as to say he played some small part of my sexual awakening as a young girl. :o He taught me about Dirty Diana and the way a woman could make him feel. That making changes starts with the Man in the Mirror. He made me feel like a badass when I listened to Bad and he taught me something about AIDS, race, sex, confidence, and we all tried to learn his cool dance moves. 

I listened to MJ on repeat today but only my two favorite songs. No, that's not right. I have three favorite MJ songs. I'll put all three here but I only killed the first two today. They fit the mood somehow. Ready? We're off!

This song comes from the middle of a movie MJ did (I think...all my MJ stuff is mixed together lol). I watched it somanytimes!!! I think it was called Moonwalk. I don't feel like looking it up right now and its not important. These creature people would probably be super creepy to me if I hadn't grown up watching them lose their minds over MJ so many times. Haha. Anyway, I skipped to the music today but another favorite of this video is the end. The dance off between MJ and his disguise was epic for me when I was a kid. I remember trying to copy everything (my brother always seemed much better at this) OR I'd sit and watch transfixed! On top of everything else is the song. Love this song so much still and its a proven fact that it will make me drive faster, run harder, and do more of the things, whatever those may be!!

How great is this next MV! Ah...the whole song/video combo just gets to me still. The lyrics in this song grew on me more and more as I got older and I had more and more people in my life who I wanted to "just leave me alone". Mike really sold it to me, too! I can still feel his hurt and frustration when he's screaming and pleading. Just gets you right there. Well done MJ, well done. :) Also of note is the terrifying mouth that I was sure would chomp him every single time and when he blew my mind at the end and I realized that HE WAS THE RIDE. Symbolism!! Again, kudos.

Last but not least is the MV that had me GLUED to the screen as a young girl; another from the movie I mentioned earlier. I had a crush on MJ back in the day. I'm pretty sure a lot of girls did. His voice was too soft in real life, he was kinda weird and kinda small but when he was doing his thing, he was doing. his. thing!! He had that confidence on stage and while dancing that drew me right in. That and all his crotch grabbing, pelvis pumping, shirt ripping, lip biting, taped fingers, hat pulled down low, leather pants, chains and zippers. I'm pretty sure those all played a part as well... LOL

This is a cover for a Beatles song but I always like this version better...obviously. ;)

Mike got even weirder later, bad things came out, and now he's dead but this Mike from my childhood...he's still pretty great. :) Thanks MJ.

Some things

Helloooooo out there!!!!...out there...there...the.... That was an echo. Did you get it?! Lol Jokes...smh. Moving on!

My boss and I had a short, impromptu chat the other day about work, husbands, kids, stress, and womanhood. Incidentally, now close to retirement and single, she's getting rid of old tableware and a discussion began about how cathartic it would be to break all those plates and things instead (e.g. throw them, smash them, use them to shoot skeet). You get the picture and ahhhhhh, it was sweet. The next day when I arrived to work  I found this plate with my name on it; slightly cracked, hand-painted, and adorned with a sticker. I'm going to break this innocent plate and it's going to feel good...stay tuned. Lol (Note to self: become this kind of boss one day.)

Ukrainian Folk Tales has wrapped and now resides on my annual, digital bookshelf within Goodreads. Do you think that stopped me from delving into another book even though I'm still in the middle of two others? No, it did not! Amy Poehler's, Yes Please, has been making me salivate for months.

I caught it available as an e-audiobook the other day, jumped all over it, and have been chuckling during commutes ever since! Yes, please!!

Opportunity has fallen into my lap once again at work so I'll be using this coming week to work extra from home to complete an extra project or two, take advantage of those opportunities, relax, recharge, and have a little fun dammit! Summer's almost over!!

I'll leave you with a painting; Hieronymus Bosch's painting Garden of Earthly Delights. I ran into this section of the painting in a book at work this week. You'll have to enlarge the image to see but there's a lot of weirdness going on in this painting and I'm a true sucker for hidden weirdness in paintings! It begged me to look it up so I did.

I found the rest of it (below) and spent quite a bit of time studying each section. The guy/girl who's bent over with flowers sticking out of his/her butt is a fave. Find that one. ;)

Headed to the land of napping for a bit. Byeeeee!

On trust...

Doing a little trust work today so I'll leave one of the exercises here.

According to the book I'm in, which I'll put below, there are four ways people generally react and protect themselves when faced with emotional pain and of course we supposedly all picked these things up for the most part during childhood.
There's fight, flight, freeze, and faint. They give a couple examples like "if you were beaten or molested, you may leave your body under stress, going into a kind of trance" or "if you identified with a parent who raged, you may be hot tempered and often scare others with your anger".
Personally, I do all four types and it just depends on the situation. The book says that's normal but we all have one that's usually more dominant than the others; our go-to protection strategy, if you will. There's a little quiz of course. I think I know exactly where I'll be more dominant lol but I'll put my responses here.

Directions go something like this. Think about a recent situation where you felt like someone was angry at you or rejecting you. Examples: when you felt blamed unfairly, when you felt disrespected, when you felt like you'd been betrayed. Using a scale of 0 (Not me!) to 5 (Are you reading my journal?), how well do the following responses describe your reaction to the situation.

Here we go!

• Fight
• I get angry so fast, I can't control it.  I might break something or hit someone.(5)
• My heart instantly hardens. I feel cold, unloving.(5)
• My whole body gets hot. I want to jump up and scream. (5)
• Flight
• I'm out of here! I might even leap from a moving car if it's bad enough.(1)
• I want to just walk away. I think I never want to see the other person again.(5)
• I cant stop talking. My mind is going a million miles an hour.(0)
• Freeze
• My mind is a blank. I can't think of a thing to say.(4)
• I feel punched in the stomach, unable to move or talk.(5)
• My heart is beating so fast. My mouth is dry. I feel like a robot.(4)
• Faint
• I can]t remember what the other person said.(1)
• My body feels like Jell-O. My knees buckle and I can't stand up.(0)
• I just wait until the bad part stops, then act like nothing has happened.(1)

From most-likely reactions to least my scores go like this:

Fight=15

Freeze=13

Flight=6

Faint=2

Basically, my scores say that when I get hurt emotionally, I get angry to protect myself. This doesn't surprise me. Anger's protected me many times. Anger enabled me to protect myself physically when I needed to. Anger protected me so I was able to do things that I could never or should never have done. Anger protected me until I could get to safer places. Anger protected me when I needed to leave bad people and toxic relationships behind. Anger protected my mind from feeling what it should have been feeling but maybe would have been too much.

However, not counting my mom, I could probably count on two hands the amount of times in my life that my anger has actually boiled over into violent action. There must have been some lessons I was taught along the way as a kid about not losing control or my grip on reality and consequenses. Maybe it was seeing my mom lose control and my desire to never be like her or do that. Maybe it was because seeing what my anger did or caused when it came out never felt good later. Maybe it was because my anger scared me when I thought of what I knew I had inside of me and what I was capable of if I lost that control. I would guess that's why freezing up is a close second for dealing with bad stuff. In my mind, freezing up is like shutting down completely and that goes hand in hand with anger.

I would say the degree to which this type of reaction happens is directly based on how vested I am in whatever is causing the pain. I'm not going to get overly riled up if I don't give a shit about you and if I do care, then it will be swift, automatic, and with an intensity level of Insane. Aside from my mom, its only happened with people (or animals) who have been kind of important at one point or another.  I've only lost it (my control) on my brother when we were kids, an old boyfriend, my previous dog who thankfully always knew exactly when to exit stage left, my husband once a long time ago, and one of my kids who I never hurt but did end up scaring which made me feel like the biggest loser in the world afterward. That happened a couple times. I'm not proud of all those times or the things I did but I do think I'm doing pretty well considering the amount of rage I've had floating around inside me. I've learned to use my anger in positive ways like in the gym or if I have to do scary things like make a speech. It can get me through almost anything! Additionally, when things are going in a bad direction sometimes its good to be quiet, listen, observe, and not lash out right away. So me completely shutting down and not being able to express anything, including the craziness that might be happening inside, has turned out to be a helpful thing in a lot of situations.

Something that's not helpful and is getting in my way though is when these types of reactions are automatic but not necessarily warranted anymore. I'm human so I'm going to experience emotional pain from time to time at the hands of someone else. That doesn't make them the "bad ones" from my younger days who genuinely seemed out to get me. It doesn't mean they deserve to be cut from my life for minor infractions and it doesn't mean I need to lose good people that potentially, actually love me in the right ways because I don't have a handle on myself. I need to be able to turn it on and off. What I'm trying to say is that now, when it comes to emotional pain caused by others, I want to learn how to act instead of just reacting. 

And that, folks, will be the meat and potatoes of a future exercise on trust. 😉

Goodnight everyone and no one. 

Wall, C. L. (2005). The courage to trust: A guide to building deep and lasting relationships. Oakland, Calif: New Harbinger.

"On you will go..."

I'm tired fam...life tired.

On a completely different subject. I listened to this quick, hour-long audiobook while at the gym last night.

It seemed relevant at the time and I couldn't handle music. I seem to like a decent amount of what Adichie says in general (not just in this book) as she's in the "equal opportunities camp" instead of the "women are superior or men don't have any problems camp". Women aren't in the superior or inferior box across the board and men deal with sexist stuff as well. I agreed with some of what she said and other parts seemed less rooted in the reality we currently live in. She does give a disclaimer in the beginning that she wrote this before becoming a parent of her own daughter and that changed her thoughts a little. Anyway, it was food for thought which was exactly what I was looking for. Prior to that, I tried two other audiobooks on the subject of self-esteem or self-confidence but they were so unbelievably corny and full of psycho babble that I couldn't hang. Don't give me rainbows and unicorns, give me something concrete, something real.

Want to hear something random and completely useless? I'll tell you. You know these whiteout things?

Yes? Okay. Great little tools. This particular one malfunctioned on me (apparently a common thing. I wouldn't know). I watched a quick tutorial on YouTube and went to war with it. Little did I know this would take me to my limits of patience and occupy 45 straight minutes of my time. I had a coworker tell me it was simply defective and he'd just get me a new one. I knew it wasn't defective though! I knew it was me, so I thanked him and kept on. After several more YouTube videos, it was fixed and working properly. That right there put me on a high that lasted for hours that day. 

See? Useless babbling.

I'll leave you with a new Burna. Its...alright. But its mellow and that's what I need right now.

Let's work to keep our heads up. Hmm? Alright? Alright then!

Sleepy post

Greetings! I'm working today and have run into some fascinating photography books! Yes, I'll be bringing them home for further perusal just as soon as I find some more room in my purse...and of course I will share them here when I do.

I wore red lipstick all day the other day so another bucket list item bites the dust. Honestly, half way through I realized this shouldn't really be on the list because it's not that scary anymore.

Hmm, what else...

• I painted the dining room the other day. Debating on doing part of the living room this weekend or not. 
• I've been to Lowe's twice now looking for mailbox posts with no luck and will try a new store next week.
• The last student loan of my Bachelor's degree got paid off today; one of the 2018 goals I set and can now mark off. Feels good!
• I can now do two pullups at a time...sometimes. This was also a goal for 2018 but I'm not ready to mark it off just yet. Maybe when I can do more in a row.

I think that's all for now. I feel so sleepy all the time and at the same time I'm getting more and more restless. I'd like to disappear and do something fun and spontaneous. I've been looking for opportunities but if I can't find one, I'll be making one!

Gonna read a take a cat nap. I'm out!

On self-esteem

Yesterday I...

• felt the sun warming the side of my face while I was driving and it made me smile. I was grateful.
• clipped the fingernails of a man I barely know at work. I was kinda grossed out but as a human being he needed help and asked me for it so I did it. It was a little surreal lol
• made a new grilled cheese but not really. In reality I made a duplicate by accident. Ugh! Lol
• was told by one of my children that he doesn't think his brown skin looks as good on him as a lighter skin would. He'd rather have skin like the people he's playing in his games. (White) Sigh. 😔😔

OK! Topic change!

I've had a backslide on self-esteem issues. I had to basically start from scratch in my early 20's and have worked really freaking hard to get where I am today with my little baby self-esteem so I'm not going to let this get any more out of hand. I busted out my book last night (because books are what I do baby!) to do an exercise which I'll put some of here. Watch me work!! 😊

So it goes like this. There are some words listed and I'm to check the ones that apply to me. Some were easy. I'll put those in green. Some made me hesitate and I felt slightly dishonest but directions specifically say "if you sometimes are, or have been, reasonably..." so those will be in yellow. Some were even harder and caused some mental battling as in, technically, yes...maybe, sometimes, but I'm fighting it. lol I'll put those in orange. The rest in red are either I have never felt they apply to me, no longer apply, don't feel they apply yet, and would feel like a liar to say that they do. 

Here we go!

Humorous, mirthful, or amusing

Loyal, committed

Literate

Strong, powerful, forceful

Determined, resolute, firm

Patient

Rational, reasonable, logical

Sensitive, or considerate

Appreciative

Industrious

Successful

Open-minded

Spontaneous

Flexible or adaptable

Affectionate

Adventurous

Handy

Punctual

Gentle

Trustworthy

Loving

Creative or Imaginative

Clean

Friendly

Compassionate, kind, or caring

Disciplined

Generous
Conciliatory 

Respectful, or polite

Principled, ethical

Responsible, reliable

Encouraging, complimentary

Intelligent, perceptive

Cooperative

Forgiving, or able to look beyond mistakes or shortcomings

Tranquil or serene

Energetic

Expressive

Assured or self-confident

Enthusiatic, spirited

Optimistic

Trusting, seeing the best in others

Inutuitive or trusting of own instincts

Persuasive

Talented

Cheerful

Organized, orderly, or neat

Sharing

Attractive

Well-groomed

Physically fit

Tactful

Graceful, dignified

Looking at this list like this, a couple things immediately pop out for me.

1. Some things that are in yellow or orange and even a couple in red were at one point in green. Backsliding indeed!! For example, I mean, come on Aberiah. You're intelligent...SMH. But if I'm being deep down honest right in these last few...however long, I don't feel intelligent nor have I been telling myself I am. I often feel stupid and have been telling myself the same for lacking common sense or not being able to do math in my head or making little mistakes or comparing myself to others. That's a no-no and needs to stop.
2. Almost all the things in red make some significant, somewhat hurtful memory or memories pop up in my mind that is related to it. For example, trusting (parents), talented (mom), sharing (mom), attractive (parents). Some I don't know how to fix but I think I'll write at least some of those out. However, that's not for this blog. Need to try to get those things out and hopefully let them go. Just because I was told I was or was not something before doesn't mean that has to be my truth about myself today. Some things for me to think about there.
3. Look at those greens up there. Awwwwww. I'm proud of my greens! 😊

Part two!! I'm to come up with 15 nice statements about myself but the catch is they have to be totally believable for me. I've played this game before. It's not easy but the trick is to get crafty with the wording. 😉 I can use some of the words up top.

1. I have a strong and determined mind and my focus is killer!! 💪I'm tough!
2. I'm sensitive, empathetic, and very affectionate. 🤗
3. I'm open-minded, love learning new things,  and thrive on spontaneity.
4. I'm highly adaptable.
5. I'm adventurous, playful, and love to laugh.
6. I work hard to get what I want and where I want to be.
7. I'm appreciative and grateful.
8. I'm patient, loyal, and understanding. 
9. I'm thoughtful and a good listener.
10. I'm ambitious and independent.
11. I see the beauty in the little things.
12. I'm dependable and brave.
13. I'm perceptive, insightful, and fair.
14. I'm passionate about the things I do!!!❤
15. I'm a go-getter and generally achieve the goals I set for myself.💪

There. Look at that. I'm alright after all! 😉

Gonna look at these every day for awhile, until they soak in like they should.

I'll leave you with a couple songs. These have been on repeat for the last two days and seem to be covering all the emotions I need from music at the moment. I killed these on the way home from work today!! LOL I mean, who "car concerts" like I do?!

And here's something that made me laugh. Does everyone remember Prodigy's Firestarter. Great song! No? Here's a refresher...


What made me laugh was this video I ran into again...


That's pretty much me as a mom. lol. I remember rocking my baby the first few times and realizing I didn't know any of those songs. You know, the ones that mothers are supposed to know and sing to babies?! Ummmm. What did I do? I improvised! Shout out to all the moms out there who are winging it every single day!

Laters!!!

Things that help.

I'm not in the mood to dwaddle so I'll start with some bucket list stuff.

1. I got my eyebrows threaded for the first time ever yesterday so I can mark that off the list. 👀 Cost me ten dollars, I was in and out in about 10 minutes, didn't hurt as bad as I thought it might, and I've never had so many hairs in my eyes in my life!
2. I've ordered a copy of my birth certificate so I can get my first passport. Playing the waiting game there.
3. I want to send a care package to a random soldier. I found all the steps to do that yesterday and will be contacting the USO next week for the rest of the info.
4. I have procured a bottle, a cork, and instructions for how to send a message in a bottle these days. Lol I need my bottle to go FAR! What on earth should I write??

That's all for that, for now. Let's talk about work!
I LOVE my job and feel fortunate to have found what I was passionate about and turn it into a career. Each workday I gain perspective from something and I learn new things everyday; sometimes small, sometimes big, sometimes re-learning things I've forgotten.

Hmmm, without telling you what I do for a living...we'll say that when I'm at work, I'm surrounded by stories. Stories of all kinds and some of the most impactful on any given day come from the people that come up to me and tell me theirs. Here are a couple of recent ones that had my gears turning long after...

• A woman came to me in distress, said she was a published author and no longer able to locate her website. After giving her the contact information for the company who ran her site she told me her story and was sad that her book hadn't sold any copies in two years. I told her maybe it was time to write another one! After she left, I sat and thought about her for awhile, then looked up the book. There was only the one, self-published two years ago, sold on Amazon and Barnes & Noble, no reviews, and only nine pages.... Things aren't always as they seem at first. lol 
• I work with two guys who gave me their life stories. One is a disabled vet who was the unlucky guy to get into some nerve gas on a deployment, just taking a piss one day and unknowingly breathed it in. Never even had a clue. Now, he has uncontrollable tremors, lesions all over his body, walks with a cane on the good days, and spends a lot of time sick or in the hospital getting tests. How's that for life throwing you a crappy curve ball. He tells me that even now  he misses the action. He'll never be able to feel that adrenaline rush in the same way. 
• The other guy has Absence Seizures which cause lapses in awareness. On the outside he'll just look blank like someone in a daydream but inside he's seizing. He's had it since he was ten, was never able to have a driver's license, and loses whole chunks of time when he's blacking out. He told me a recent story of ordering a sandwich, walking a few blocks and back to his third floor desk at work before "waking up". He had to leave work and retrace his steps to his last memory to ask people what had happened. He crossed multiple streets while blank!! I imagined for awhile what a life like that would be like.
• I sat and secretly watched a homeless man (who seemed very happy!) pull out, carefully examine, categorize and repack several food items back into his bag. This was all done with intense focus and took quite a bit of time. I picked up from his comments to others that he had located a bag of goodies just outside in the back of a parking lot. I saw some yogurt, ramen noodles, snack packs, etc.. His day was made and he was so happy that the people around him started smiling as well. The thing that really threw me as I was secretly watching was that he gave some to another guy. Even with so little, he gave of what he had. That right there inspired me. It not only inspired me but it reminded me that you never know who's watching you or how you might be helping someone without ever knowing it. Also, anybody can help anybody. Period. It doesn't matter where you are in life or what you have or don't have. It just has to be the right time and the right place.
• There is a guy who rides around in a motorized wheel chair who always greets me in some way no matter how many times he's seen me that day. A couple days ago he stopped at my desk, we started talking, and he gave me his story. He used to own a landscaping company, also built things in his spare time, worked on cars a lot, etc.. A guy who liked to use his hands, lots of manual labor stuff. Then he had a stroke that changed his entire life immediately. He recovered somewhat only to fall while getting on a bus one day, completely shattering his hip which put him in a wheel chair. He ended up have two more strokes that left his entire left side paralyzed. Now he rides around in his motorized wheelchair and is getting a business degree. We agreed that in life, no one ever knows what's around the bend.

Anyway, like I said, I get stories like these almost every day. Its a beautiful thing. Moving on!

I ran into a book full of Xhosa Proverbs (Thanks to Trevor Noah's Born a Crime for teaching me what Xhosa is!) a few weeks ago that sucked me in and had me thinking. It stayed in my mind so I found it again to jot down a few that I liked and want to come back to from time to time. I'll leave you with those.

Dawn does not come twice to awaken anyone
Make sure you take those opportunities when they appear.

No elephant is overburdened by its own trunk
Anyone should be capable of handling their own responsibilities in life.

No partridge scratches the ground in search of food for another
Don't expect others do to for you what you should do for yourself.

An infant that does not cry out, dies on its mother's back, or is dead on delivery (stillborn)
Make your needs known and ask for help when you need it.

A bird builds with other birds' feathers
Equivalent to "No man is an island"

Headed out to try to have a some kind of a Sunday! Byeee!

Let's talk wine

Sit down and I'll tell you a tale of the time I took myself on a months-long wine tasting adventure to prove someone wrong. Ok, not really telling a tale. Just sit down and I'll tell you about some wines I tasted recently. Sit down!!

I never liked wine. Yes, I had limited experience with the stuff but the point is that I had written it off in my mind as something everyone else seemed to love that I thought was gross.

Now, I'm at work one day and was talking to a wine salesman that frequents my place of employment and often stops to chat. This guy talked about wines every single time I saw him and I always "Hmm'd", smiled, and nodded along but for some reason I decided that day to drop a bomb on the conversation and I disclosed my dirty little wine secret; that I hated it! He was flabbergasted and the challenge was on. He told me its not possible, that I just hadn't found the right wine for me yet. He asked me a series of questions about my taste preferences and I told him to write down three wines that even a person who hates wine would like. So it started with these...

Stella Rosa Black-I hated to hand it to the guy but this was the very first one I tasted from his list of three and it blew me out of the water. I buzzed only slightly which was a nice feeling. Very yummy and ended up being my favorite red wine. Apparently, I'm a sweet wine girl. Who knew?! :)

Costa Rosa Sangue Di Giuda Dell'Otrepo Pavese-Next up was this tongue twister and another red wine. This one was not on wine saleman's list. However, almost every time I went to the liquor store they were out of the one I was looking for next, whatever that may be. Never fear though! According to the wine guy at the liquor store who became my guiding star of wine shopping, this wine was one I would definitely like if I liked Stella. Per wine guy, there are two versions of this. The one in the regular bottle is, well, regular but the one in this bottle shown above (no, that's not me folks) is like a slightly carbonated version of the same exact wine. I got carbonated and ran! This one was good! Didn't buzz at all but it tasted second best to Stella. Wine guy and wine salesman started out with good grades in my book.

San Sebastian Vintners Red-Then I hit a dud with this nastiness. A failing grade from wine salesman's list. Ugh, just gross but I buzzed. I had to chug it because I couldn't handle the taste. Ewww, moving on.

7 Moon Red Blend-It took me weeks to get ahold of this one and it turned out to put even San Sebastian to shame. The nastiness knew no bounds. Wasn't sure I could or even wanted to finish my glass. I did though, chugged again, and buzzed so hard!!! That was fun and all lol but still nasty...

There was another one or two red wines in there that wine guy was selling me as I was waiting for the ones of my list to become available. If I remember their names I'll update this post later. Moving on to the whites!!

I ran into wine salesman again at work and reported my findings. Congratulations were offered for finally finding a red wine I liked but we weren't done yet! What if I need a white wine?! I was given orders to try Stella Rosa Moscato D'Asti since I liked Stella Rosa Black so much. Of course they didn't have it in stock when I went so wine guy sent me on my way with two others...

Costa Rosa Bianco Provincia Di Pavia-Yummy enough stuff and I figured out the trend. If you like the red or white version of one, you will probably like the sister-wife version. ;) I buzzed a little. Thumbs up.

Plumeria Moscato D'Asti-More yummy-ness and I buzzed some more. Hooray for the buzz! I feel like I tried the sister-wife version of this one but can't remember for sure. Is there such a thing?? Anyway, I'd drink this again. Wine guy was killing it by this point. I felt like he'd figured me out for good.

Stella Rosa Moscato D'Asti-Last but not least we had the one wine salesman recommended. I tried this one tonight and it was grand. Kinda bubbly, not nasty, win win!

So that's a wrap for my little wine tasting challenge. Wine salesman gets a B- or C+, wine guy is the top student in the class, and I found some wines I liked! In the end though I noticed that the ones I liked the most had the lowest alcohol content. Does that mean I still don't like wine because I like whatever is closest to grape juice?

Wanna buy me some wine? Something sweet, fruity, and with the lowest alcohol content available is sure to win me over.

What kind of wine do you dig?

Checking in...

Look at those beautiful beds there! Few more weeks to go before they get loaded up!!

Nothing much to say here today. I'm tired but content, at work, and simply want to put in a good, solid day before I sleep tonight.

There's about four weeks left before the kids go back to school and it's now crunch time. Supplies from supply lists must be bought and gathered, fresh haircuts must be acquired, two practically complete new wardrobes must be purchased because the current have either been outgrown or worn out from summer fun, and this year presents new quirks. I have one going into middle school...dun, dun, DUHHHHH...lol

...which has an entirely different arrival and departure time from the younger child. Do I have to register him for this new school? Does he need shots? A physical? How does he sign up for extracurricular activities? Does he want to? What's available? Should I push for that? Is this a free lunch school as well or do I need to add money somewhere? Where and how? Won't he need a PE uniform? Where's that info? Do I need to talk with him about public showers? As in, "Boy, wash the sweat off your ass!!!" How is he getting to school/getting home? Can he ride a bike? Too far? Is it safe in traffic? What if its lightning after school? What about the bus? Do I have to register him for that? What's the bus schedule? Is he mature enough now to be home alone after school? Definitely need to sit down and have that talk with him. We don't have a landline anymore so do I let him keep his cell service since that will be the only way to call in an emergency?

Basically, I'm doing a lot of answer-hunting and money-hoarding for the upcoming end of summer.

I'm out! :)

Slow progress is still progress!

I'm back with a grilled cheese success. Finally! I made Pizza Grilled Cheeses yesterday and they were pretty well received. By popular demand, I skipped the mushrooms, black olives, and pepperoni that the recipe called for to be inside the sandwich. What was left in the end was a pizza-flavored, melted mozzarella sandwich that we dipped in marinara sauce and after all that, my littlest wouldn't eat it. Sigh. Kids, gotta love 'em.The picture below is not mine but will give an idea. Ours had pizza sauce, fresh mozzarella, sliced tomatoes, and herbs all piled onto ciabatta buns.

Things are moving along SLOOOOOOWLY in the garden department but still, slow progress is better than no progress. Four cubic yards of soil mix will be delivered tomorrow afternoon to the front yard which will need to be carted load by load to the beds in the backyard (fun times ahead haha) and I'm still scrambling to find boxes to line the bottom of the beds. August will be planting time and I'll leave a list here of what can be planted, companion plants that will go with them, as well as what has gone well or not in my yard so far. Let's go!

• Beets-Grew these once and ate the greens, they did pretty well. Now that I know about and can make borscht, these might come more in handy!
• Broccoli-These do well but take up a lot of space for not as much return. I'm on the fence.
• Brussel Sprouts-Really want to eat these but I think they are space hogs. We'll see.
• Cabbage-These didn't do as well. Had some pest problems and the heads were smaller.
• Carrots-Carrots went crazy and I had so many! I don't eat raw carrots though so they only get cut and put in the freezer for soups. Still had too many though so if I grow these, I'll plant less.
• Cauliflower
• Celery
• Collards-My yard loves growing collards. They go nuts and I can count on eating tons of these dark leafy greens every time I plant them. These are a definite yes!
• Green Onions-These do pretty well if my memory serves me. I remember going out in the mornings to get them and add them to my scrambled eggs.
• Turnips
• Chinese Cabbage
• Kale
• Mustard
• Strawberries-These did pretty well if I remember but I didn't have enough of them.(can be planted Sept.15-Oct. 15)

I'd like to make homemade kimchi again this year so I may try Chinese Cabbage this time instead. Also, I love strawberries so I'm saving an entire bed for strawberries which will be planted in September. They do well with green onions so they'll be there as well and this time they'll be sitting on a blanket of straw so no strawberries will find themselves rotting in the dirt. No strawberry left behind!!

Companion plants for everything include:

• Garlic
• Chives
• Chamomile (If I plant this, I'll look into using some to make myself some tea :))
• Summer Savory
• Pigweed (What is this?)
• Thistle
• Catnip 
• Hyssop
• Dill (?)
• Mint (More tea!)
• Nasturtium
• Southernwood
• Tansy
• Thyme

Other than that, lots and lots of marigolds! This time around I'm going bigger on flowers. They help a lot with pests and I sometimes skimp a little because I don't want to spend the money so I'll be trying to pack things in a bit more this time around to see how that works. I want full and bushy beds like this!!

Seed order will be made soon as well as the list of what will need to be picked up from the plant nursery. At some point I will also need to figure out how I want to work resting the beds. Growing seasons are year round here but I can't keep hammering out plants season after season in every bed. I can either...

1. Pick one main season to grow things each year in all the beds and use the other season to grow a cover crop, something like what is done up north.
2. Use half the beds to grow one season and half the beds to grow the other season, with cover crops being grown in between.
3. Use three beds at all times but rotate each season so that the fourth bed will always have a crop each season.

With so little space already I hate taking anything out of commission but its got to be done I guess. Anyway, I'm thinking on that.

Off to start my day!

Oh music, how I've missed thee

The worst headache of my life so far has kept me from listening to music for a couple days. Today was my first day back with it and I had such a huge surge of emotions that I had goosebumps upon goosebumps upon goosebumps for an entire 30-40 minute commute. I didn't even know such a thing was possible.

Today's car concert included these favorites and more:


I mean...how can I not get excited here. I sang this at the top of my lungs and felt like I was able to let go of something I've been holding on to for awhile which was liberating. That being...I'm never going to be "the nice girl" inside. Maybe I would have been but those weren't the cards I was dealt and I became something else entirely which in the end I think is ok too. I have some strengths I'm pretty proud of! But, as with anyone, I won't be for everyone and not what everyone would choose. Oh well!



This is a pretty stupid song, I admit, but I sang the hell out of it today and always eventually come back for more. His verse sucks and I'm pretty sure that's the only verse. LOL



Aaaaaaah...yes. Excited? I am! This one has gotten me through many special sessions at the gym and can almost always take me to another place.


Brought me to tears within the first 30 seconds as usual. Had to turn this one off so I wouldn't look like a complete freak when I reached my destination. ;)


First three minutes of this are some of my favorite to sing along to but have to be in a special mood for the rest. Wasn't today but you can bet I was killing that first part in my car! LOL

Thank you music! You're the best!!

What are you listening to today?

Not much to say here but checking in...

I have a serious problem with checking out too many books from the library at once. Some people shop, I check out books. I'll never be able to read them all and its ridiculous. Let me give you a glimpse of the madness.

I'm cooking from this cookbook, Mamushka: Recipes from Ukraine and Eastern Europe by Olia Hercules. Well, I have...a little. I do a lot of looking! I'm squeezing one more recipe out of this baby before she goes back! It's served me well so far though. Might come home with me again at some point.

I'm over halfway through Ukrainian Folk-tales by Christina Oparenko and they are fabulous! All have been different from the kind of tales I grew up with via Aesop and Disney. Two thumbs up!

Unexpectedly, I'm halfway through the boob book now. I was expecting to skip around but each chapter's as fascinating as the last and I might end up going cover to cover with this one. I finished a chapter today on the (apparently very sketchy) history of breast implants. Some of this stuff reads like a horror film!! Yet, we continue to do it all in the name of "beauty". I'll save my views on this matter for another time.

I've dug into The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri which was a NEA Big Read in my city while I was in school so I missed out and am just now getting to it. I had to listen to everyone rave about it at the time and the author even came to my library. THAT'S OKAY GUYS!! READING IT NOW, THANKS! ;)

What is a NEA Big Read? So glad you asked!
There's more to it but it goes something like this. The National Endowment for the Arts chooses a specific book, everybody reads it at the same time (like an entire city for example, or state maybe, or nationally, not sure), then there are a massive amount of programs related to the book (e.g., book discussions, author talks, all kinds of stuff where people can get together and do things related to the book).

Want to know more? Want to join in next year? Here's the link.

Oh, you thought we were done? No honey, no. I'm listening to a very ridiculous e-audiobook when I can't deal with music. Don't ask me the name because I haven't even paid attention. I have a second audiobook on CD's in my car about some stalker guy just in case...idk...I get bored or something while I'm driving and the e-audiobook nor music nor the phone is working for me?!! LOLOL I've checked out two other fiction books on top of all this but I'll never get to them in a three week period. I mean, come on.

That's enough about that. Not much to update here.

• I hung out at the beach today and took an epic nap. 
• Still working on picking paint colors though I'm really close. I think I've found the colors I want but still deciding which rooms get which colors.
• Jobs are going well, getting some more hours for July, which means paychecks will be more fun. 
• I survived my kid being in another city for an entire week which was WEIRD!!! 
• I'm putting my family back on the budget train for awhile. I've got money goals over here and its July already.

I doubt I'll get much done this week aside from working, gym-ing, and Mom-ing but it will be okay regardless. Ah, I miss watching movies at the movie theater.

I'll leave you with two songs. Just songs passing through. The first is Cardi B's I Like It featuring Bad Bunny and J Balvin. I'm okay with her part and the guy at the end but the guy in the middle...not so much.


While I was listening to this over the course of a couple days I wanted the sample. So I found it! Here's Pete Rodriguez's I Like it Like That and I like it like that!! Yep, my jokes are bad.


What are you missing right now?

Twenty Ways to be Miserable

I was given a paper a couple weeks ago titled "Twenty Ways to be Miserable". At the time, I was feeling miserable and not in the mood for any lectures on the matter so I did my best faux Exorcist reenactment at the person (see below), folded it neatly, and put it away for later consumption.
via GIPHY
Consumption happened and thoughts were had. Therefore, as a friendly reminder to myself down the road when I need to see these again, here are "Twenty Ways to be Miserable". While we're at it, let's set this to the tone of Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover covered by Miley Cyrus...because I like her version better right now.

1. Wait for others to make you happy.
2. Blame everyone else for your unhappiness.
3. Use "if only" whenever you can regarding money, time, or friends.
4. Compare what you have with what others have.
5. Always be serious.
6. Make statements using the words "always", "never", "nothing", and "everyone".
7. Take responsibility for everyone all the time.
8. Try to please everyone all the time.
9. Down play all of your accomplishments.
10. Never say "no".
11. Do not let others help you.
12. Predict that things will turn out awful for you.
13. Blame others for everything.
14. Do not consider your needs as important.
15. Put yourself down all the time.
16. Assume you know what others are thinking about you without checking it out.
17. If someone is complimenting you, assume they do not know you that well.
18. Do not share your emotions with others.
19. Strive for absolute perfection.
20. Always live in the past or the future.

As is probably true for most people, I do pretty well for a lot of these and fail miserably at others. I take it with a grain of salt and will do my best to improve on a couple things I could do better with.

So, netizens...what have you been doing to make yourself miserable lately? :) Byeeeee!