Comfortably numb...

ya

I feel sick...

Wow. Just wow. I see one status message on facebook from someone in my past pertaining to a car tragedy I was involved in with three other people and my emotional juices started flowing. Hard. I can't even type fast enough to get down all that I am feeling because they are running around in there too fast. I am sure the hormonal imbalances of being pregnant don't help. I don't know if I am comforted or distressed that there are at least a small handful of people, three of us for sure, that will carry this one group of horrible memories, each through our own eyes, for the rest of our lives. I'm feeling nauseated so I will leave you with this.

Wear your goddamn seat belt and don't fuck around with automobiles. One bad decision can change your life and many others.

the perfect drug

How I never became a full on drug addict I will never know. Sometimes I think that the pull will always be there for me, knowing that I could numb the pain even if only for a little while at a time.

i can't sleep again...ever...

Is anything real at all? I mean our entire existence is based on our perceptions which are completely subjective and contrary to what we might believe are based on mere pieces of the puzzle.

What if you were given the option to literally "plug" into another person? To live, feel and experience as they do? Would you? Would you then allow someone to see your world?

I've been running my NIN albums in loops for that last few days so here are a couple of my favorites.

"Peeling off my white denial"

I almost came to tears in class today. We watched a video on how "race" began in America and the floodgates of emotions opened up. For starters, remember when we were little and learned all about Thomas Jefferson and how great he was and yada yada yada. Well I'm sure all that stuff was true and great but I am angry that a significant piece of information was omitted. A significant piece of American history. Thomas Jefferson also wrote a book called Notes on the State of Virginia where he described, well, Virginia. It was in this book that he wrote that he thought that the blacks must be inferior in mind and body. This started a huge, ugly, ripple effect. I won't go into detail about what happened then. Also, this was the man who signed the declaration of independence stating "All men are created equal"...he did this while he owned over 200 slaves!! Hypocritical much! They all justified this however by saying that because blacks must be inferior then they didn't count as the "men" in "All men are created equal." WTF!!? I understand that this is past and nothing can be done now but I just feel that I should have been given the whole picture. I am starting to see what people mean when they say that schools teach from the dominant point of view. Well, that is just my rant on Thomas Jefferson and what is taught in schools. I won't go in to Native Americans or the Mexicans that had their land completely and outright taken away!
My problem is now, what do I teach my son? I want to give him the whole picture of American history and his history but a big part of that picture is just so awful and embarrassing. And how do I explain moving forward? I am only just beginning to see just how ingrained race really is in our society. In the words of my professor, I'm "peeling off my white denial." I'm overwhelmed, sad, embarrassed, angry, perplexed, conflicted, curious and inspired. So among my big thoughts to ponder for the day are these:
What would America have become without European colonization?
Would the same types of things happened, just by a different group of peoples?
Would "America" be here at all?
Would "race" exist?
Is another world possible?

Thoughts? Suggestions? Comments?

Want to watch the video that inspired this post? Click here to go to the website. Its a PBS 3-Part Series called Race-The Power of an Illusion. We watched Episode 2 today in class.

prejudice assignment

Okay just a preface here. I am majoring in Psychology and I'm currently taking a class called Racial and Cultural Minorities. One of our assignments was to write a short little essay about what prejudices we hold and where we think they originated. I wrote a TON but since it could only be about 500 words I had to cut it down significantly. Anywho...I decided to post it here. I hope that those who read keep in mind that we all hold prejudices of some sort and I am only trying to become more aware of what mine actually are. You know what they say...the first step to change is knowing there is a problem. Enjoy! Oh ya and it looks like one big blob but it was really four different paragraphs. Blogger was giving me grief about formatting or something and I didn't feel like messing with it anymore.

This assignment has been both difficult to process and an eye-opening experience. I did not realize that I was holding prejudices toward a number of groups such as the homeless, the mentally handicapped, the elderly, the morbidly obese, men, and police officers. I will reflect in the following paragraphs on two of my strongest prejudices; the elderly and the morbidly obese.
I must first clarify that my prejudice toward the elderly only includes individuals that are no longer able to care for themselves and that are in rapidly declining health. As a child, I was taken weekly to the local nursing home to dance and sing for the tenants. What was supposed to be a positive experience for me I’m sure was in fact, a very negative experience. I was afraid of the elderly and watching them eat always nauseated me. I got into trouble with the law as a teenager and was sentenced to community service at another nursing home. I remember thinking that there was something wrong with the fact that helping out at a nursing home was considered a punishment. The experience I had there during my community service reinforced my negative feelings toward the elderly even more. I was made to clean feces off the walls and all of the half eaten food off of the dining room tables and floor after dinner. I also witnessed a number of other bodily fluid related incidents. I felt physically ill every day that I was there. I feel sick even now just writing about the things I witnessed, heard, and smelled during my time there.
I believe that my prejudice toward the morbidly obese stems from my Mother’s own body image issues. The general belief in my household growing up was that being even slightly overweight was extremely frowned upon and associated with a number of unfavorable characteristics such as lack of self-restraint, laziness, and poor hygiene. I remember being called greedy and gluttonous numerous times at the dinner table and I was thin. My thought process was that if I was these things and I was thin then what did that say about the morbidly obese? I now understand that there are mental and physical obstacles that can stand in the way of overall health and fitness. I’m sure that most people do not enjoy being morbidly obese so I ashamed that I generally prejudge them the way I do. In high school I became friends with a girl named Crystal. Crystal was morbidly obese. She turned out to be a complete opposite of everything that my well constructed stereotype said that she would be and my friendship with her was a very positive experience.
Although my friendship with Crystal broadened my perspective, it was not enough to overthrow the beliefs that I had ingrained. I also know that the elderly cannot help their conditions. However, I have become so uncomfortable with the thought of the elderly that I avoid them if I can. Finally, I understand that it is my responsibility to seek out the positive experiences needed to counteract the prejudices that I hold.

Simplicity 3796 View F

Pattern Description: Misses skirt in three lengths and pants in two lengths or shorts.

Pattern Sizing: I made View F/size 10...according to the measurements I should have been a 12 but it ran big.

Did it look like the photo/drawing on the pattern envelope once you were done sewing with it?Yes

Were the instructions easy to follow?Yes

What did you particularly like or dislike about the pattern?I just didn't like how the drawstring turned out. It just doesn't seem like other drawstring bottoms I have had. It is too stiff or something. I would think this would not be a good pattern for someone with bigger hips and smaller waist because the bottoms have to be big enough to fit over your hips but then have to be cinched up at the top and it bunches a little.

Fabric Used:100% cotton lightweight denim

Pattern Alterations or any design changes you made:No changes

Would you sew it again? Would you recommend it to others?I am going to sew some of the other things on this pattern but I don't need another one of these. This skirt is cute so I would recommend it but not to someone with big hips and little waist as mentioned above.

Conclusion: Good learning experience for me. I learned how to use double folded bias tape and did my first pockets. I also got some more topstitching practice in.