yes I am still alive

In an attempt to fill a void I have completely immersed myself in the works of Jane Austen. I have so much so that I feel that I am starting to speak as if I am one of the characters. I can't help but use the terms, "Indeed!" or "I dare say..." among others. lol.

Other than that, I started a class on Tues--Experimental Social Psychology. We will be conducting our own study throughout the next six weeks. I may go in to that more later. Peace!

A quick update

Okay so it has been awhile...again. Here we go:

I finished that top I was working on. I took a couple pics but we, as always with a toddler in the house, have no batteries so when I get some I will put up the pic. I start school on Tuesday and I am excited and nervous. I get nervous about everything so this doesn't surprise me. I have gained 4% body fat...WHOA!!! WHAT?! I walked past a big window when I was outside the other day and I could no longer see any muscles in my arms and I thought to myself, "Houston, we have a problem." Soooooo, I already started working out again, what, like a week or two ago, but my diet was sucking. I still eat healthy but I was eating too much which equal--you guessed it--FAT GAIN. lol. So its back to lean proteins, good carbs, and healthy fats for me. I am kicking it down to 2000 calories a day and making sure I suck down 0.5-1 gallon of water a day. I am downing my second 24 oz. of the day as I type.
I just got in from a 40 minute run/walk and I had much insight about my attitude toward running and exercise in general while I was out there today. I planned on putting my feelings down here but now I don't feel like it. lol. Maybe later. Maybe never. Until next time bloggers!

pets and plants

All about pets and plants today.
Rice went to get some Java Moss from Jolly's Reef Shack today. We have been waiting almost three weeks for this stuff...geesh! We looked at the bag and it looked like...well... like a big mass of moss. When we put it in the tank it looked like a giant wad of green hair. It is supposed to creep around and cover things as it grows--like a carpet of moss. So, we tied it to our driftwood and stuffed some in the sand. Hopefully it grows around our driftwood and creates a patch of carpet on one side of tank. For now, it is hideously ugly. lol. Rice also came home with another plant. He could not remember what it was called, "Silver something...", he said. So we have a mystery plant in the back corner of the tank. Supposedly it will get tall. I hope.
We got our first set of foster puppies today also. A girl and boy, France and Rome. They are six week old balls of puff. They are eating, pooping, peeing, sleeping machines. We only have them for two weeks so they won't be able to drive me to insane. They are already more well behaved than Rice's spawn of Satan chihuahua Rico. Ugh! I am yet to figure out how to position pictures in my posts the way I want them so I am just dumping them all over the post today. I"m over it! lol If anyone has any advice for me do tell. What did you do today?

I'm back I think

Well I have been MIA lately...to make a long story short I got really depressed, then started reading the Twilight Series, then just took some time away to hang out and soul search and all that jazz. I took some time off of sewing but I am back in the game now and I am working on a new tank right now. It's almost done so I will be taking some pics in a day or two I'm sure. We have been working on our ever-evolving fish tank. We are almost ready to start putting our tropical-permanent fish pets in!!!! I am excited about that. I can't wait to see the babies swimming around. I think I stated in a previous post that we would be going the live plant route this time. Well we picked up our first two bunches of hygrophila the other day. They are growing but we are definitely going to have to step our lighting game up if we want them to survive. The gold fish seem happy though and they have gotten HUGE! Here is a quick pic of what a planted tank can look like and I posted a video of our little guys swimming around in our tank...it looks so barren compared to the planted tank lol. Well, we will get there. I'm sure I will post pics as the tank progresses. I have been up to a lot of little things but I don't feel like rehashing everything from the last few weeks so we will just start new from here. I will see you soon bloggers.

hope(warning:cursing)

Okay cut the bullshit...I'm taking a moment to get down to what this blog is really about--my deepest darkest secrets. I need to go back to therapy ASAP. I am aimlessly wandering day to day feeling that I have no one to talk to, well, no one appropriate to talk to about my feelings. Well it is horrible timing for therapy right now so I am trying to do a couple of journal exercises out of my book THE COURAGE TO HEAL WORKBOOK. I managed to get through almost half of it when I was in therapy before and it literally almost killed me and all of my relationships.

***

When I was growing up, I hoped that...
someone would notice me...I was dying inside everyday while wearing a smile on my face.
my Mom would stop beating my brother.
Branch wouldn't actually run away and leave me all alone.
Branch or anyone would somehow appear in whatever room I was in and catch Tim in the act.
I was not crazy.
I was never born.
my Dad would not go to hell...this is what I was indirectly told.
I could just live in my room and never come out.
I could have tunnel vision when I left my room so I would not see him lurking naked behind doors around the house.
I could grow up to be a marine biologist and travel the seas alone forever.
if I did whatever I was supposed to do then my family would love me.
I was normal.
I was strong enough.
the man I dreamed about repeatedly would not actually come to my house and murder my family at night.
my brother would like me...that anyone would like me.
I had enough strength to beat my Mom up and get away if it came down to it.
my Mom would not kill herself when she would go into her "other self".
God would somehow explain to me someday why he was putting me through such torture.
I could be pretty like other people.
I could be more like the rest of my family.
I could have been born into a different family.
I could have died in the accident too.
Mom would have saved me from my situation when I told her about it instead of just having Tim and I "talk" it over. WTF!


What happened instead?
Nothing. No one knew I was feeling any of these things so nothing happened. Every day just came and went and I increasingly felt as though I was leading two separate lives; the real one I experienced inside and the one that did everything I was "supposed" to do to please everyone and gain their acceptance.

When my hopes were shattered, I...
wanted to escape...which eventually turned to suicidal thoughts. Suicide became an ultimate escape from it all and at the same time the ultimate revenge on everyone who "supposedly" loved me yet hurt me repeatedly. I also somehow learned to just zone out. I would sit in my room in the dark, lay in front of my stereo on the floor, put my speaker to my ear so I could only hear the music and I would be able to escape from my mind. I would lay there for hours most nights either crying my eyes out or almost completely lifeless...a shell. I still do not see how my mother could not have noticed this. Sometimes I wonder if she just avoided the whole situation. It's not like she was in great mental shape herself.

***

Hope...I pretty much lost hope for people growing up. I don't trust people. I talk in my sleep sometimes and one night when I was asleep my now husband said that I made this horrible face and said, "Don't trust people, they'll fuck with ya." When I woke up and he told me about this I thought...ya...that has pretty much come to be my motto in life as awful as it may sound for some people. That became my survival skill. After all, if you can't trust your parents that brought you into this world then who the hell can you trust. They are supposed to love you more than anyone else. I still have hope these days...a small shred of it...I hope that someday I can get this monkey off my back. I hope that I will reach that light at the end of the tunnel. I hope that I will not die still feeling this way. I hope that my kids never have to experience any of these things. I feel sick so I am going to stop now.

fabric and maxi dress!

Well I went to Hobby Lobby the other day and got some new jersey knits.

The top fabric was for my new maxi dress, compliments of this tutorial, the second is for another top(since I only have two shirts right now lol), and the bottom is for the top that MIL ordered. Well I still have some minor details to finish up and I still have to hem it but here is the new maxi dress!

Here is a close up of the bodice:

I made a good five mistakes on this: bodice is WAY too tight and stretching the fabric under my arms (won't do negative ease next time), prints don't match at seams anywhere (wasn't really trying to but I should have lol), the print on the bodice is running one way and the skirt portion is running the opposite way(oops, realized this halfway through the dress), not really into the cut of the bodice so I am going to use one of my favorite wrap-style sports bras as a pattern next time. So, I learned a lot and I feel like I did okay for not having a pattern and this being my first one. I think I am going to do the next one in a solid color like black. I have been wanting a little jean jacket and I think that would cover up my mistakes on this perfectly lol..Anyway let me know what you think! Any suggestions?

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know,
His house is in the village though.
He will not see me stopping here,
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer,
To stop without a farmhouse near,
Between the woods and frozen lake,
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake,
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep,
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

     -- Robert Frost

I was introduced to this poem in 8th grade English and have loved it ever since.  This is kind of how I feel about life.