Long time, no see. This won't be long because I've been waiting around two weeks, I think, to play AC Odyssey again and I'm beyond ready to get to it!
The family trip back home has been completed and was another goal marked off the list for 2018. Saw both parents in the same year this time around! That almost never happens! I hadn't been home for four or five years and I was able to do, and watch my kids do, lots of things I used to do when I lived there. I'm fortunate to be able to get my city boys out of the city sometimes. They thrive out there and my oldest did a lot of thinking and talking about it. That kid may end up in the country someday. Anyway, saw lots of family, ate yummy food that I didn't have to cook or buy, and made it back in one piece.
Yummy homemade food everywhere!
Treasures found like some of the corrective shoes I was made to wear as a kid
Perhaps my very first pair of Adidas shell tops?! Not quite but close ;)
On the flip side, the stress and anxiety were insane, I feel like I lost a year off my life, and I was sick the entire time with a cold... Ah, that's life though. There will always be some good and some bad to everything. Right? Right! Moving on!!
Things coming down the pipeline:
I have my new 2019 planner in which will be written new goals for 2019. Hmm, what will I aim to crush this next year? ;)
I'm currently searching for a new book. Finished the zombie one and it was hilarious all the way to the end. Will let you know what I end up in.
Christmas tree and decorations will more than likely be going up this weekend.
Master bath renovation is coming to an end very soon and I'm excited to be able to mark this off the list of goals as well.
Still saving for a new TV but with Christmas around the corner and the way sales go, I think it might be best to buy after Christmas. Sitting on the money for now and adding little by little to my stash :)
I've, of course, run across some quotes I liked while gone and you're going to hear them!! ;)
"You will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. If you round out your edges, you lose your edge."
-Danielle LaPorte
"When it hurts--observe. Life is trying to teach you something."
-Anita Krizzan
Finally, three things I'm grateful for:
The strength I've gained from working out for I'm able to climb trees again!
Having enough money to live comfortably. I've come a long way from mustard sandwiches, $10/week grocery budgeting, and counting quarters to be able to get enough gas to get to work that day.
My best friend who is truly a jack-of-all-trades, one of a kind, and my MVP.
Whale helloooo there! I'm sitting here listening to the sound of various tools ripping apart all parts of my bathroom. It's the beautiful sound of renovation, don't get me wrong, but I can do nothing even remotely productive while that's going on. Video games? Tried but can't hear or concentrate. Cooking? Tried but just kept standing in the kitchen and forgetting what I was doing. Painting? Too much dust in the air and I'll be in the way. I was resigned to just sit on the couch with my dog and stare but then I remembered you! So I'll try this. :)
Let's see, what's happened. I suppose it comes down to my basics: cooking, reading, music, projects, and randomness.
Cooking:
I finally got the birthday cake I requested this year! It was about a week'ish late but it came. Its called a blackout cake. Basically, it consists of a chocolate layer cake with chocolate pudding in between the layers, chocolate frosting, and more chocolate cake crumbles covering the entire thing. Don't let me stop you from Googling it. ;) What can I say? I like chocolate and wanted something I'd never had before. It was a toss up between this and a Tres Leche cake. You can Google that, too. Maybe I'll do that one next year. Anyway, I was surprised with this when I got home from work one day. They'd tried their hands at homemade pudding and frosting and added Oreo wafers to the crumbles on the top. The cake was dripping everywhere and maybe wasn't the most aesthetically pleasing thing to look at but it tasted good! Cracked me up.
Blackout cake
My blackout cake
I broke out the grilled cheese cookbook the other night for another edition of "Crazy Grilled Cheeses" and found one that fit the bill. It was supposed to be pimento cheese mixed with celery on buttered egg bread. However, I made the mistake of sending my spouse to the store for the bread and he "just picked one" so ours became pimento cheese mixed with celery on buttered rye bread. I HATE rye bread! Gross. Luckily, the crazy that was happening inside the sandwich completely overpowered any rye taste from the bread and it was edible. The kids wouldn't go near it, I ate only half of one, and the hubs chowed down. Go figure.
Things coming down the kitchen pipeline? I've been very in the mood to make borscht again AND I came home with a pho cookbook the other day, which I'd like to try my hand at, AND I've been craving homemade radish kimchi. I need some quiet mornings to get lost in the kitchen but it might be a couple weeks before any of this happens.
Reading:
Hmmm, reading has been a little sporadic but I've managed a couple audiobook adventures. First, I listened to a thirty minute lecture (lecture #39 of 48) on the welfare state that's part of a sub-series called Economic History of the World Since 1400, which is part of a larger series known as The Great Courses. Look it up here if you like and don't ask me how my brain got there. Lol The lecture was called The Welfare State: From Bismarck to Obama, I learned lots, and then went out in search of more info. Perfect outcome!
Currently, I'm listening to a ridiculous book that's been making me laugh out loud in my car...alone. This guy, James Breakwell, wrote a survival book for the zombie apocalypse called Only Dead on the Inside but the twist is that its for parents. He has the sickest sense of humor about kids and parenting and its hilarious! At only about four hours its short, funny, and fun.
Projects:
So I tried to build something; the first in a very long line of things I want to try to build. ;) I got all these boards and have been trying to construct a butcher-block style tabletop for a computer desk.
I'm having a blast, learning a lot, and some things are going great and others, mmm, not so much. Good stuff! Here's a "before" pic. We'll come back to this another day.
Randomness:
I've been going to a pelvic floor specialist for a few weeks and Kegel's have become my life. Pelvic floor PT is a crazy ride!
I watched the most beautiful rain storm the other evening at work. The sun was setting so the sunlight was hitting all the rain drops falling and it had that sound. You know the one. That calm rain sound. It was amazing and I had to stop working just to watch and listen for a bit. I'll show you but it won't do it justice. Still, I'd like to remember it so I'm putting it here.
Oh! I ran into this cool, huge leaf bug (?) and was almost late to work because, of course, I had to take pictures of it and ask it questions. Why am I so weird?! But I'm sorry, it wasn't scared of me and I got REALLY close. I mean, am I not going to talk to it?!!?!? Your face is a point and you look like a leaf...can I pleeeeeeease see what you feel like?? ;)
Music:
I'll leave you with some music. These two have been in heavy rotation the last few days and I've been killing those car concerts! Really digging Jidenna so far.
Yes, its a brag song, of which there are too many, but I like it! First few bars once he gets going are my favorite and I love the video! Killing it!
"Cockroaches and the rat shit
Hand me downs with the patches
Mama put a little money in the mattress
Taught me how to make a silver spoon out of plastic
You can either sink, swim or be the captain
Get the last word I'mma get the last laugh in
Now they say "Jidenna why you dressing so classic?"
I don’t want my best dressed day in a casket
You can either lead, follow or get out the way
Make a fuckin' move it would make my fuckin' day
Got a 100 year plan you jus' think about the today
Always been about time more than been about pay
Can't rump with me
Usain couldn’t run with me
Chief come to find you
You don’t come for me
At best you can run a lil company
N**** at worst, I could run the whole country"
This is the live version of this song but I like the energy better. I get goosebumps every time I hear him yell, "True friends stab you in the front!" Could be taken in different ways. Nice!
Sigh. Its 2am and I'm sitting here thinking, reminiscing on good times and bad, and trying to figure out this little life of mine. I don't have time for this shit.
Paulo Coelho said that, "Tears are words that need to be written."
I'm keeping my feelings to myself tonight so I'm dropping a few tears here instead while the rest of my small world sleeps. Tomorrow is coming regardless though and I must sleep so goodnight and "annyeong" for now.
It's been a minute and I don't remember what I was talking about here so let's start from right now!
Behold, the mailbox project that became ultra-ridiculous is complete and has officially been marked off my list of goals for 2018!!! I had to take this ultra-ridiculous picture to match, complete with vignetting. Numbers are on the other side of course! 😉
I got locked in the parking lot of the elementary school the other morning for a long time. Yes, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who gets myself into these kinds of situations. Lol Here's what happened. I dropped my kid off at the curb in the long line of parents dropping their kids off at the curb in the morning. I then veered into a nearby parking space to have a few minutes of alone time after a hard weekend. Roughly twenty minutes later I come out of my daze, pull out of my space and see that they have closed and locked a gate across the only entrance and exit!! 😯 Let's keep in mind that I was wearing no bra and the shortest shorts I own so I was NOT going into the main office. Long story short, they had to send someone out to unlock the gate just for me and I rode home giggling. SMH
I turned 35! 😊
I deadlifted 260lbs! 😊💪
I killed a houseplant! ☹ I tried everything but couldn't seem to make this spider plant happy. Sorry, plant.
The site where I watch ALL of my Korean shows and movies died! 😯 With only a couple episodes left of the drama I was watching! Currently looking for a good substitute...
I went through a crazy interview to get a bigger, better job and failed. ☹ Booo! It was the first time I've ever been on an interview and didn't get the job. I guess my streak couldn't last forever, right? 😉 I learned some valuable things though and now I know better what to expect.
It's Halloween and that means the kickoff of the holiday season. $$$$$$$$$$$
I started watching an anime! A boy-love one!! 😯 LOL My coworker is very into anime and gave me a big list to choose from to try one out. I said I was down so I get in my bed at night with my laptop and this is how it went. Anime starts; VERY corny opening song and sequence play out where two boys hold hands, run through flowers, exchange teddy bears, etc.; I giggle profusely at how this kind of thing would never fly in this country; seven minutes into the episode one guy is getting sexually assaulted by his tutor...and secretely LIKED IT! My mouth dropped open. LOLOL I guess we get straight to the point! I'm on episode 3 and this is exactly my face every time I watch. So bizarre, entertaining, and I can't stop giggling.
I started reading Fever by Laurie Halse Anderson. I wanted a good outbreak story. Something where people are violently vomiting up their melted insides all over the place and everybody freaks out. Quarantines break loose and general mayhem and destruction follow. You get the idea. This...mmm...isn't really cutting it and I'm bored. Its a teen book so its a little more mellow. I should have known. Its good but not exactly what I was looking for. I wanted something more like The Hot Zone by Richard Preston. Now that was good, gory, suspenseful, and TRUE! 😊 Not sure if I'll finish this one.
Now, I did say I turned 35. Yes, yes I did. For shits and giggles I looked back through my planners and such to see what kind of stuff happened in the last year. So without further ado, here are...
Twenty Things That Happened in My 34th Year of Life:
Walked across the stage and got a masters degree!
Finished a five year long journey through therapy!
Beat Assassins Creed Black Flag and Journey and played Witcher III for 6 months straight!
Completely paid off my undergraduate student loans!
Tried having a cleaning lady and decided it wasn't for me!
Did pull-ups for the first time in my life!
Cooked and tried some Ukrainian food for the first time!
Tubed down a natural spring!
Bought my first professional suit!
Left one job and started another; the one that had my dream job title!
Took two trips to Alabama where I'd never been before and laid out on a tiny island in the bay!
Sat on a committee that planned and executed a big city event!
Got a credit card!
Donated blood for the first time!
Built four planting beds in my garage with my best friend!
Changed the oil in my lawnmower for the first time!
Started drinking and found out I like sweet wine and Tequila!
Got a passport!
Started working two part-time jobs!
Attended a professional conference!
I can't wait to see what year 35 has in store for me!! ❤
Let's have some quotes before I go! Shall we? I'm always running into quotes I like.
"If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together." -African Proverb
"You can't have everything...where would you put it?" -Steven Wright
"You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky
What were some of your favorite moments from the last 12 months of your life?
Bye!!!
FINALLY, my other side is coming out. Got a little too sad for a little too long and I've been waiting. I knew it was coming and its here. All my fucks are flying away, I feel like I'm back on solid ground, I know what I've come from, what I've been through, and who the fuck I am which almost always has me feeling this song!!
Let me travel you down some of the roads of my thoughts today.
I caught myself feeling jealous today. My thoughts angrily ended on, "What a stupid fucking feeling." How to explain...I think it came from first thinking about why I was feeling jealous in the first place which at its most basic level boils down to someone else got something I want. At first it felt sad and pitiful but that whole thing is based on the belief that if the other person hadn't had the thing that it hypothetically could have ended up being mine. Well...I don't think that's the case. Therefore, what a stupid fucking feeling. If the thing would never have been mine regardless of if the other person had it or not...If I was lined up with the other person and 200 others at the right time and the thing STILL wouldn't have ended up being mine then why am I feeling jealous. It was never even an option for me. What a stupid fucking feeling.
Now, if the thing ever hypothetically could have been mine then that changes everything! LOL Then, yes, I could feel jealous and think of what could have been with a smile and a tear and in some weird way it would feel nice. Satisfying that I at least had a fucking hope and a prayer.
Anyway...other than that, if someone has something that I feel jealous of and its in my ability to get it, why be jealous? I can just go get that thing too! Most of the time it turns out that its a matter of a difference in timing and priorities and that's ok. Jealousy gone!
I blasted and sang this twice on the way home tonight. Jealousy: It can be 100% justified and understandable, 100% no good, or any combination in between. Sometimes I love it. Sometimes I hate it. But we're human and so it will be there.
Money was also on my mind today. I gave over 3k of it away towards the bathroom remodel and also went to work. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Money often costs too much." I thought today about what money is costing me right now. I only work part-time but because of the way the schedule is, I barely see my kids during the week. Money is costing me precious time with my kids. Every week they plead with me to see me more. They beg to sleep in my bed. Get out of their beds to greet me when I come home at night and try to cram their whole day into the five minutes before I make them go back to bed since they have school in the morning. They have things they're excited about and waited all day to tell their mom. I have no idea what they're doing in school anymore or what homework is due, or when. I'm completely out of the loop. At some point they'll accept my absence and will no longer plead for that time with mom. They'll lose hope and quit sharing. Money is costing me that and that loss is too great which is one reason I'm trying to get a better job even if its less money per hour. No amount of money could ever buy that time back. Its priceless.
This got me thinking about what else is priceless in life. Definitely nothing materialistic. I mean, my entire house could burn down tomorrow along with everything in it. I would be devastated at the loss. There are pictures and momentos and all my belongings that some of which I could never get back. But what are the most important things that you want to make it out of a fire. Its whatever and/or whoever you love. Insurance would give me money and another house would come and different belongings would eventually feel like mine, too. My oldest kid said something the other day that made me realize he'd learned something REALLY valuable, in my opinion. He said that when he's home alone its nice for awhile but even though its our house, it doesn't feel like our house unless we're all in it together. He said it just feels like "a" house; empty. Not "our" house. I told him that was true and that there is a saying that home is where the heart is. Today I thought, if you've got the people you love by your side and you know they love you back just as much and they'll be there by your side no matter what, whether you live in a mansion, suburbia, an apartment, a box, or wherever, you already have the most important component of a home. Let me ask you this? If you had someone you really, really loved and the feeling was mutual but you were separated from this person all the time. Which do you think would feel more like home? Wherever you are, alone, or being with them wherever they are? Would it matter where that was? No, it would not. You compromise, plan, work hard, play, and make decisions together and you make it the home. Together. It sounds beautiful! Unfortunately, this has not exactly been my experience thus far. Lol Never say never, right?!
What else is priceless? Basically everything inside a person. There is nothing I have within me that someone can take away. No one can take my education away or my life experiences or all the life lessons I've learned along the way. I'll always have each and every memory (that I can remember at least) and each defining or meaningful moment. No one can take away my feelings or times that made me smile, laugh, or cry. No one can take away my intelligence or the way I look at things. All the little quirks that make me who I am. No one can take that away from me. I'm priceless and it has taken almost 35 years and a lot of shit for me to get to the person I am right now. I'm like a rare fucking artifact and I get more priceless and valuable each year! No amount of money could ever be worth more than that. Of course, that's easy for me to say in my cozy, middle-class bed. But you get the point. If I died tomorrow, maybe people would care and maybe they wouldn't but one thing is for sure. I, Aberiah, would be gone. Gone gone! And there would never be another like me. When I think of the people that are most important to me and how priceless they are like that in the same exact way, I get overwhelmed with love and gratitude for the time I get to spend with them. No amount of money made could ever buy something so precious as that time. Money gets me places and allows me to buy the things I want and need but I never want money to "cost" me too much in return.
It true what they say I think:
Life is a great balancing act
The best things in life are free and
You can't take "things" with you when you die
Again, all this is very easy to say from my cozy, middle-class bed. I acknowledge that.
To catch up on books quickly...
I finished the Trump book today. It was a solid read and I would recommend it! You may have to ignore Trump's GIANT ego but I still recommend. I also finished The Bird Box which I would also recommend. The ending was appropriate I think and while it could have been more I think it was smart to keep it short and sweet and to the point. To try to explain things better would have made it a much longer and altogether different book. I looked up his other books and didn't find anything that caught my eye so I'm moving on. I enjoyed that read and I'm always grateful for that!!
In other news, I got flowers today. Flowers... I mean, they really are relative. Who they're from and what they're for makes all the difference in the world. In the end though, I think at the very least, flowers are always a nice gesture and look pretty on the table so I was grateful and that's where they went. That's all I'll say about that here.
Since today seems to be all about quotes for me I'll leave you with a few that hit home for me today.
"If you only do what you know you can do--you never do very much." -Tom Krause
"What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?" - George Eliot
"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again." -Alex Tan
"I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become."
"Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger but they will never be you."
"I am thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn't have stumbled across my strength."
Ran across each of these recently and they stood out. Therefore, they go here for me to read again and again.
I've cried a lot in the last two days. What can I say? I'm having some really shitty feelings at the moment. I know deep down that this only goes two ways. Eventually, I will either get better again or I will die. Nevertheless, I'm taking steps to stay in the "alive" camp.
Cuddle with my dog who seems to love me the most in this world
Exercise even if its takes Herculean effort and tears to put forth a pitiful effort. It still makes endorphins...I think
Do at least one thing on the "to-do" list so there will be a sense of progress and accomplishment no matter how small
Listen to really loud music and sing along
Keep to the regular "routine" of what happens in day-to-day life no matter how badly the desire is to call out of work, quit going to the gym, stop eating, throw away the phone, wither away, and die in my sleep.
Learn all over again how to say "Fuck it" and "Fuck them" and really mean it when there are things that are out of my control no matter what I do and even for the things that are in my control and yet I fail at time and time again
Keep my heart warm and continue to give love no matter how many rejections I may face
Sleep, sleep, and then sleep more.
Cry until it feels numb and then realize that I'm still here. Move on until the next cry
Do things I like no matter how empty or numb it feels doing them. Do the things. (eat, cook, watch kdramas and movies, game, read books, sleep, etc.)
Remember that no matter what I will always at least have myself in this world and I think I'm alright!
I need to sleep now. I'll leave you with a song that has hurt like hell since I was a young girl. I'm sure I'm not the only one. Let's fight to stay alive, shall we? Why? I have no idea. Because its not time yet, that's why. Because maybe someone needs us.
The most important presentation of my life so far is coming up in a couple weeks. I applied for a bigger and better job again and have been called in for an interview/exam/presentation combo which is great! I'd be nervous for that anyway but I really want this job so I'm extra nervous.
Never been through an interview process like this before so its intimidating. The presentation is only 5-10 minutes and I'm sure I'll do fine but its going to be hanging over my head in a major way until its over. The good news is that all this is going down on a Friday morning so once I'm done and walk out of that building, I can relax and do whatever I like the most for the whole weekend.
I think these two things I've just talked about have me feeling kind of stagnant. I think I've put myself on pause until they pass so I feel dull and like I'm not making any progress even though seeing my family and getting a job like this were both on my list of goals for 2018 so I am, in fact, making some progress. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just nervous, ok? Leave me alone! 😉
In book news...
I've finally found a book that's scaring me. Its scaring me so much that I've actually had to throw it down a couple times because I couldn't know what the next sentence was!! I've searched high and low (years!) for a book that could scare me without success so this??...THIS??!?!...makes me happy.
It's called Bird Box and its by a guy named Josh Malerman. I will definitely check out what else this guy's written. Anyway, so far it goes like this. There's something going on in the world. People started seeing something that would make them violently kill others and then themselves. There have been some really epic deaths, too! Once people started figuring out that it was something people were seeing outside, everybody got really paranoid and started blindfolding themselves/barricading themselves into dark houses. (Think The Quite Place movie, except with sight instead of noise) Obviously, a lot of people died. Now, four years later, a mom is going to try to take her kids (who are four and have literally never seen the light of day) 20 miles down the river that's behind their house, blindfolded.... I don't know what's at the end of her journey yet or what the "things" are that people are seeing. The fact that they know these things are out there with them coupled with only being able to hear/feel things is making it REALLY scary. The unknown is almost always scarier than the known. It better not be zombies and it better not be a bird. Lol.
Wanna know what is so awesome though?! While I was writing this paragraph, I found out that its been made into a movie that releases in December of this year!!!
That's enough for now because its almost gym time. Keep your head down and keep grinding!
