Friends

Okay I feel like I have found some insight into my friend deficit situation. For starters I feel like a bad person because I feel like friends are always there for me but I am not there for them. I feel like I am always just take take take. I don't like it but I just keep doing it.

Well, it occurred to me this evening that maybe this is because I feel like I have nothing to offer. How could I possibly give someone advice about anything? and how can I comfort someone when I don't even feel comforted? I can I try to cheer up another person that is down when all I want to do is cry with them.

I think my self-esteem is so low that I don't think I would make a good friend so I push people away and isolate myself. It is like a viscious cycle. I have to figure out what I have to offer as a human being. I will keep you all updated when I figure that one out lol

Slang I hate!!

I hate slang! I am oh so guilty of it at the same time too.

Here are a few that I hate:

"What's good?" --Ummmm WTF lol

"What 'is name is?" --Meaning oh I know his name but I can't think of it let me try to describe him...

"Holla" --I used to like this one but now it is just annoying

"lol"--I hate this...why do I feel compelled to use it in almost every sentence I write lol

"What's up?" The "how are you?" of my generation. I say this at the beginning of almost all my calls...why can't I just say how are you.

"like" --like I'm like trying to like describe something like and I can't like get through my like sentence...WOW I am glad that I pretty much got over that stage lol

"nigga" --Can we all just stop using this word and any form of it--I'm sure there are better words to call friends. Terrible word

I feel like I could go on and on so I will stop here "lol" Maybe someday I will stop slanging it.

Dated 8-28-07

So here I am sitting in my Stress Management class waiting for the professor to enter. How ironic. I wonder if I am the most stressed out person in Stress Management. Maybe, maybe not. I was stressed when I woke up. I stressed about leaving my baby, traffic , time. I'm stressed about coming to Stress Management class! I stress and worry about EVERYTHING! Shall I disclose my crazy ways to the class. We will see how this first day goes. I really hope this class can help me because I am one very tired human being. I could be a spokesperson for stress.

Ha! Now my professor is late for the first day and I am stressing about that. Plus! We have to introduce ourselves. Aaaagh!! I'm having the fight-or-flight response and boy would I like to "flight".

So it is about six in the morning and I just woke up. My first thought is that I can't take this anymore. I just do not want to be here anymore. This does not mean that whoever reads this should call the suicide hot-line. Just chill out a second. I have a baby so I can't do that. By the way, isn't it crazy that when you talk about suicide(just talking) people want to jump in and start criticizing you for even thinking about that and how it would make everyone else feel. These are good points but think for a second. Does this person who is fantasizing about suicide as an escape really need to have the extra pressure of those things on his/her shoulders. It makes it worse! Now add guilt to your repertoire. Well, I have to go to class. These are just some of my thoughts this Thursday morning. Have a GREAT day! lol

So here I am posting another depressing post. I spent the other night in the E.R. only to find that I have gallstones. What the fuck are gallstones? Well, turns out this is yet another perk of pregnancy. Yay Rah! Now, if I eat any fatty, fried, greasy, or spicy foods I get to have excruciating pain or diarrhea for the rest of my life. Well that really put the icing on my cake. I mean really! Could baby making be any more fun? First getting morning sickness from hell that lands me in the hospital for dehydration. Then, restless leg syndrome that made me repeatedly lose sleep and have to go to bed in sopping wet cold socks out of the sink (You might understand if you have had this ). Not to mention stretch marks and probably saggy boobs when I'm done breastfeeding. I have an inflamed nerve which is very painful that I seemed to acquire during childbirth and now gallstones. I'm almost scared to have another kid. What will happen next time? Am I going to lose a kidney? I love my baby to death but damn. It sure was hard getting him here. Stop!...

I know, I know, count the good things. Ya ya ya I do. I really do and I am thankful for a lot of things in my life but sometimes it seems like denial. I mean it is like someone looking at a broken engine and saying, "Hey but at least this part and this part works." Ya they do dumb ass but that doesn't make the engine run does it. Or maybe a broken bowl that is missing a piece in the bottom. It might be a very pretty bowl and be almost whole but if it is missing that one piece then it is not going to hold anything.

I guess it all boils down to that question, "Is the glass half empty or half full?" Well, if you set said glass in front of me then I would go with half full but when it comes to life I guess my glass is half empty.

R.I.P. Kisha
2002-2007

My dog died last night. Enough said.

Caretakers

Another poem if you want to call it that:

how could you do this to me.
the way you both are makes me ill.
If I can't trust you, then who to trust.
Welcome to inner hell, Paranoia!
had to leave and go beyond
just to take your shit.
Now where am I when
I come back
Welcome to inner hell, Insomnia!
Now your hurt, mad, embarrassed
Welcome to the Fuckin' club bitches!
That's okay I'm empowered by the
fact that I will never be like you
My kids will grow untouched and
I will teach them about souls like you.