listening to "Destiny" by Zero 7 for the 31st time...
literally...
Wondering if my Dad ever really loved me...
Worrying about who and what people think I am...
angry about that because I know that they will never really know...
hiding such a deep dark sadness inside...
feeling alone because of this...
does my brother really like me at all as a person...
what the hell is love...
I never sleep anymore...
feeling like I lead two separate lives...
feel strongest by myself...
confused because this is the opposite of what I have been taught...
Will I ever find another good friend...
how will it be...
what will they be like...
how long will I have with them...
how long do I have period...
wondering if I will die of cancer young...
I cried today and no one knew...
again...
why do I call my mother everyday yet cannot stand her...
what am I becoming...
am I destined to be this way until the end...
I am starting to think so...
is everyone just putting on a big show...
I know I am...
I want to be me but I don't talk...
I only feel...
words screw everything up...
this will only come across as just another depressing post...
this is me...
this is my identity...
I am invisible and insignificant to the rest of the world...
is there anyone out there who sees me...

Friends

Okay I feel like I have found some insight into my friend deficit situation. For starters I feel like a bad person because I feel like friends are always there for me but I am not there for them. I feel like I am always just take take take. I don't like it but I just keep doing it.

Well, it occurred to me this evening that maybe this is because I feel like I have nothing to offer. How could I possibly give someone advice about anything? and how can I comfort someone when I don't even feel comforted? I can I try to cheer up another person that is down when all I want to do is cry with them.

I think my self-esteem is so low that I don't think I would make a good friend so I push people away and isolate myself. It is like a viscious cycle. I have to figure out what I have to offer as a human being. I will keep you all updated when I figure that one out lol

Slang I hate!!

I hate slang! I am oh so guilty of it at the same time too.

Here are a few that I hate:

"What's good?" --Ummmm WTF lol

"What 'is name is?" --Meaning oh I know his name but I can't think of it let me try to describe him...

"Holla" --I used to like this one but now it is just annoying

"lol"--I hate this...why do I feel compelled to use it in almost every sentence I write lol

"What's up?" The "how are you?" of my generation. I say this at the beginning of almost all my calls...why can't I just say how are you.

"like" --like I'm like trying to like describe something like and I can't like get through my like sentence...WOW I am glad that I pretty much got over that stage lol

"nigga" --Can we all just stop using this word and any form of it--I'm sure there are better words to call friends. Terrible word

I feel like I could go on and on so I will stop here "lol" Maybe someday I will stop slanging it.