Our haiku

Plants in the water
Emerald ethnicity
Tranquility flows

I was reading poetry in one of my old college literature books and stumbled into the haiku section. I love haikus!! Rice and I wrote this haiku about the plant-life in our aquarium.

On the need for self-esteem...

"Self-esteem is a protective shield designed to control the potential for terror that results from awareness of the horrifying possibility that we humans are merely transient animals groping to survive in a meaningless universe, designed only to die and decay. From this perspective, each individual human's name and identity, family and social identifications, goals and aspiration, occupation and title, and humanly created adornments are draped over an animal that, in the cosmic scheme of things, may be no more significant or enduring than any individual potato, pineapple, or porcupine (Pyszczynski et al., 2003)."

I agree with this but where does that leave me? Does this mean that my self-esteem is low? In this context I would say no. If I already believe that I am totally insignificant in the grand scheme of things then do I need my protective shield? I think...that I think...that I definitely do need it because my fellow social creatures(humans) are most definitely something I need to protect my emotional well-being from.

I have realized that when I compare myself to what I believe is "the rest of the world"I have a very positive self-image. It is only when I compare myself to people in my close social network that my self-esteem plummets and bursts into flames. I haven't quite figured that out yet but I am working on it.


Your thoughts??

Field (journal from 7-4-09 )

I'm standing,
Looking out over an endless field
Rolling hills, sprinkled with flowers and lulling grasses, endless sunshine.
I'm standing,
Separated from the field by a white fence stretching as far as the eye can see in both directions. How to get to the other side of the fence?--how ironic.
How to get into that field?
It looks so nice I am almost drunk with the sight of it.
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I'm teetering on the edge of this abyss.
Catching flashes of a different life, where the only difference is my perception.
I can't seem to catch it in my hands.
It flirts with me--ever slipping through my fingers.
Only leaving me with slight momentary solitude.

Was listening to a little Norah Jones
Norah Jones-Come Away With Me

My blues (journal from 7-4-09)

Being seduced by the voice of John Lee Hooker
Sexy, Cool, Lazy, Deep.
The blues-
dark, yearning, sexy, high heels and shadow, mystery-
reaching it's slow, spiny fingers down into the soul to tickle the hard times.
Whiskey, 5 o'clock shadows, Guitar, Understanding.
Takes me to another space.
Gives me wings,
if only for spiraling downward,
I may glide smooth and lazily in wide arcing circles,
down into the depths of my soul.
My inner yearning and pain,
the ebb and flow of my existence.

and the song of the day is...



I'm working on a new skirt today among other things. LATA!!

Journal entry 5-21-09

Again with the before class thing...

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I made a therapy appointment yesterday. 22 days and I will be sitting on a therapist's couch...again. How surreal. I have so many emotions coursing through me at the same time. Mostly I have been feeling grief. I have felt as though I have been mourning for over a month now. Like someone died. Maybe another piece of me died or maybe its something that is in my mind that i am not particularly aware of. I just feel like I am experiencing loss. Occasionally I feel a fighting spirit, like I'm not going to be taken down...but...what am I fighting for...or against. I'm having trouble going to school. I hate being around people. I hate how I just automatically fall into it. I can't just be myself, silent, mourning, self loathing. They don't deserve that. They didn't do anything.
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I had not been to therapy in over two years so this was a HUGE step for me. I have since had three sessions and I am so glad that I made the decision to go back.

Journal entry 5-19-09

Okay got to class early again and was alone again...

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I had another emotionally charged drive this morning to school. I was...hypervigilant, as my therapist called it. I felt dangerous when I was like that. Like a bomb, waiting for the wrong thing to happen and I would kill someone, or at least fuck them up pretty bad.
There was another mangled blazer sitting there on my way off the base. I almost burst into tears right then. I hoped it helped someone, somewhere but fuck! that shit was torture. All I could envision was our mangled bodies or how we must have looked while it was going down--limp bodies being hurled through glass like rag dolls, skin and skulls splitting open, bones crunching, tires squealing. The entire prom was behind us when it happened and I would give almost anything to have seen it happen. On the way to school on the interstate I though about the all too familiar scene in my head. The one I had created and used often as some kind of way of judging my character and those around me. A high speed interstate crash, ugly, one that made the news and took a long time to clean up. I would be on the brink of death and I would have to make the choice--to fight to stay alive or to let death finally take me. This particular morning I still didn't have an answer. I sighed and felt relief rush over me as I envisioned finally letting go and dying. But I also felt the urge to fight for everyone else. Mostly for my little boy though.
Okay class started so that all for today.
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I fantasize about death often as a coping mechanism.

Journal entry 5-14-09

I arrived really early for class on this day and was sitting by my lonesome in the hall and decided to dive into a journal entry. I had listened to MIA's Paper Planes on repeat for the 45 minute drive to school and was ready to shoot someone when I got out of my truck. :) Also, if my diction seems a little odd it is because I was so immersed in the world of Jane Austen that I was starting to speak like the characters. It was funny to me so I just let it flow.
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I had an enjoyable drive to school this morning. For one, I was on time. Which is more than I can say for Tuesday's class. Secondly, it was sunny. Thirdly, I had great music on LOUD! It was a bit of an emotional ride however and I dare say I felt a bit volatile.
I have been completely immersed in Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice as of late. First, I downloaded the e-book, then the movie, then I watched the movie, then started reading the e-book. I couldn't stand it due to my impatience so I started watching the movie while reading the book. I would read a scene then skip over and watch it play out on the movie. I must say that it follows the book quite well. I have found that I am completely falling in love with Mr. Darcy's character and I am quite compelled to see who the actor is that portrays him. I am none other than breathless every time I watch the scene where he professes his love for her. I ordered the complete works of Jane Austen the other day and I am ecstatic about reading and owning all of her books. I have already downloaded the movies Emma and Sense and Sensibility. The reason for throwing myself so severely into Jane Austen is to replace--displace--my obsession with the Twilight series and Edward Cullen in particular. My plan was to throw myself into some other love story and while it was hard I have succeeded in overcoming the all encompassing love I possess for Edward Cullen! :)

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I have since come into the piano sheet music for Pride and Prejudice and am learning my favorite song of the movie, Dawn. While I was able to shake Twilight for a little while I have fallen back into it and am now, shamefully, reading fan fiction to get my fix.

untitled...wait does that make it titled.

I want to stay in my own space
Why does the veil have to slide slowly
Down, over me, entrapping me, enslaving me,
Protecting me...I know why.


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Yellow skin, scars run deep
My burden I carry
Conflicting emotion agitates the pools within
building pressure, I seek release...always.

...yearning for more...

...ever yearning for more
Fire, I'm melting into the earth
staring to the moon.
Sparks leak, oozing from my body
my only release.
Darkness, laid out in my solitary confinement
magical, my sensations intoxicating,
Take me.