unedited morning journaling

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So today I took Derek to his 4 month old well-baby check up appointment.  Can't believe he is 4 months now and I'm ecstatic about it.  Just think, within the next couple of months he will be crawling and eating food!  Oh ya, and we are officially 1/3 of the way through the first year.  I'm not a baby person so I don't enjoy the first year much.  I am more of a toddler gal. Taison is doing a lot better with the whole Derek situation now.  I think we are out of the worst now and he seems to really dig him more every day.  Rice won us a free laptop by accident and it came yesterday!  It is what I am using to write this on right now.  We're going to share this one and I can use it at school if I need to.  Exciting!!  I am slowly getting back to my self again.  I think I will get there a lot faster this time around.  With Taison I didn't even start doing any "Abby" activities until Taison was a little over a year old.  The one thing that is not going so well is the weight loss as I have been 185 for a month now.  BUT, I can't really blame anyone but myself because I haven't been eating consistently well yet.  I also have not been drinking enough water.  Soooo, what can I do to alleviate this little issue?  I need a new water bottle...and maybe a chart of some sort on the fridge to keep me motivated for awhile.  As far as eating, well, I need a meal plan basically.  Before I do that though I need to figure out how many calories I need right now.  Always fun to guess at this number when your breastfeeding.  I've also been doing a little work on my time management.  I have been keeping tabs on my activities and as it turns out I DO in fact have time for everything I want to do.  I just don't have seemingly endless blocks of open free time like I did before Taison and Derek came into the picture.  What I'm trying to say is that I can do it all, but just in small increments during each day.  The one thing I haven't picked back up yet is sewing.  I could easily do one step a day on a garment and finish it in a week or two, I'm just trying to decided if the payoff is good enough giving that I am losing weight and won't be able to wear it for long. 

Okay what do I want to get done soon...
-pluck eyebrows
-finish and put up trash bag Halloween decorations
-do a run/walk
-do a 10 min. stretch
-do some light strength training
-cook dinner
-do a couple of 20 min cleaning blocks
-find and purchase Derek a Gator's shirt
-shave
-FINISH MY RECERT for NASM!!!
-Call UNF and make sure I am ready to go for spring registration

These are those moments when I look at my list and realize that if I didn't have small children I could easily get all of this accomplished in one day.  Buuuuuuut, I don't.  My reality is that my little one just got shots today so he will probably have a low grade fever today, tonight, and maybe some of tomorrow and my little toddler wants to do what he wants when he wants which pretty much is playing outside ALL day.

I think that concludes my random thoughts of the morning so far.  Peace out and see you next time.

the life of one stay-at-home-mom...

My time management needs some work.  There, ahhhhh, that first step is always the hardest right? 

So...what am I going to do about this little issue?  I have vowed to write down all of my activities for a week so I can see where I can be more efficient and plan accordingly.  Yesterday was my first day and as I looked back on my day I giggled.  Instead of doing anything in large blocks of time which is what I thought I was doing, my day was a LONG list of 15 minutes activities for the most part.  I thought it would be fun to write everything I did here and preserve a day in my life as a stay-at-home-mom with a toddler and infant.  So here it goes...

Woke up by kids at 9am

hang out with kids...

make everyone breakfast, eat, put away clean dishes, change diapers...

hang out with kids...

kid's baths...

rock baby to sleep...

hold/nurse sleeping baby while watching latest episode of Vampire Diaries and start a new movie...

make Derek's 4 month old well-baby checkup appointment...

hang out with Rice and kids...

pay bills...

put Derek to sleep...

stretching...

work on/plan finances...

facebook...

hold both kids...

hang out with Rice and kids...

laundry...

make everyone lunch, eat...

feed Derek...

hang out with kids...

groom myself (ie. shower, brush teeth, etc.)...

more laundry...

hang out with only Taison...

planning/reviewing goals...

outdoor cardio with both kids in tow...

more laundry and cleaning...

Make everyone dinner, eat...

more planning/appointment making...

email...

try to learn about selling on EBay/hang out with Taison...

put Taison to sleep...

EBay learning again/work on my first listing...

watch another part of movie...

1:30am  BEDTIME!!

While this is not every single thing I did yesterday (extreme multi-tasking is a mom must) it sums up the major stuff pretty well.  What can I look forward to tomorrow?  Pretty much the same thing, with different to-do's/errands.  And so on and so forth.


I have a little over three more years of being a stay-at-home-mom/student left and while the kids and I absolutely love it, sometimes it leaves me feeling like this...

NIN-Everyday Is Exactly The Same

: )  What are your days like?

100 posts strong!

I've had this blog for three years now and I just hit my first 100 posts milestone.  Thank you blog for always being there for me.  Thank you blog community for being who you are but more importantly who you're not.

A journal prompt...

from Dave Ellis's Becoming a Master Student.

What I want from my education is...

Options, self discovery, and self-actualization.  An education is something that no one can take away from me.  It opens my mind and therefore the world up to me and the knowledge I gain gives me power.  It opens up career opportunities that I would not be privy to without it.

When I complete my education I want to be able to...

Make a comfortable living for myself and my family and be happy doing it. 


I also want...
My children to see me finish something and set a good example for them of commitment, integrity, determination and accomplishment.  I want to equal my husband in education.  I want to be as self-reliant and independent as I choose.  I want to make sure that should I decide to further my education, I will be in a  position to do so.

workout blahness...

So I used my workout today to attempt to exercise a few demons. 32 minutes of trying to ride as fast as I can hoping that I can leave some of this shit behind me. This is often what ends up happening during my workouts where I am alone and have access to my music. Anyway, it never works but it does help to feed my anger which in turn feels good to me (think strong, empowerment, control) and helps me kick my workouts up a notch which is usually a good thing. Well, I am still supposed to be taking it easy with my workouts and I did not today which in turn left me with getting off of my bike with a limp (went away after a few minutes though).

My playlist for today was...on repeat
Eminem-Beautiful

Eminem-I Think My Dad's Gone Crazy

Incubus-Pistola

My last thought for this post is that this was the first time I have worked out "by myself" since the baby was born 7 weeks ago and I needed that shit! Good shit! :)

SUPER grammerless rambling straight from brain to keyboard (no filter) about my mother

Okay these are literally thoughts with no filter so excuse misused/mispelled words and gross grammar.

So today I had an epiphany. I hate my mother and don't want to be like her at all but people tell me a lot that I am just like my mother, both in mannerisms and character. Generally, I try to do the opposite of what she would like it is always in the back of my mind...what would she do, okay I will do the opposite.This brings me to what I was pondering this evening. Right now I am a stay at home mom(so was she) and I have a hard time imagining myself in any 9to 5 career. I just can't figure out what the hell to do with my life without wanting to off myself on the interstate on the way to work every day. I have thought librarian, therapist, writer? What? I have learned about myself that I need a lot of alone time for intro/retrospection. I kind of stay inside my own head most of the time just thinking about things. Well, I feel like because I feel this way (about not doing the career thing) that I am being like her and shunning the outside world. Which makes me crazy because normally I would do the opposite but I know that would make me unhappy. So I feel like I am one step closer to becoming my mother which is one of the worst things in my mind that I could become or be like. It is suffocating being her daughter. Obviously I can't get away from her DNA and whether I like it or not I have it in my genetic makeup. So,I will be like her in ways whether I like it or not. A thought that I would have rather never been born than to recreate her in any way. Anyway, this all led me to think that lots of people don't do 9 to 5 jobs and probably feel the same way that I do and that doesn't mean they are becoming my mother so why should I feel that way. Ugh, I had all this clear and in order in my head not 30 minutes ago and I was begging myself not to lose it and now it is gone. I can't remember how it all went together. Basically, I can do whatever I want and it doesn't matter because this is just something I will deal with for the rest of my life. I can see myself worrying about if I being like her as an old lady. The bigger picture being that every single person on this planet is dealing with little idiosyncrasies such as this in their lives and that is just one of the things that comes with my little person package.Well, anyway here is something else I have just realized. I hate my mother not only for the way she was but for the things that she indirectly took from me during my time with her. Things that I can never get back. I am still so bitter and I know it is not good for me, or rather, have been told that hundreds of times, but as of right now I don't know if that will ever go away. I often wonder what I will feel when she dies. Will I have regret? Will I feel free of her? Will I be happy? Will I be sad? I hate that I am bitter and resentful due to other's actions. I hate that I let them affect me this way. Well, there are too many new things popping up in this noggin of mine and I can only type one sentence at a time. I may be back later, maybe not.

news but no news

Well, this is the belly at 37 weeks. I have not forgotten you blog, I'm just desperately trying to keep my depression above water a.k.a. no delving into my deep feelings and writing about them. Other than that I have done a TON of cooking but am too tired to post about any of it and I haven't touched sewing for months. I am looking forward to it though once I start losing ALL this WEIGHT!! That's all for now. Next time we meet I may have a pic of my new little one to share. Happy blogging!