Games we lose (Journal from sometime in late July)

Do you ever play games in life that you can't win? Games that in fact you are playing all by yourself? You realize and know you can't win and yet you keep playing because you're competitive and what you're playing for is something big to you and maybe you've been yearning for it your whole life and maybe you can't even quite pinpoint what exactly it is, and yet...you won't win it and in truth it probably doesn't even exist. Hmm. Well...I don't know for sure but I think we've all played games like that in our own way.

Just for today, I gave up in my mind. I threw in the towel. I tapped out. I wanted off the train. Just for today, I accepted my complete and utter failure and defeat. I've been beaten and bested. I lose. I'ts exhausting and not who I am or want to be, its demeaning and in my opinion unattractive, I'm emotionally burned out from trying and continually coming up short, I feel defeated and like I've lost my spark, I'm depressed and trying my hardest to be stay on top of and confront some demons like shame, self-esteem, body image issues, confidence, self-worth, and feeling worthy of love that were there in smaller amounts before but are growing with each victory awarded to the other team, who I remind you is not even there, or playing.

Thinking about this today reminded me of that very important book I will always own and come back to, Oh, the Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss. I had to give it a read this evening. There are parts in there that remind me that I always have options...

"You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself 

any direction you choose.

You're on your own. And you know what you know.

And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go."

There are parts in there that remind me that of course I'll lose sometimes, probably a lot! But that everyone else does, too.

"Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.

Because, sometimes, you won't."

There is this part...

"I'm afraid that some times

you'll play lonely games too.

Games you can't win

'cause you'll play against you."

That, folks, is what I'm playing. A lonely, damaging game, that I'm playing against myself. Sigh.

Finally, there is the part that's broken my heart since I was a girl but always reminds me that no matter what happens to me in life, the days will keep coming and I'll keep breathing until they won't and I don't.

"All Alone!

Whether you like it or not,

Alone will be something

you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance

you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,

that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go

though the weather be foul.

On you will go

though your enemies prowl.

On you will go

though the Hakken-Kraks howl.

Onward up many

a frightening creek,

though your arms may get sore

and your sneakers may leak."

I'm trying and I'm doing my best. I believe each of us is responsible for our own happiness and this game I'm playing? I'm trying to look at it as an opportunity to sit back and see these ugly parts of me at work and do my best to make a positive difference. 

I'll leave you...but not without the reassurance (really for myself lol) that tomorrow is another day and difficult feelings never last forever. Hasta luego!