"On you will go..."

I'm tired fam...life tired.

On a completely different subject. I listened to this quick, hour-long audiobook while at the gym last night.

It seemed relevant at the time and I couldn't handle music. I seem to like a decent amount of what Adichie says in general (not just in this book) as she's in the "equal opportunities camp" instead of the "women are superior or men don't have any problems camp". Women aren't in the superior or inferior box across the board and men deal with sexist stuff as well. I agreed with some of what she said and other parts seemed less rooted in the reality we currently live in. She does give a disclaimer in the beginning that she wrote this before becoming a parent of her own daughter and that changed her thoughts a little. Anyway, it was food for thought which was exactly what I was looking for. Prior to that, I tried two other audiobooks on the subject of self-esteem or self-confidence but they were so unbelievably corny and full of psycho babble that I couldn't hang. Don't give me rainbows and unicorns, give me something concrete, something real.

Want to hear something random and completely useless? I'll tell you. You know these whiteout things?

Yes? Okay. Great little tools. This particular one malfunctioned on me (apparently a common thing. I wouldn't know). I watched a quick tutorial on YouTube and went to war with it. Little did I know this would take me to my limits of patience and occupy 45 straight minutes of my time. I had a coworker tell me it was simply defective and he'd just get me a new one. I knew it wasn't defective though! I knew it was me, so I thanked him and kept on. After several more YouTube videos, it was fixed and working properly. That right there put me on a high that lasted for hours that day. 

See? Useless babbling.

I'll leave you with a new Burna. Its...alright. But its mellow and that's what I need right now.

Let's work to keep our heads up. Hmm? Alright? Alright then!

Sleepy post

Greetings! I'm working today and have run into some fascinating photography books! Yes, I'll be bringing them home for further perusal just as soon as I find some more room in my purse...and of course I will share them here when I do.

I wore red lipstick all day the other day so another bucket list item bites the dust. Honestly, half way through I realized this shouldn't really be on the list because it's not that scary anymore.

Hmm, what else...

• I painted the dining room the other day. Debating on doing part of the living room this weekend or not. 
• I've been to Lowe's twice now looking for mailbox posts with no luck and will try a new store next week.
• The last student loan of my Bachelor's degree got paid off today; one of the 2018 goals I set and can now mark off. Feels good!
• I can now do two pullups at a time...sometimes. This was also a goal for 2018 but I'm not ready to mark it off just yet. Maybe when I can do more in a row.

I think that's all for now. I feel so sleepy all the time and at the same time I'm getting more and more restless. I'd like to disappear and do something fun and spontaneous. I've been looking for opportunities but if I can't find one, I'll be making one!

Gonna read a take a cat nap. I'm out!

On self-esteem

Yesterday I...

• felt the sun warming the side of my face while I was driving and it made me smile. I was grateful.
• clipped the fingernails of a man I barely know at work. I was kinda grossed out but as a human being he needed help and asked me for it so I did it. It was a little surreal lol
• made a new grilled cheese but not really. In reality I made a duplicate by accident. Ugh! Lol
• was told by one of my children that he doesn't think his brown skin looks as good on him as a lighter skin would. He'd rather have skin like the people he's playing in his games. (White) Sigh. 😔😔

OK! Topic change!

I've had a backslide on self-esteem issues. I had to basically start from scratch in my early 20's and have worked really freaking hard to get where I am today with my little baby self-esteem so I'm not going to let this get any more out of hand. I busted out my book last night (because books are what I do baby!) to do an exercise which I'll put some of here. Watch me work!! 😊

So it goes like this. There are some words listed and I'm to check the ones that apply to me. Some were easy. I'll put those in green. Some made me hesitate and I felt slightly dishonest but directions specifically say "if you sometimes are, or have been, reasonably..." so those will be in yellow. Some were even harder and caused some mental battling as in, technically, yes...maybe, sometimes, but I'm fighting it. lol I'll put those in orange. The rest in red are either I have never felt they apply to me, no longer apply, don't feel they apply yet, and would feel like a liar to say that they do. 

Here we go!

Humorous, mirthful, or amusing

Loyal, committed

Literate

Strong, powerful, forceful

Determined, resolute, firm

Patient

Rational, reasonable, logical

Sensitive, or considerate

Appreciative

Industrious

Successful

Open-minded

Spontaneous

Flexible or adaptable

Affectionate

Adventurous

Handy

Punctual

Gentle

Trustworthy

Loving

Creative or Imaginative

Clean

Friendly

Compassionate, kind, or caring

Disciplined

Generous
Conciliatory 

Respectful, or polite

Principled, ethical

Responsible, reliable

Encouraging, complimentary

Intelligent, perceptive

Cooperative

Forgiving, or able to look beyond mistakes or shortcomings

Tranquil or serene

Energetic

Expressive

Assured or self-confident

Enthusiatic, spirited

Optimistic

Trusting, seeing the best in others

Inutuitive or trusting of own instincts

Persuasive

Talented

Cheerful

Organized, orderly, or neat

Sharing

Attractive

Well-groomed

Physically fit

Tactful

Graceful, dignified

Looking at this list like this, a couple things immediately pop out for me.

1. Some things that are in yellow or orange and even a couple in red were at one point in green. Backsliding indeed!! For example, I mean, come on Aberiah. You're intelligent...SMH. But if I'm being deep down honest right in these last few...however long, I don't feel intelligent nor have I been telling myself I am. I often feel stupid and have been telling myself the same for lacking common sense or not being able to do math in my head or making little mistakes or comparing myself to others. That's a no-no and needs to stop.
2. Almost all the things in red make some significant, somewhat hurtful memory or memories pop up in my mind that is related to it. For example, trusting (parents), talented (mom), sharing (mom), attractive (parents). Some I don't know how to fix but I think I'll write at least some of those out. However, that's not for this blog. Need to try to get those things out and hopefully let them go. Just because I was told I was or was not something before doesn't mean that has to be my truth about myself today. Some things for me to think about there.
3. Look at those greens up there. Awwwwww. I'm proud of my greens! 😊

Part two!! I'm to come up with 15 nice statements about myself but the catch is they have to be totally believable for me. I've played this game before. It's not easy but the trick is to get crafty with the wording. 😉 I can use some of the words up top.

1. I have a strong and determined mind and my focus is killer!! 💪I'm tough!
2. I'm sensitive, empathetic, and very affectionate. 🤗
3. I'm open-minded, love learning new things,  and thrive on spontaneity.
4. I'm highly adaptable.
5. I'm adventurous, playful, and love to laugh.
6. I work hard to get what I want and where I want to be.
7. I'm appreciative and grateful.
8. I'm patient, loyal, and understanding. 
9. I'm thoughtful and a good listener.
10. I'm ambitious and independent.
11. I see the beauty in the little things.
12. I'm dependable and brave.
13. I'm perceptive, insightful, and fair.
14. I'm passionate about the things I do!!!❤
15. I'm a go-getter and generally achieve the goals I set for myself.💪

There. Look at that. I'm alright after all! 😉

Gonna look at these every day for awhile, until they soak in like they should.

I'll leave you with a couple songs. These have been on repeat for the last two days and seem to be covering all the emotions I need from music at the moment. I killed these on the way home from work today!! LOL I mean, who "car concerts" like I do?!

And here's something that made me laugh. Does everyone remember Prodigy's Firestarter. Great song! No? Here's a refresher...


What made me laugh was this video I ran into again...


That's pretty much me as a mom. lol. I remember rocking my baby the first few times and realizing I didn't know any of those songs. You know, the ones that mothers are supposed to know and sing to babies?! Ummmm. What did I do? I improvised! Shout out to all the moms out there who are winging it every single day!

Laters!!!

Things that help.

I'm not in the mood to dwaddle so I'll start with some bucket list stuff.

1. I got my eyebrows threaded for the first time ever yesterday so I can mark that off the list. 👀 Cost me ten dollars, I was in and out in about 10 minutes, didn't hurt as bad as I thought it might, and I've never had so many hairs in my eyes in my life!
2. I've ordered a copy of my birth certificate so I can get my first passport. Playing the waiting game there.
3. I want to send a care package to a random soldier. I found all the steps to do that yesterday and will be contacting the USO next week for the rest of the info.
4. I have procured a bottle, a cork, and instructions for how to send a message in a bottle these days. Lol I need my bottle to go FAR! What on earth should I write??

That's all for that, for now. Let's talk about work!
I LOVE my job and feel fortunate to have found what I was passionate about and turn it into a career. Each workday I gain perspective from something and I learn new things everyday; sometimes small, sometimes big, sometimes re-learning things I've forgotten.

Hmmm, without telling you what I do for a living...we'll say that when I'm at work, I'm surrounded by stories. Stories of all kinds and some of the most impactful on any given day come from the people that come up to me and tell me theirs. Here are a couple of recent ones that had my gears turning long after...

• A woman came to me in distress, said she was a published author and no longer able to locate her website. After giving her the contact information for the company who ran her site she told me her story and was sad that her book hadn't sold any copies in two years. I told her maybe it was time to write another one! After she left, I sat and thought about her for awhile, then looked up the book. There was only the one, self-published two years ago, sold on Amazon and Barnes & Noble, no reviews, and only nine pages.... Things aren't always as they seem at first. lol 
• I work with two guys who gave me their life stories. One is a disabled vet who was the unlucky guy to get into some nerve gas on a deployment, just taking a piss one day and unknowingly breathed it in. Never even had a clue. Now, he has uncontrollable tremors, lesions all over his body, walks with a cane on the good days, and spends a lot of time sick or in the hospital getting tests. How's that for life throwing you a crappy curve ball. He tells me that even now  he misses the action. He'll never be able to feel that adrenaline rush in the same way. 
• The other guy has Absence Seizures which cause lapses in awareness. On the outside he'll just look blank like someone in a daydream but inside he's seizing. He's had it since he was ten, was never able to have a driver's license, and loses whole chunks of time when he's blacking out. He told me a recent story of ordering a sandwich, walking a few blocks and back to his third floor desk at work before "waking up". He had to leave work and retrace his steps to his last memory to ask people what had happened. He crossed multiple streets while blank!! I imagined for awhile what a life like that would be like.
• I sat and secretly watched a homeless man (who seemed very happy!) pull out, carefully examine, categorize and repack several food items back into his bag. This was all done with intense focus and took quite a bit of time. I picked up from his comments to others that he had located a bag of goodies just outside in the back of a parking lot. I saw some yogurt, ramen noodles, snack packs, etc.. His day was made and he was so happy that the people around him started smiling as well. The thing that really threw me as I was secretly watching was that he gave some to another guy. Even with so little, he gave of what he had. That right there inspired me. It not only inspired me but it reminded me that you never know who's watching you or how you might be helping someone without ever knowing it. Also, anybody can help anybody. Period. It doesn't matter where you are in life or what you have or don't have. It just has to be the right time and the right place.
• There is a guy who rides around in a motorized wheel chair who always greets me in some way no matter how many times he's seen me that day. A couple days ago he stopped at my desk, we started talking, and he gave me his story. He used to own a landscaping company, also built things in his spare time, worked on cars a lot, etc.. A guy who liked to use his hands, lots of manual labor stuff. Then he had a stroke that changed his entire life immediately. He recovered somewhat only to fall while getting on a bus one day, completely shattering his hip which put him in a wheel chair. He ended up have two more strokes that left his entire left side paralyzed. Now he rides around in his motorized wheelchair and is getting a business degree. We agreed that in life, no one ever knows what's around the bend.

Anyway, like I said, I get stories like these almost every day. Its a beautiful thing. Moving on!

I ran into a book full of Xhosa Proverbs (Thanks to Trevor Noah's Born a Crime for teaching me what Xhosa is!) a few weeks ago that sucked me in and had me thinking. It stayed in my mind so I found it again to jot down a few that I liked and want to come back to from time to time. I'll leave you with those.

Dawn does not come twice to awaken anyone
Make sure you take those opportunities when they appear.

No elephant is overburdened by its own trunk
Anyone should be capable of handling their own responsibilities in life.

No partridge scratches the ground in search of food for another
Don't expect others do to for you what you should do for yourself.

An infant that does not cry out, dies on its mother's back, or is dead on delivery (stillborn)
Make your needs known and ask for help when you need it.

A bird builds with other birds' feathers
Equivalent to "No man is an island"

Headed out to try to have a some kind of a Sunday! Byeee!

Let's talk wine

Sit down and I'll tell you a tale of the time I took myself on a months-long wine tasting adventure to prove someone wrong. Ok, not really telling a tale. Just sit down and I'll tell you about some wines I tasted recently. Sit down!!

I never liked wine. Yes, I had limited experience with the stuff but the point is that I had written it off in my mind as something everyone else seemed to love that I thought was gross.

Now, I'm at work one day and was talking to a wine salesman that frequents my place of employment and often stops to chat. This guy talked about wines every single time I saw him and I always "Hmm'd", smiled, and nodded along but for some reason I decided that day to drop a bomb on the conversation and I disclosed my dirty little wine secret; that I hated it! He was flabbergasted and the challenge was on. He told me its not possible, that I just hadn't found the right wine for me yet. He asked me a series of questions about my taste preferences and I told him to write down three wines that even a person who hates wine would like. So it started with these...

Stella Rosa Black-I hated to hand it to the guy but this was the very first one I tasted from his list of three and it blew me out of the water. I buzzed only slightly which was a nice feeling. Very yummy and ended up being my favorite red wine. Apparently, I'm a sweet wine girl. Who knew?! :)

Costa Rosa Sangue Di Giuda Dell'Otrepo Pavese-Next up was this tongue twister and another red wine. This one was not on wine saleman's list. However, almost every time I went to the liquor store they were out of the one I was looking for next, whatever that may be. Never fear though! According to the wine guy at the liquor store who became my guiding star of wine shopping, this wine was one I would definitely like if I liked Stella. Per wine guy, there are two versions of this. The one in the regular bottle is, well, regular but the one in this bottle shown above (no, that's not me folks) is like a slightly carbonated version of the same exact wine. I got carbonated and ran! This one was good! Didn't buzz at all but it tasted second best to Stella. Wine guy and wine salesman started out with good grades in my book.

San Sebastian Vintners Red-Then I hit a dud with this nastiness. A failing grade from wine salesman's list. Ugh, just gross but I buzzed. I had to chug it because I couldn't handle the taste. Ewww, moving on.

7 Moon Red Blend-It took me weeks to get ahold of this one and it turned out to put even San Sebastian to shame. The nastiness knew no bounds. Wasn't sure I could or even wanted to finish my glass. I did though, chugged again, and buzzed so hard!!! That was fun and all lol but still nasty...

There was another one or two red wines in there that wine guy was selling me as I was waiting for the ones of my list to become available. If I remember their names I'll update this post later. Moving on to the whites!!

I ran into wine salesman again at work and reported my findings. Congratulations were offered for finally finding a red wine I liked but we weren't done yet! What if I need a white wine?! I was given orders to try Stella Rosa Moscato D'Asti since I liked Stella Rosa Black so much. Of course they didn't have it in stock when I went so wine guy sent me on my way with two others...

Costa Rosa Bianco Provincia Di Pavia-Yummy enough stuff and I figured out the trend. If you like the red or white version of one, you will probably like the sister-wife version. ;) I buzzed a little. Thumbs up.

Plumeria Moscato D'Asti-More yummy-ness and I buzzed some more. Hooray for the buzz! I feel like I tried the sister-wife version of this one but can't remember for sure. Is there such a thing?? Anyway, I'd drink this again. Wine guy was killing it by this point. I felt like he'd figured me out for good.

Stella Rosa Moscato D'Asti-Last but not least we had the one wine salesman recommended. I tried this one tonight and it was grand. Kinda bubbly, not nasty, win win!

So that's a wrap for my little wine tasting challenge. Wine salesman gets a B- or C+, wine guy is the top student in the class, and I found some wines I liked! In the end though I noticed that the ones I liked the most had the lowest alcohol content. Does that mean I still don't like wine because I like whatever is closest to grape juice?

Wanna buy me some wine? Something sweet, fruity, and with the lowest alcohol content available is sure to win me over.

What kind of wine do you dig?

Checking in...

Look at those beautiful beds there! Few more weeks to go before they get loaded up!!

Nothing much to say here today. I'm tired but content, at work, and simply want to put in a good, solid day before I sleep tonight.

There's about four weeks left before the kids go back to school and it's now crunch time. Supplies from supply lists must be bought and gathered, fresh haircuts must be acquired, two practically complete new wardrobes must be purchased because the current have either been outgrown or worn out from summer fun, and this year presents new quirks. I have one going into middle school...dun, dun, DUHHHHH...lol

...which has an entirely different arrival and departure time from the younger child. Do I have to register him for this new school? Does he need shots? A physical? How does he sign up for extracurricular activities? Does he want to? What's available? Should I push for that? Is this a free lunch school as well or do I need to add money somewhere? Where and how? Won't he need a PE uniform? Where's that info? Do I need to talk with him about public showers? As in, "Boy, wash the sweat off your ass!!!" How is he getting to school/getting home? Can he ride a bike? Too far? Is it safe in traffic? What if its lightning after school? What about the bus? Do I have to register him for that? What's the bus schedule? Is he mature enough now to be home alone after school? Definitely need to sit down and have that talk with him. We don't have a landline anymore so do I let him keep his cell service since that will be the only way to call in an emergency?

Basically, I'm doing a lot of answer-hunting and money-hoarding for the upcoming end of summer.

I'm out! :)

Slow progress is still progress!

I'm back with a grilled cheese success. Finally! I made Pizza Grilled Cheeses yesterday and they were pretty well received. By popular demand, I skipped the mushrooms, black olives, and pepperoni that the recipe called for to be inside the sandwich. What was left in the end was a pizza-flavored, melted mozzarella sandwich that we dipped in marinara sauce and after all that, my littlest wouldn't eat it. Sigh. Kids, gotta love 'em.The picture below is not mine but will give an idea. Ours had pizza sauce, fresh mozzarella, sliced tomatoes, and herbs all piled onto ciabatta buns.

Things are moving along SLOOOOOOWLY in the garden department but still, slow progress is better than no progress. Four cubic yards of soil mix will be delivered tomorrow afternoon to the front yard which will need to be carted load by load to the beds in the backyard (fun times ahead haha) and I'm still scrambling to find boxes to line the bottom of the beds. August will be planting time and I'll leave a list here of what can be planted, companion plants that will go with them, as well as what has gone well or not in my yard so far. Let's go!

• Beets-Grew these once and ate the greens, they did pretty well. Now that I know about and can make borscht, these might come more in handy!
• Broccoli-These do well but take up a lot of space for not as much return. I'm on the fence.
• Brussel Sprouts-Really want to eat these but I think they are space hogs. We'll see.
• Cabbage-These didn't do as well. Had some pest problems and the heads were smaller.
• Carrots-Carrots went crazy and I had so many! I don't eat raw carrots though so they only get cut and put in the freezer for soups. Still had too many though so if I grow these, I'll plant less.
• Cauliflower
• Celery
• Collards-My yard loves growing collards. They go nuts and I can count on eating tons of these dark leafy greens every time I plant them. These are a definite yes!
• Green Onions-These do pretty well if my memory serves me. I remember going out in the mornings to get them and add them to my scrambled eggs.
• Turnips
• Chinese Cabbage
• Kale
• Mustard
• Strawberries-These did pretty well if I remember but I didn't have enough of them.(can be planted Sept.15-Oct. 15)

I'd like to make homemade kimchi again this year so I may try Chinese Cabbage this time instead. Also, I love strawberries so I'm saving an entire bed for strawberries which will be planted in September. They do well with green onions so they'll be there as well and this time they'll be sitting on a blanket of straw so no strawberries will find themselves rotting in the dirt. No strawberry left behind!!

Companion plants for everything include:

• Garlic
• Chives
• Chamomile (If I plant this, I'll look into using some to make myself some tea :))
• Summer Savory
• Pigweed (What is this?)
• Thistle
• Catnip 
• Hyssop
• Dill (?)
• Mint (More tea!)
• Nasturtium
• Southernwood
• Tansy
• Thyme

Other than that, lots and lots of marigolds! This time around I'm going bigger on flowers. They help a lot with pests and I sometimes skimp a little because I don't want to spend the money so I'll be trying to pack things in a bit more this time around to see how that works. I want full and bushy beds like this!!

Seed order will be made soon as well as the list of what will need to be picked up from the plant nursery. At some point I will also need to figure out how I want to work resting the beds. Growing seasons are year round here but I can't keep hammering out plants season after season in every bed. I can either...

1. Pick one main season to grow things each year in all the beds and use the other season to grow a cover crop, something like what is done up north.
2. Use half the beds to grow one season and half the beds to grow the other season, with cover crops being grown in between.
3. Use three beds at all times but rotate each season so that the fourth bed will always have a crop each season.

With so little space already I hate taking anything out of commission but its got to be done I guess. Anyway, I'm thinking on that.

Off to start my day!