Focus on the good

What a week of good and shit. High's and low's. Good memories made and bad ones as well. I'm rested but exhausted, thinking about my goals as always yet feel like giving up on everything at the same time. I'm full of appreciation, gratitude, and love but have meanness and anger inside as well. I'm stuffed full of good and bad.

Sigh. Let's talk about some good things...

• The garden's been planted and seeds are sprouting everywhere. One of the things I'm looking forward to today is going out there to thin them out a little. I just wanna be quiet with my thoughts and away from everyone. I'll put what I planted so far here because I'm already starting to forget.
• Beets
• Broccoli
• Brussel Sprouts
• Carrots
• Celery
• Collards
• Chinese Cabbage
• Kale
• All kinds of herbs to help those
• I bought my first bottle of liquor specifically for taking shots and am on the hunt for a shot glass to call my own. Between the wine and this, I've gained some confidence that I can have those kinds things in the house without abusing them. Doesn't mean I don't think about it and there's also some memories that swirl around sometimes that include the alcoholic stepdad I grew up with. Those cause some conflicting and sometimes confusing feelings but overall, I think I'm ok.
• A new thing happened. Nothing from the bucket list though. I went to a driving range here. Technically, this isn't a new thing for me. I vaguely remember going to the driving range with people in high school where I grew up. However, that was a long time ago and nothing like what I did this week. Back then, they gave us a big bucket of balls and some clubs and we went out and hit balls on a flat surface. Here, I was on the third story I think, my balls come out of a machine, everything's timed, super expensive, and there are computerized games tracking everything you hit. Weird. Still, I will go back alone.
• I made the varenyky. Never tasted anything like it before but it was very yummy. First times are first times though and there's always room for improvement so I'll try to do better next time.
• I made the appointment to have my passport photo taken, turn in all the paperwork, and pay. Will be the final step and then I just have to wait for it to come in. I know I'll be itching to leave the country once I get it even though the timing's not right yet. Maybe I can find somewhere close to go sometime. Some deal I find on a travel website for wherever and I just see what there is to see, wherever it is. I think its the "going" part and the "doing" part that's important for me.
• A new pair of army green Lulu gym leggings are on their way to me. New workout clothes feel good. I tend to sweat a lot though so hopefully that won't show too much in the lighter color. Its one of the main reasons I don't wear color leggings.
• It'll be fall this month and I think I'm catching the fall bug. I had the heater on in my car on the way home from the gym last night and wore sweats to bed. My birthday's coming and they've put the Halloween stuff out in the stores. I have baking on my mind, lots of pumpkin and sweet potato muffins, pancakes, breads, pies, etc. I miss wearing boots and big sweaters.

We can talk about books a little. Books are good.
I told you last time that I checked out a ton of them to choose from. Well, I had some really random stuff in there; authors I don't read, genres I don't usually like, new books I've never heard of. I guess I still needed some switching up. Anyway, I settled on a mystery, J.D. Robb's Obsession in Death. I think I've mentioned here that I don't like mysteries but there was a time when I was forced to read some for a school assignment. I had picked up a J.D. Robb one for that and it was the only one that was alright. Here's why. In mystery books, you as the reader are trying to figure out "who did it". That's why mystery books are sometimes called "Whodunit's". I hate that for some reason. Haaaate it! J.D. Robb, however, goes backwards. The murder happens at the beginning and the reader is the first to know, hear the murderer's thoughts, and all that. The rest of the book is watching the characters figure it out, not me. It apparently makes all the difference for my mind. The book's holding my attention but I'm still looking for that next really great book that blows my mind. Those don't happen as often.

I started an audio book on a whim called The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance---What Women Should Know by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman. I had no idea what I'd find going in but I'm halfway through it at this point. Maybe more on this later.

I also ran into this book at work that excited me and seemed perfect but its turning out to be a dud unfortunately. What I was hoping for was an unbiased general history of how this pink/blue thing got started. Maybe that's there but the book is written for academics and reads like an extremely long research paper. I feel like I'm reading someone's lit review on the topic. I've been out of school less than a year and have no desire to read anything even remotely resembling a peer-reviewed journal article yet. I'll probably take this back soon. Boo. Here's Pink and Blue: Telling the Boys from the Girls in America by Jo B. Paoletti.

This has worn me out so I'm gonna take a quick nap. I'll probably come back and edit a few things later. Bye!