Focus on the good

What a week of good and shit. High's and low's. Good memories made and bad ones as well. I'm rested but exhausted, thinking about my goals as always yet feel like giving up on everything at the same time. I'm full of appreciation, gratitude, and love but have meanness and anger inside as well. I'm stuffed full of good and bad.

Sigh. Let's talk about some good things...

• The garden's been planted and seeds are sprouting everywhere. One of the things I'm looking forward to today is going out there to thin them out a little. I just wanna be quiet with my thoughts and away from everyone. I'll put what I planted so far here because I'm already starting to forget.
• Beets
• Broccoli
• Brussel Sprouts
• Carrots
• Celery
• Collards
• Chinese Cabbage
• Kale
• All kinds of herbs to help those
• I bought my first bottle of liquor specifically for taking shots and am on the hunt for a shot glass to call my own. Between the wine and this, I've gained some confidence that I can have those kinds things in the house without abusing them. Doesn't mean I don't think about it and there's also some memories that swirl around sometimes that include the alcoholic stepdad I grew up with. Those cause some conflicting and sometimes confusing feelings but overall, I think I'm ok.
• A new thing happened. Nothing from the bucket list though. I went to a driving range here. Technically, this isn't a new thing for me. I vaguely remember going to the driving range with people in high school where I grew up. However, that was a long time ago and nothing like what I did this week. Back then, they gave us a big bucket of balls and some clubs and we went out and hit balls on a flat surface. Here, I was on the third story I think, my balls come out of a machine, everything's timed, super expensive, and there are computerized games tracking everything you hit. Weird. Still, I will go back alone.
• I made the varenyky. Never tasted anything like it before but it was very yummy. First times are first times though and there's always room for improvement so I'll try to do better next time.
• I made the appointment to have my passport photo taken, turn in all the paperwork, and pay. Will be the final step and then I just have to wait for it to come in. I know I'll be itching to leave the country once I get it even though the timing's not right yet. Maybe I can find somewhere close to go sometime. Some deal I find on a travel website for wherever and I just see what there is to see, wherever it is. I think its the "going" part and the "doing" part that's important for me.
• A new pair of army green Lulu gym leggings are on their way to me. New workout clothes feel good. I tend to sweat a lot though so hopefully that won't show too much in the lighter color. Its one of the main reasons I don't wear color leggings.
• It'll be fall this month and I think I'm catching the fall bug. I had the heater on in my car on the way home from the gym last night and wore sweats to bed. My birthday's coming and they've put the Halloween stuff out in the stores. I have baking on my mind, lots of pumpkin and sweet potato muffins, pancakes, breads, pies, etc. I miss wearing boots and big sweaters.

We can talk about books a little. Books are good.
I told you last time that I checked out a ton of them to choose from. Well, I had some really random stuff in there; authors I don't read, genres I don't usually like, new books I've never heard of. I guess I still needed some switching up. Anyway, I settled on a mystery, J.D. Robb's Obsession in Death. I think I've mentioned here that I don't like mysteries but there was a time when I was forced to read some for a school assignment. I had picked up a J.D. Robb one for that and it was the only one that was alright. Here's why. In mystery books, you as the reader are trying to figure out "who did it". That's why mystery books are sometimes called "Whodunit's". I hate that for some reason. Haaaate it! J.D. Robb, however, goes backwards. The murder happens at the beginning and the reader is the first to know, hear the murderer's thoughts, and all that. The rest of the book is watching the characters figure it out, not me. It apparently makes all the difference for my mind. The book's holding my attention but I'm still looking for that next really great book that blows my mind. Those don't happen as often.

I started an audio book on a whim called The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance---What Women Should Know by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman. I had no idea what I'd find going in but I'm halfway through it at this point. Maybe more on this later.

I also ran into this book at work that excited me and seemed perfect but its turning out to be a dud unfortunately. What I was hoping for was an unbiased general history of how this pink/blue thing got started. Maybe that's there but the book is written for academics and reads like an extremely long research paper. I feel like I'm reading someone's lit review on the topic. I've been out of school less than a year and have no desire to read anything even remotely resembling a peer-reviewed journal article yet. I'll probably take this back soon. Boo. Here's Pink and Blue: Telling the Boys from the Girls in America by Jo B. Paoletti.

This has worn me out so I'm gonna take a quick nap. I'll probably come back and edit a few things later. Bye!

Games we lose (Journal from sometime in late July)

Do you ever play games in life that you can't win? Games that in fact you are playing all by yourself? You realize and know you can't win and yet you keep playing because you're competitive and what you're playing for is something big to you and maybe you've been yearning for it your whole life and maybe you can't even quite pinpoint what exactly it is, and yet...you won't win it and in truth it probably doesn't even exist. Hmm. Well...I don't know for sure but I think we've all played games like that in our own way.

Just for today, I gave up in my mind. I threw in the towel. I tapped out. I wanted off the train. Just for today, I accepted my complete and utter failure and defeat. I've been beaten and bested. I lose. I'ts exhausting and not who I am or want to be, its demeaning and in my opinion unattractive, I'm emotionally burned out from trying and continually coming up short, I feel defeated and like I've lost my spark, I'm depressed and trying my hardest to be stay on top of and confront some demons like shame, self-esteem, body image issues, confidence, self-worth, and feeling worthy of love that were there in smaller amounts before but are growing with each victory awarded to the other team, who I remind you is not even there, or playing.

Thinking about this today reminded me of that very important book I will always own and come back to, Oh, the Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss. I had to give it a read this evening. There are parts in there that remind me that I always have options...

"You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself 

any direction you choose.

You're on your own. And you know what you know.

And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go."

There are parts in there that remind me that of course I'll lose sometimes, probably a lot! But that everyone else does, too.

"Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.

Because, sometimes, you won't."

There is this part...

"I'm afraid that some times

you'll play lonely games too.

Games you can't win

'cause you'll play against you."

That, folks, is what I'm playing. A lonely, damaging game, that I'm playing against myself. Sigh.

Finally, there is the part that's broken my heart since I was a girl but always reminds me that no matter what happens to me in life, the days will keep coming and I'll keep breathing until they won't and I don't.

"All Alone!

Whether you like it or not,

Alone will be something

you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance

you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,

that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go

though the weather be foul.

On you will go

though your enemies prowl.

On you will go

though the Hakken-Kraks howl.

Onward up many

a frightening creek,

though your arms may get sore

and your sneakers may leak."

I'm trying and I'm doing my best. I believe each of us is responsible for our own happiness and this game I'm playing? I'm trying to look at it as an opportunity to sit back and see these ugly parts of me at work and do my best to make a positive difference. 

I'll leave you...but not without the reassurance (really for myself lol) that tomorrow is another day and difficult feelings never last forever. Hasta luego!

A lazy Sunday

It's a Sunday and nap-time is imminent. The most productive thing that's happened all day is the purchase of seeds for the garden and a new houseplant. By far, the greatest things that have happened today are the completion of The Namesake which I've been struggling through since July and my son learning how to make homemade mashed potatoes. If I'm smart, I'll teach him how to make my favorite soups and then pay him to make them for me whenever I'm sick. Haha!

Things I see looming in the near future:

• painting at least half the living room and trim (I'm toying with the idea of tackling this one this week)
• making my first trip to IKEA (seeking a simple, clean, and more streamlined table to replace a bulky computer desk and will support two desktop computers and two chairs) What's pictured below is, I'm sure, what my two children think I'm creating for them; their gamer's paradise. Hahaha...probably not quite...

• Choosing and ordering a new computer for said table
• Updating the old resume and all that...again. Plus I'm going to have to suck it up and create a CV for myself, as pathetic as it will make me feel. (Not excited about this but it only helps me in the end if its done)
• Trying my hand at blueberry varenyky which start out something like this apparently (Not many ways that could go bad!)

• There may be an opportunity to attend a professional conference in September where I'll be given free shoes and be able to apply for a scholarship to attend an even bigger professional conference next year (Win/Win!!)
• one new pair of bottoms for the gym (currently stalking Lulu's, Gymshark, and FLEO)
• a completed mailbox installation (GEEZ!!)
• the creation of this requested birthday cake for my spouse (Butter Pecan Ice Cream Cake)

Sigh...The end of the year is looming as well as my birthday and two trips to see family and I feel a little sad every time I think of all that. Time is passing and I don't know what's coming next which is beautiful and terrifying at the same time. Oh well. This is life. :)

I've checked out eleven print books in the last week and even though I'm still in the middle of an audio book and an eBook, I'm off to choose a new one to read out of the group and plant my little baby seeds in the earth.

I'll leave you with a song as usual. This old favorite of mine came through Pandora the other day, got put on repeat, and fueled an entire workout, nice and steady.



Laters!!

On hold and cooking

Nothing much to say here right now. Most bucket list items are on hold because I'm letting the money rebuild itself a little from the whirlwind that was back to school. Got to keep it tight you know! :) Also, if you're wondering where all the grilled cheeses have been, I'll tell you. We got sick of crazy grilled cheeses and are taking a break.
Hmm, what else...
I scored three free cookbooks yesterday and its a good thing because I've been more and more in the mood to have a giant cooking spree. I think today might be the day and it'll only help me out during the week if my family already has stuff to eat. In my mind I'm yearning to make...

• my mom's enchiladas
• scalloped potatoes Edit: Decided on this cheesy broccoli rice instead and done!
  
• a cucumber/tomato salad. Edit: Done and marinating!
  
• all the grilled meats!!
• some really filling baked mac n' cheese OR
• a cheesey beef n' mac skillet. Edit: Done and behold the naughty cheesiness!!
  
• a ton of some kind of quinoa mixture. Edit: Done and marinating and for shits and giggles I whipped up another concoction with barley!
  

I'll be choosing something or a few somethings from this list to make today along with the rest of my food prep for the week. Edit: Chicken thighs and two big pots of rice done!

Edit: Also, this happened! My oldest wanted a cake today all for himself. I challenged him to make his own...so he did! It was his first try at a cake, was the cutest thing watching him bake, it looks adorably insane, and in the end he decided to share with everyone. Awwwww and done!!

Random and/or new things I did recently:

• Took my lunch hour at the beach one day and read a book in a comfy lounge chair under a big umbrella. Amazing but it got a little warm not being able to get in the water. I think I got it out of my system.
  
  
• Explored a Peterbrooke Chocolatier store. I ate some once with my cousin years ago and it had a lasting impression. I ran across the store, went in to explore, and discovered that the stuff is mega-expensive and everything was packaged to be given as gifts. Interesting enough and now I know but I didn't buy anything.
• Started reading a "dragon-shifter romance" book; a first for me! It's pretty shallow but really hot in some parts and was exactly the deviation I needed in my world of books.
  
• Did a little boxing for cardio in the gym. This was something totally new and of course super fun!
• Took a couple naps in my car. I've discovered that this method of sleeping will produce the most ridiculous version of myself possible (which I find humorous as long as no one else sees). As in, head back, mouth waaaaaay open, and/or crease marks all over my face. I'm so tired lately, I can reach REM state in in under two minutes!

Its my one day off for the week so I'm off to enjoy it but I'll leave you with my newest jam for the week. Afro B- Drogba (Joanna)

I'll be back another day!

Beginnings and endings

Today was the first day back to school for my littles! It was an exhausting but successful morning and I'm proud of us all for getting through it. Honestly, having one enter middle school today was harder than when he went off to Kindergarten for the first time. Either that or time has softened any hard emotional memories of that time. May my boys have a good year...

Word came down the pipeline today from two of the South Korean bases I contacted about care packages! I've an address now and a list of things that have been requested and/or are popular. The list includes travel sized:

• toothpaste & toothbrushes
• razors
• nailclippers
• deodorant
• hand sanitizer
• body wash & lotion
• non-perishable snacks
• candy items (NOT chocolate)

I also learned which were the best boxes/sizes to send and found these and other helpful info on the USPS website here. It looks like I can fill out the customs form online which is convenient, boxes are free, and will only be charged as domestic shipping for any APO address which I have. I'm wary though. lol I feel like they're going to really get me good when it comes time to ship! $$ Will try to pick up a couple boxes tomorrow and will fill them little by little. Feels good and will be fun!

The mailbox post is officially painted and dry. A couple quick YouTube videos today showed me that I need another small piece of wood to attach the actual mailbox to said post. (Booooo! I thought I had everything!!!) At least another step in the right direction's been made.

As for books, I finally let the Breasts book go. I skimmed through the last couple chapters that had initially interested me but there was a lot of cancer talk and less of what I was looking for. It was time to move on and let someone else read all about the boobies.

Yes, Please also came to an end today. I liked it, a lot, and would give it a solid 4.5/5 stars! She made me giggle, think, feel better, gain insight, relate to her in some ways, and more. Well done, Amy!

Still going here. It was a day for beginnings and ends. Lol I finished Strong is the New Pretty. I have strong doubts that the quotes in the books actually match up with each girl as they're laid out. Plus, I noticed a few of the girls and/or groups are photographed a couple times and not sure if the names match. I'm also pretty sure such profound statements, as were occasionally encountered, aren't coming out of most girls under the age of 10. Nevertheless, as I mentioned in my last post, what matters more to me were the messages I needed to hear of which there were many and I loved all the images.

That's enough for now but I'll leave you with a quote from the Bible I ran into today that hit the good spot!

"though the mountain may crumble, you will not..." -Isaiah 54:10

I have NOOOO idea if this is accurate and am too tired to fact check myself at the moment. The point is, it helped me today. So there!!!

Books, books, and more books!

Hmmm, let's see, let's see, let's see...

We'll start at the beach. I had an opportunity to go to the beach by myself the other day and took it!
Did it cost me a little money? Yes.
Did it cost me a little time? Yes.
Did I feel the "mom guilt"? Yes.
Was it mind blowing and worth every second? Yes!

I haven't laid out on a beach and soaked in the sun by myself in over a decade. On that day, I took one hour of the day to do just that. I was just another girl on the beach and it was surreal. I read a chapter in a good book, ate a big juicy apple, listened to the waves, watched sea gulls and jumping fish, thought about the lives of the people who are always walking by on a beach, floated in the waves, watched big fluffy clouds collide, and napped a little. Then, I packed up and went home as if nothing had taken place. I'm still carrying it with me though. Its a good memory and it reminded me that life doesn't always deal out bad things like flat tires and broken appliances. Sometimes life gives us random good things, too!

I'm working on a new bucket list item which is to send a care package to a soldier. The USO website gives some directions on how to do this here. Today, I sent emails to all six of the listed bases in South Korea. Why South Korea? Because it's my beloved land of all things KPop, KDrama, and Korean food of course!!! ;) More on this when I hear back from one of them.

As for books, I went a little crazy as of late. I do recall saying I was getting antsy. ;) I've checked-out no less than twenty-five books from the library in the past three days and have my eyes on a few others. I'll share some of my randomness.
First, I found myself deep in the stacks looking through some amazing photography books. I was totally lost in Jonathan M. Singer's Botanica Magnifica so what did I do? I checked it out and brought it home with me because all library books need love and we love them by checking them out! :)
Here's the cover and a peek of  the images inside.

This book is huge by the way, maybe two feet tall. I told my coworkers if a guy ever got me flowers that looked like anything in this book, I might be too scared to touch or smell them, but he would get 10,000 bonus points for originality!!

I picked up this book that crossed my path and have been dabbling in it a little. Haven't spent too much time in here yet.

I can't remember how I ran into this next one but I went through a third of it today and had to work pretty hard not to drop a tear. 

Whatever it may or may not be, there are some messages in this book that I've needed to hear lately. Love, love, love.

I'm feeling something super smutty and ridiculous coming soon so stay tuned! My reading has been way too serious lately. I'm off to eat but I'll leave you with a Kpop song I love in honor of my South Korean care package mission. :) 

Until next time!!!

Blaaaaah I don't have a title blaaaaaaaahhh

I found the freaking mailbox post I wanted after four different attempts at multiple stores. It took weeks! What is this? Mailbox season?! Gaze upon my prize...

Weird story about it...As I'm checking out at Lowe's with my giant 6' tall mailbox post in the cart along with a shiny new black mailbox, the woman running the transaction first asks me if it was mine or theirs.

I paused LOL and then explained that the post was theirs (Lowe's) and I would like to buy it. She then asks me if its a cross...

Another pause...Do they sell giant crosses at Lowe's? I wasn't sure how to respond at this point but I went with it and told her nope, it wasn't a cross. I guess that cleared everything up for her because I was out the door in no time with no other strange questions. It made me laugh and I wanted to hug her later for being so odd. Well, maybe not hug, but something. My kid's going to paint the post for me so more on this later.

I finally got myself to the movie theater again and caught TAG. So ridiculous lol. Next up will be a Bollywood which show here at one theater on Sundays. I haven't been able to go to one in over a year now I think. Miss them!

Also knocked something off the ole' bucket list!! I wanted to tube somewhere in Florida so I set up an excursion to Itchetucknee Springs and did the thing!

It was amazeballs and my oldest and I loved every second of it. My spouse? Not so much. Though he said later that he had a good enough time, I laughed so hard at one point during the experience because his face was soooo concerned. He looked concerned when he saw the sign that said there were alligators. He looked at all vegetation and wildlife with concern. Every time we floated close to the edge of the spring he got concerned and when we saw a snake there was a lot of concern. LOL My youngest was the same though maybe not yet as extreme. Oh well. Different strokes for different folks! Would definitely like to go again but maybe alone this time so I can relax a bit more and enjoy nature.

Still reading the same books but I'm getting antsy. The Breasts book pissed me off by telling me that breasts don't fully develop until they've gone through a complete pregnancy and that somehow this process theoretically may help reduce our risk of breast cancer later. Also, that after growing to mammoth sizes, when breastfeeding is over, something like 80%(?) of breast tissue just...disappears!! First of all, that's great, really great...NOT. Second, (as I look down at my chest) so this is fully developed breasts? PASS!!! The book has been cast aside in disgust for the moment. Lol.

Too tired to go on! Now, get out of my face. I'm going to bed.