Let me travel you down some of the roads of my thoughts today.
I caught myself feeling jealous today. My thoughts angrily ended on, "What a stupid fucking feeling." How to explain...I think it came from first thinking about why I was feeling jealous in the first place which at its most basic level boils down to someone else got something I want. At first it felt sad and pitiful but that whole thing is based on the belief that if the other person hadn't had the thing that it hypothetically could have ended up being mine. Well...I don't think that's the case. Therefore, what a stupid fucking feeling. If the thing would never have been mine regardless of if the other person had it or not...If I was lined up with the other person and 200 others at the right time and the thing STILL wouldn't have ended up being mine then why am I feeling jealous. It was never even an option for me. What a stupid fucking feeling.
Now, if the thing ever hypothetically could have been mine then that changes everything! LOL Then, yes, I could feel jealous and think of what could have been with a smile and a tear and in some weird way it would feel nice. Satisfying that I at least had a fucking hope and a prayer.
Anyway...other than that, if someone has something that I feel jealous of and its in my ability to get it, why be jealous? I can just go get that thing too! Most of the time it turns out that its a matter of a difference in timing and priorities and that's ok. Jealousy gone!
I blasted and sang this twice on the way home tonight. Jealousy: It can be 100% justified and understandable, 100% no good, or any combination in between. Sometimes I love it. Sometimes I hate it. But we're human and so it will be there.
Money was also on my mind today. I gave over 3k of it away towards the bathroom remodel and also went to work. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Money often costs too much." I thought today about what money is costing me right now. I only work part-time but because of the way the schedule is, I barely see my kids during the week. Money is costing me precious time with my kids. Every week they plead with me to see me more. They beg to sleep in my bed. Get out of their beds to greet me when I come home at night and try to cram their whole day into the five minutes before I make them go back to bed since they have school in the morning. They have things they're excited about and waited all day to tell their mom. I have no idea what they're doing in school anymore or what homework is due, or when. I'm completely out of the loop. At some point they'll accept my absence and will no longer plead for that time with mom. They'll lose hope and quit sharing. Money is costing me that and that loss is too great which is one reason I'm trying to get a better job even if its less money per hour. No amount of money could ever buy that time back. Its priceless.
This got me thinking about what else is priceless in life. Definitely nothing materialistic. I mean, my entire house could burn down tomorrow along with everything in it. I would be devastated at the loss. There are pictures and momentos and all my belongings that some of which I could never get back. But what are the most important things that you want to make it out of a fire. Its whatever and/or whoever you love. Insurance would give me money and another house would come and different belongings would eventually feel like mine, too. My oldest kid said something the other day that made me realize he'd learned something REALLY valuable, in my opinion. He said that when he's home alone its nice for awhile but even though its our house, it doesn't feel like our house unless we're all in it together. He said it just feels like "a" house; empty. Not "our" house. I told him that was true and that there is a saying that home is where the heart is. Today I thought, if you've got the people you love by your side and you know they love you back just as much and they'll be there by your side no matter what, whether you live in a mansion, suburbia, an apartment, a box, or wherever, you already have the most important component of a home. Let me ask you this? If you had someone you really, really loved and the feeling was mutual but you were separated from this person all the time. Which do you think would feel more like home? Wherever you are, alone, or being with them wherever they are? Would it matter where that was? No, it would not. You compromise, plan, work hard, play, and make decisions together and you make it the home. Together. It sounds beautiful! Unfortunately, this has not exactly been my experience thus far. Lol Never say never, right?!
What else is priceless? Basically everything inside a person. There is nothing I have within me that someone can take away. No one can take my education away or my life experiences or all the life lessons I've learned along the way. I'll always have each and every memory (that I can remember at least) and each defining or meaningful moment. No one can take away my feelings or times that made me smile, laugh, or cry. No one can take away my intelligence or the way I look at things. All the little quirks that make me who I am. No one can take that away from me. I'm priceless and it has taken almost 35 years and a lot of shit for me to get to the person I am right now. I'm like a rare fucking artifact and I get more priceless and valuable each year! No amount of money could ever be worth more than that. Of course, that's easy for me to say in my cozy, middle-class bed. But you get the point. If I died tomorrow, maybe people would care and maybe they wouldn't but one thing is for sure. I, Aberiah, would be gone. Gone gone! And there would never be another like me. When I think of the people that are most important to me and how priceless they are like that in the same exact way, I get overwhelmed with love and gratitude for the time I get to spend with them. No amount of money made could ever buy something so precious as that time. Money gets me places and allows me to buy the things I want and need but I never want money to "cost" me too much in return.
It true what they say I think:
- Life is a great balancing act
- The best things in life are free and
- You can't take "things" with you when you die
Again, all this is very easy to say from my cozy, middle-class bed. I acknowledge that.
To catch up on books quickly...
I finished the Trump book today. It was a solid read and I would recommend it! You may have to ignore Trump's GIANT ego but I still recommend. I also finished The Bird Box which I would also recommend. The ending was appropriate I think and while it could have been more I think it was smart to keep it short and sweet and to the point. To try to explain things better would have made it a much longer and altogether different book. I looked up his other books and didn't find anything that caught my eye so I'm moving on. I enjoyed that read and I'm always grateful for that!!
In other news, I got flowers today. Flowers... I mean, they really are relative. Who they're from and what they're for makes all the difference in the world. In the end though, I think at the very least, flowers are always a nice gesture and look pretty on the table so I was grateful and that's where they went. That's all I'll say about that here.
Since today seems to be all about quotes for me I'll leave you with a few that hit home for me today.
"If you only do what you know you can do--you never do very much." -Tom Krause
"What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?" - George Eliot
"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again." -Alex Tan
On that note...I'm going to sleep so fuck off! ;)
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