Consuming art in my downtime

Well...its that weird lull between Christmas and the new year. Kids are out of school and there's not as much work, if any. I have the drive to be super productive and at the same time know I should take advantage of this time to rest before the opportunity passes. I've been managing a little of both here and there, I guess, but this post will lean toward the resting side. Let's dive in!

I've been watching a movie called Equals on Netflix, on and off in the night, for a couple weeks now. I finally finished it tonight and WOW!! It hit me in ALL the right spots inside, will stick with me, and had an amazing soundtrack! Here's a trailer. Feel something for forbidden love? Relate to only showing true emotions in private? Love when movies say a lot with few words? Looking for some suspense? Then check this one out! 5/5 stars!


Also watched a movie today called Idiocracy. You can see the trailer below. This stars a lot of big names in comedy and made me laugh out loud a few times. I felt like I was "stupider" just from watching it! :) If you won't get offended by comedy that makes fun of humans and want to laugh a bit then check this one out!


Tomorrow, I will see the Bollywood movie, Simmba, at the theater and I'm REEEEEEALLLLLYYYYYYY EXXCITTEEDDDD!!! I love movies so much and rarely go to see them in the theater so to change that, this year I used some of the Christmas money I received to purchase enough in gift cards to see one movie a month for all of 2019. I've been scouting the releases lately for January but was kind of "blah" about most of them. I was browsing again today and saw that Ranveer Singh had a new one out. RANVEER SINGH!!!!! Ahem...enough said. I'm yet to see a Ranveer movie that I didn't like. Anyway, here's the trailer for this one. You can turn on the subtitles for the preview. Looks like he's got one crazy mustache going on in this one! lol Nice!!


Hmm, what else... I'm casually listening to the classic, Frankenstein, by Mary Shelley during commutes. What better time than the holidays, right?! Haha. I'm digging it so far and I'm not even to any gruesome parts yet.

Other than that, I tried my hand at making crepes for the first time today and have tried some new foods as well. All fun and good things that have now been added to who I am and are a part of my life. Have I mentioned in this blog that I love experiencing new things? ;) I do!
I've also wrapped up the main story-line in Assassin's Creed Odyssey which I've been playing since October, I think. What transpired was the worst available ending to the game, of any game I've played, in my opinion. Lol As mad, sad, hurt, and sick as I got over it just goes to show how great the game is. I became very attached to the characters and story over the last few months. Well done, Ubisoft! Definitely check this one out!

So...what movies, books, or games have you consumed lately?

Alrighty. I'm headed to bed but I'll leave you with a song from the soundtrack to Equals that I've been killing lately. It took me about an hour to find because they only play a certain part in the movie. Anyway, it's definitely a recent favorite for driving at night, falling asleep, or certain times in the gym. Basically, whenever I want to feel that same feeling I had watching that scene in the film. I always turn it up loud, skip to around 2:20, and listen to the end. Ah, it felt good...


I'm out!

Wrapping things up...

Not really in the mood for writing here today. However, some things have come to an end, new things will begin, and I'll want to look back later. So here we go!

First up is the bathroom remodel, six years in the making!! Haha. Here are some before/after pics for remembering.

Before pic

Before pic

Then I lived with this for a few weeks

Demo Day

Coming back together

Coming back together

After pic (minus a few things lol)

After pic (minus a few things lol)

Those were the last pics I took so deal with it. Maybe I'll post another sometime later. Anyway, bathroom is completely done and wonderful. Hoping for another remodel project in 2019!

Remember when I talked about seeing a pelvic floor specialist for peeing during heavy (for me) deadlifts? Well, I've now been there, done that, learned tons, became a case study for my specialist, and successfully hit a deadlift PR without peeing a drop. Hooray!! I "graduated", but this will be something I continue to work on; though I probably won't talk about it here again.

As for books, I finished Gabby Union's book about a week ago. It was good; came out with a bang, hit a lull in the middle, but then finished strong. There is a lot of discussion and experiences of race and racism in the book, more than I expected and even more so than the experiences of being a woman, so if that's not your cup of tea than don't pick this one up. I'm currently hunting down my next audio book victim. Muahahaha.

I can't remember if I spoke about it here but I've been missing Bollywood movies!! They have a whole different vibe to them and I needed one in my life, dammit. Lol. I did some searching and found one that looked promising called Sultan. Here's the preview. No subtitles but you don't need them to know what's going on in the trailer. 

I checked it out from the library and it was so good! Awww!!! (Bonus points that I got to watch it on the new, bigger TV! Yay!) Its underdog/great sports comeback/love story all in one big story. It was slightly corny and ridiculous in spots (which I secretly love and makes me giggle) but that story was there and it was solid! Plus, I love these two main actors. I feel like I learned life lessons, I laughed, I cried, and in the end I couldn't help but feel so happy for everyone involved. Bollywood fix--satisfied!! 

There was a male and female version of a song in the movie that had me ALL up in my feelings!  Lol I loved them both and will be killing them for the next few days so I'll leave them here to remember how I felt when I watched for the first time. Ah, a beautiful thing. :) 

I found subtitles for the male one but not the female one, unfortunately. Chorus sounds the same though.

Other than that, Christmas is almost ready to go, crazy money stuff is set to go for the new year, and there will be a lot of hanging out, working out, gaming, and resting until 2018 wraps. 

Have a good one!!

P.S. I Love You

"This is my one and only life. And it's a great and terrible and short and endless thing, and none of us come out of it alive."
-Holly Kennedy



I watched P.S. I Love You tonight and my heart is torn wide open. I want to remember these two things. Goodnight.

Working on those gains!

This week has been a great opportunity to test and challenge my patience and positive thinking muscles. I could make an entire post about my feelings of frustration and discouragement, my fears, feeling powerless and ashamed, and wanting things to just...SLOW DOWN!!

But I won't...

Instead, I'm going to vent a little and then try to turn that shit around. Watch me work!

I had to buy a dress and things to attend a semi-formal event this week. I adamantly insisted that I did not wish to attend and that with Christmas coming up so soon it would be horrible timing to have to take time and spend money on something that wasn't for the kids, friends, or family. Nevertheless, it is happening anyway and a lot of time and money went into it. Time and money that I planned to use elsewhere. I'm stressed, angry, discouraged, and resentful and having a hard time overcoming it....

At the same time I'll be wearing a beautiful dress and both my kids and I will experience something new. Someone will cook and serve me dinner instead of the other way around. Somebody's doing my makeup for me which I've never experienced before...and for free! I'll be able to make at least some of my money back by either returning or reselling the things I bought and may still be able to swing the purchase I would have rather been making instead. I'll be helping out and making my spouse happy which always makes for a more pleasant home environment. No one will die and life will continue on, no matter what, after its all said and done. See there? Positive muscles are getting pumped!

I've created some aggressive financial goals for 2019. Goals which require me to eliminate, cold turkey, somewhere between a quarter and a third of our annual income and devote it to hidden savings accounts and other things. Things are going to feel tight those first couple months and well...I'm worried and a little scared. My family looks to me to make sure their needs are met and I will be the one to take the blame when groceries and meal times aren't as fun and free as before or when some things will need to be sacrificed or purchases maybe held off on for a bit. After all, even though I've briefed everyone on "my plans", it was my decision to squeeze the accounts. They're not the only ones either. I won't lie, its nicer to live comfortably and not have to worry as much.

Nicer, yes, but also more wasteful. I've done the calculations and there is plenty of money to still live comfortably. This will (hopefully) force everyone to be more cognizant about spending. The kids will learn the value of a dollar and work better in an environment where everything isn't available, all the time. Less trips and going out means more time spent in...RESTING! Yes, please! Life will hopefully move at a slower pace where things like movie, show, and gaming marathons take place. Puzzles get built and board games get played. There will be less to interfere with the important things and people in my life. Instead, I can focus on my career, kicking ass in the gym, and spending time with/giving my time to my special people. There will be even more home-cooked meals, work done on little house projects, and time spent laying around reading books. And the whole time, those financial goals will be getting reached! No one will die, it will all be okay, and they won't fault me in the end! Feel those muscles burn! :)

Today got so hectic that I didn't even have time to take a shower after I left the gym. I grabbed a protein shake and ran out to run the 749 errands before making it back home for the kids. I was exhausted and still had dinner to get on the table and some cleaning to do. All the while, the kids were giggling, talking to me, rough housing, dragging things out while I was putting things away, and in general constantly moving and making loud noises. I was grumpy, stressed, and tired and they pointed it out to me. I was fussing at them, being short, and either being sarcastic or not talking or responding at all.
They were right so I sat my butt down and hung out with them for a bit and guess what? I got to get off my feet and they made me laugh! I still got that dinner on the table and finished my stuff. I got to hear about their little lives and listen to them giggle. That was one of the most important bits of my day and I know they liked it too! I love those little boogers. Plus, even though the day got hectic from the gym onward, my morning was spent working on little things around the house...alone...in total silence. It was marvelous.

What else went right today? I got my workout in, zoned out with music and shot hoops for a bit which is extremely relaxing, did everything I set out to do on my list and more, fit in a Southpark episode which made me laugh, spent time with my bestie, and put up the Christmas tree. The day was so damn positive I'm exhausted! ;)

Christmas tree 2018!

Ooookay, I'm tired and feeling a bit better so I'll leave you with a book and be on my way.
I mentioned Gabrielle Union in my last post because I'm now halfway through her audiobook, We're Going to Need More Wine and its great so far! I love listening to people's stories, especially women's stories. There's almost always something I walk away from them with that helps me in my own thoughts or feelings about life. I think they give me hope in a way.

Screw that. I'm leaving you with three songs I listened to in the gym today! :)


What a sweet, oldie but goodie.


Love to sing along with this one and had a hard time holding it in!


Always loved this one.

What's one positive thing about your day today?

randomness and life ramblings

Today, I learned that I can watch 30 full episodes of South Park for free on Comedy Central's website (just finished the HUMANCENTiPAD episode--good stuff lol), that there is such a thing as a Christmas pickle which has been around much longer than Elf on the Shelf (here's a Wikipedia article for it if you're as curious as I was), and that Gabrielle Union (which I've always liked) was raped at gunpoint in her younger years. How is that for randomness!

Life is strange. All of us, and all living things for that matter, are each having our own days, day in and day out...and TONS of little random things can and usually do happen every single day. Learning new things, witnessing something, riding the waves of emotion, being reminded of things from our past, making new connections, facing our fears, meeting new people, stumbling into new ideas. Those are just the little things! In some ways, its amazing we can stay connected with each other at all. In other ways, of course we would! We may all be on our own journey but we're all still having the human experience. Still, its easy for people to slip away from each other slowly as the days pass. Too easy, and sometimes its in our control and sometimes its not. I accept that, fear it at the same time, and have experienced both as I'm sure everyone has at one point or another. For our own parts, I guess it boils down to this:
Who would you work hard for and fight for and who would you willingly let go and slip away? *Warning: Answers may get complicated!*

I'm too tired to write anymore. Goodbye

Popping in for a quickie

Long time, no see. This won't be long because I've been waiting around two weeks, I think, to play AC Odyssey again and I'm beyond ready to get to it!

The family trip back home has been completed and was another goal marked off the list for 2018. Saw both parents in the same year this time around! That almost never happens! I hadn't been home for four or five years and I was able to do, and watch my kids do, lots of things I used to do when I lived there. I'm fortunate to be able to get my city boys out of the city sometimes. They thrive out there and my oldest did a lot of thinking and talking about it. That kid may end up in the country someday. Anyway, saw lots of family, ate yummy food that I didn't have to cook or buy, and made it back in one piece.

Yummy homemade food everywhere!

Treasures found like some of the corrective shoes I was made to wear as a kid

Perhaps my very first pair of Adidas shell tops?! Not quite but close ;)

On the flip side, the stress and anxiety were insane, I feel like I lost a year off my life, and I was sick the entire time with a cold... Ah, that's life though. There will always be some good and some bad to everything. Right? Right! Moving on!!

Things coming down the pipeline:

• I have my new 2019 planner in which will be written new goals for 2019. Hmm, what will I aim to crush this next year? ;)
• I'm currently searching for a new book. Finished the zombie one and it was hilarious all the way to the end. Will let you know what I end up in.
• Christmas tree and decorations will more than likely be going up this weekend.
• Master bath renovation is coming to an end very soon and I'm excited to be able to mark this off the list of goals as well.
• Still saving for a new TV but with Christmas around the corner and the way sales go, I think it might be best to buy after Christmas. Sitting on the money for now and adding little by little to my stash :)

I've, of course, run across some quotes I liked while gone and you're going to hear them!! ;)

"You will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. If you round out your edges, you lose your edge."

-Danielle LaPorte

"When it hurts--observe. Life is trying to teach you something."

-Anita Krizzan

Finally, three things I'm grateful for:

1. The strength I've gained from working out for I'm able to climb trees again!
2. Having enough money to live comfortably. I've come a long way from mustard sandwiches, $10/week grocery budgeting, and counting quarters to be able to get enough gas to get to work that day.
3. My best friend who is truly a jack-of-all-trades, one of a kind, and my MVP.

What are you grateful for today?

Game time!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

The basics!

Whale helloooo there! I'm sitting here listening to the sound of various tools ripping apart all parts of my bathroom. It's the beautiful sound of renovation, don't get me wrong, but I can do nothing even remotely productive while that's going on. Video games? Tried but can't hear or concentrate. Cooking? Tried but just kept standing in the kitchen and forgetting what I was doing. Painting? Too much dust in the air and I'll be in the way. I was resigned to just sit on the couch with my dog and stare but then I remembered you! So I'll try this. :)

Let's see, what's happened. I suppose it comes down to my basics: cooking, reading, music, projects, and randomness.

Cooking:
I finally got the birthday cake I requested this year! It was about a week'ish late but it came. Its called a blackout cake. Basically, it consists of a chocolate layer cake with chocolate pudding in between the layers, chocolate frosting, and more chocolate cake crumbles covering the entire thing. Don't let me stop you from Googling it. ;) What can I say? I like chocolate and wanted something I'd never had before. It was a toss up between this and a Tres Leche cake. You can Google that, too. Maybe I'll do that one next year. Anyway, I was surprised with this when I got home from work one day. They'd tried their hands at homemade pudding and frosting and added Oreo wafers to the crumbles on the top. The cake was dripping everywhere and maybe wasn't the most aesthetically pleasing thing to look at but it tasted good! Cracked me up.

Blackout cake

My blackout cake

I broke out the grilled cheese cookbook the other night for another edition of "Crazy Grilled Cheeses" and found one that fit the bill. It was supposed to be pimento cheese mixed with celery on buttered egg bread. However, I made the mistake of sending my spouse to the store for the bread and he "just picked one" so ours became pimento cheese mixed with celery on buttered rye bread. I HATE rye bread! Gross. Luckily, the crazy that was happening inside the sandwich completely overpowered any rye taste from the bread and it was edible. The kids wouldn't go near it, I ate only half of one, and the hubs chowed down. Go figure.

Things coming down the kitchen pipeline? I've been very in the mood to make borscht again AND I came home with a pho cookbook the other day, which I'd like to try my hand at, AND I've been craving homemade radish kimchi. I need some quiet mornings to get lost in the kitchen but it might be a couple weeks before any of this happens.

Reading:
Hmmm, reading has been a little sporadic but I've managed a couple audiobook adventures. First, I listened to a thirty minute lecture (lecture #39 of 48) on the welfare state that's part of a sub-series called Economic History of the World Since 1400, which is part of a larger series known as The Great Courses. Look it up here if you like and don't ask me how my brain got there. Lol The lecture was called  The Welfare State: From Bismarck to Obama, I learned lots, and then went out in search of more info. Perfect outcome!

Currently, I'm listening to a ridiculous book that's been making me laugh out loud in my car...alone. This guy, James Breakwell, wrote a survival book for the zombie apocalypse called Only Dead on the Inside but the twist is that its for parents. He has the sickest sense of humor about kids and parenting  and its hilarious! At only about four hours its short, funny, and fun.

Projects:
So I tried to build something; the first in a very long line of things I want to try to build. ;) I got all these boards and have been trying to construct a butcher-block style tabletop for a computer desk.
I'm having a blast, learning a lot, and some things are going great and others, mmm, not so much. Good stuff! Here's a "before" pic. We'll come back to this another day.

Randomness:

I've been going to a pelvic floor specialist for a few weeks and Kegel's have become my life. Pelvic floor PT is a crazy ride! 

I watched the most beautiful rain storm the other evening at work. The sun was setting so the sunlight was hitting all the rain drops falling and it had that sound. You know the one. That calm rain sound. It was amazing and I had to stop working just to watch and listen for a bit. I'll show you but it won't do it justice. Still, I'd like to remember it so I'm putting it here.

• Oh! I ran into this cool, huge leaf bug (?) and was almost late to work because, of course, I had to take pictures of it and ask it questions. Why am I so weird?! But I'm sorry, it wasn't scared of me and I got REALLY close. I mean, am I not going to talk to it?!!?!? Your face is a point and you look like a leaf...can I pleeeeeeease see what you feel like?? ;)

Music:
I'll leave you with some music. These two have been in heavy rotation the last few days and I've been killing those car concerts! Really digging Jidenna so far.



Yes, its a brag song, of which there are too many, but I like it! First few bars once he gets going are my favorite and I love the video! Killing it!

"Cockroaches and the rat shit
Hand me downs with the patches
Mama put a little money in the mattress
Taught me how to make a silver spoon out of plastic
You can either sink, swim or be the captain
Get the last word I'mma get the last laugh in
Now they say "Jidenna why you dressing so classic?"
I don’t want my best dressed day in a casket
You can either lead, follow or get out the way
Make a fuckin' move it would make my fuckin' day
Got a 100 year plan you jus' think about the today
Always been about time more than been about pay
Can't rump with me
Usain couldn’t run with me
Chief come to find you
You don’t come for me
At best you can run a lil company
N**** at worst, I could run the whole country"



This is the live version of this song but I like the energy better. I get goosebumps every time I hear him yell, "True friends stab you in the front!" Could be taken in different ways. Nice!

GoodBYEEEE!!!

Who needs sleep?!

Sigh. Its 2am and I'm sitting here thinking, reminiscing on good times and bad, and trying to figure out this little life of mine. I don't have time for this shit.

Paulo Coelho said that, "Tears are words that need to be written."

I'm keeping my feelings to myself tonight so I'm dropping a few tears here instead while the rest of my small world sleeps. Tomorrow is coming regardless though and I must sleep so goodnight and "annyeong" for now.

Happy Halloween and birthday to me!

It's been a minute and I don't remember what I was talking about here so let's start from right now!

• Behold, the mailbox project that became ultra-ridiculous is complete and has officially been marked off my list of goals for 2018!!! I had to take this ultra-ridiculous picture to match, complete with vignetting. Numbers are on the other side of course! 😉

• I got locked in the parking lot of the elementary school the other morning for a long time. Yes, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who gets myself into these kinds of situations. Lol Here's what happened. I dropped my kid off at the curb in the long line of parents dropping their kids off at the curb in the morning. I then veered into a nearby parking space to have a few minutes of alone time after a hard weekend. Roughly twenty minutes later I come out of my daze, pull out of my space and see that they have closed and locked a gate across the only entrance and exit!! 😯 Let's keep in mind that I was wearing no bra and the shortest shorts I own so I was NOT going into the main office. Long story short, they had to send someone out to unlock the gate just for me and I rode home giggling. SMH
• I turned 35! 😊
• I deadlifted 260lbs! 😊💪
• I killed a houseplant! ☹ I tried everything but couldn't seem to make this spider plant happy. Sorry, plant.
• The site where I watch ALL of my Korean shows and movies died! 😯 With only a couple episodes left of the drama I was watching! Currently looking for a good substitute...
• I went through a crazy interview to get a bigger, better job and failed. ☹ Booo! It was the first time I've ever been on an interview and didn't get the job. I guess my streak couldn't last forever, right? 😉 I learned some valuable things though and now I know better what to expect. 
• It's Halloween and that means the kickoff of the holiday season. $$$$$$$$$$$
• I started watching an anime! A boy-love one!! 😯 LOL My coworker is very into anime and gave me a big list to choose from to try one out. I said I was down so I get in my bed at night with my laptop and this is how it went. Anime starts; VERY corny opening song and sequence play out where two boys hold hands, run through flowers, exchange teddy bears, etc.; I giggle profusely at how this kind of thing would never fly in this country; seven minutes into the episode one guy is getting sexually assaulted by his tutor...and secretely LIKED IT! My mouth dropped open. LOLOL I guess we get straight to the point! I'm on episode 3 and this is exactly my face every time I watch. So bizarre, entertaining, and I can't stop giggling.

via GIPHY

• I started reading Fever by Laurie Halse Anderson. I wanted a good outbreak story. Something where people are violently vomiting up their melted insides all over the place and everybody freaks out. Quarantines break loose and general mayhem and destruction follow. You get the idea. This...mmm...isn't really cutting it and I'm bored. Its a teen book so its a little more mellow. I should have known. Its good but not exactly what I was looking for. I wanted something more like The Hot Zone by Richard Preston. Now that was good, gory, suspenseful, and TRUE! 😊 Not sure if I'll finish this one.

Now, I did say I turned 35. Yes, yes I did. For shits and giggles I looked back through my planners and such to see what kind of stuff happened in the last year. So without further ado, here are...

Twenty Things That Happened in My 34th Year of Life:

1. Walked across the stage and got a masters degree!
2. Finished a five year long journey through therapy!
3. Beat Assassins Creed Black Flag and Journey and played Witcher III for 6 months straight!
4. Completely paid off my undergraduate student loans!
5. Tried having a cleaning lady and decided it wasn't for me!
6. Did pull-ups for the first time in my life!
7. Cooked and tried some Ukrainian food for the first time!
8. Tubed down a natural spring!
9. Bought my first professional suit!
10. Left one job and started another; the one that had my dream job title!
11. Took two trips to Alabama where I'd never been before and laid out on a tiny island in the bay!
12. Sat on a committee that planned and executed a big city event!
13. Got a credit card!
14. Donated blood for the first time!
15. Built four planting beds in my garage with my best friend!
16. Changed the oil in my lawnmower for the first time!
17. Started drinking and found out I like sweet wine and Tequila!
18. Got a passport!
19. Started working two part-time jobs!
20. Attended a professional conference!

I can't wait to see what year 35 has in store for me!! ❤

Let's have some quotes before I go! Shall we? I'm always running into quotes I like.

"If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together."
-African Proverb

"You can't have everything...where would you put it?"
-Steven Wright

"You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don't take."
-Wayne Gretzky

What were some of your favorite moments from the last 12 months of your life?
Bye!!!

I'm coming back to life!

FINALLY, my other side is coming out. Got a little too sad for a little too long and I've been waiting. I knew it was coming and its here. All my fucks are flying away, I feel like I'm back on solid ground, I know what I've come from, what I've been through, and who the fuck I am which almost always has me feeling this song!!



Let me travel you down some of the roads of my thoughts today.

I caught myself feeling jealous today. My thoughts angrily ended on, "What a stupid fucking feeling." How to explain...I think it came from first thinking about why I was feeling jealous in the first place which at its most basic level boils down to someone else got something I want. At first it felt sad and pitiful but that whole thing is based on the belief that if the other person hadn't had the thing that it hypothetically could have ended up being mine. Well...I don't think that's the case. Therefore, what a stupid fucking feeling. If the thing would never have been mine regardless of if the other person had it or not...If I was lined up with the other person and 200 others at the right time and the thing STILL wouldn't have ended up being mine then why am I feeling jealous. It was never even an option for me. What a stupid fucking feeling.
Now, if the thing ever hypothetically could have been mine then that changes everything! LOL Then, yes, I could feel jealous and think of what could have been with a smile and a tear and in some weird way it would feel nice. Satisfying that I at least had a fucking hope and a prayer.
Anyway...other than that, if someone has something that I feel jealous of and its in my ability to get it, why be jealous? I can just go get that thing too! Most of the time it turns out that its a matter of a difference in timing and priorities and that's ok. Jealousy gone!
I blasted and sang this twice on the way home tonight. Jealousy: It can be 100% justified and understandable, 100% no good, or any combination in between. Sometimes I love it. Sometimes I hate it. But we're human and so it will be there.



Money was also on my mind today. I gave over 3k of it away towards the bathroom remodel and also went to work. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Money often costs too much." I thought today about what money is costing me right now. I only work part-time but because of the way the schedule is, I barely see my kids during the week. Money is costing me precious time with my kids. Every week they plead with me to see me more. They beg to sleep in my bed. Get out of their beds to greet me when I come home at night and try to cram their whole day into the five minutes before I make them go back to bed since they have school in the morning. They have things they're excited about and waited all day to tell their mom. I have no idea what they're doing in school anymore or what homework is due, or when. I'm completely out of the loop. At some point they'll accept my absence and will no longer plead for that time with mom. They'll lose hope and quit sharing. Money is costing me that and that loss is too great which is one reason I'm trying to get a better job even if its less money per hour. No amount of money could ever buy that time back. Its priceless.

This got me thinking about what else is priceless in life. Definitely nothing materialistic. I mean, my entire house could burn down tomorrow along with everything in it. I would be devastated at the loss. There are pictures and momentos and all my belongings that some of which I could never get back. But what are the most important things that you want to make it out of a fire. Its whatever and/or whoever you love. Insurance would give me money and another house would come and different belongings would eventually feel like mine, too. My oldest kid said something the other day that made me realize he'd learned something REALLY valuable, in my opinion. He said that when he's home alone its nice for awhile but even though its our house, it doesn't feel like our house unless we're all in it together. He said it just feels like "a" house; empty. Not "our" house. I told him that was true and that there is a saying that home is where the heart is. Today I thought, if you've got the people you love by your side and you know they love you back just as much and they'll be there by your side no matter what, whether you live in a mansion, suburbia, an apartment, a box, or wherever, you already have the most important component of a home. Let me ask you this? If you had someone you really, really loved and the feeling was mutual but you were separated from this person all the time. Which do you think would feel more like home? Wherever you are, alone, or being with them wherever they are? Would it matter where that was? No, it would not. You compromise, plan, work hard, play, and make decisions together and you make it the home. Together. It sounds beautiful! Unfortunately, this has not exactly been my experience thus far. Lol Never say never, right?!

What else is priceless? Basically everything inside a person. There is nothing I have within me that someone can take away. No one can take my education away or my life experiences or all the life lessons I've learned along the way. I'll always have each and every memory (that I can remember at least) and each defining or meaningful moment. No one can take away my feelings or times that made me smile, laugh, or cry. No one can take away my intelligence or the way I look at things. All the little quirks that make me who I am. No one can take that away from me. I'm priceless and it has taken almost 35 years and a lot of shit for me to get to the person I am right now. I'm like a rare fucking artifact and I get more priceless and valuable each year! No amount of money could ever be worth more than that. Of course, that's easy for me to say in my cozy, middle-class bed. But you get the point. If I died tomorrow, maybe people would care and maybe they wouldn't but one thing is for sure. I, Aberiah, would be gone. Gone gone! And there would never be another like me. When I think of the people that are most important to me and how priceless they are like that in the same exact way, I get overwhelmed with love and gratitude for the time I get to spend with them. No amount of money made could ever buy something so precious as that time. Money gets me places and allows me to buy the things I want and need but I never want money to "cost" me too much in return.

It true what they say I think:

• Life is a great balancing act
• The best things in life are free and 
• You can't take "things" with you when you die

Again, all this is very easy to say from my cozy, middle-class bed. I acknowledge that. 

To catch up on books quickly...

I finished the Trump book today. It was a solid read and I would recommend it! You may have to ignore Trump's GIANT ego but I still recommend. I also finished The Bird Box which I would also recommend. The ending was appropriate I think and while it could have been more I think it was smart to keep it short and sweet and to the point. To try to explain things better would have made it a much longer and altogether different book. I looked up his other books and didn't find anything that caught my eye so I'm moving on. I enjoyed that read and I'm always grateful for that!!

In other news, I got flowers today. Flowers... I mean, they really are relative. Who they're from and what they're for makes all the difference in the world. In the end though, I think at the very least, flowers are always a nice gesture and look pretty on the table so I was grateful and that's where they went. That's all I'll say about that here. 

Since today seems to be all about quotes for me I'll leave you with a few that hit home for me today.

"If you only do what you know you can do--you never do very much." -Tom Krause

"What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?" - George Eliot

"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again." -Alex Tan

On that note...I'm going to sleep so fuck off! ;)

Working and waiting to get back up

"I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become."

"Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger but they will never be you."

"I am thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn't have stumbled across my strength."

Ran across each of these recently and they stood out. Therefore, they go here for me to read again and again.
I've cried a lot in the last two days. What can I say? I'm having some really shitty feelings at the moment. I know deep down that this only goes two ways. Eventually, I will either get better again or I will die. Nevertheless, I'm taking steps to stay in the "alive" camp.

1. Cuddle with my dog who seems to love me the most in this world
2. Exercise even if its takes Herculean effort and tears to put forth a pitiful effort. It still makes endorphins...I think
3. Do at least one thing on the "to-do" list so there will be a sense of progress and accomplishment no matter how small
4. Listen to really loud music and sing along
5. Keep to the regular "routine" of what happens in day-to-day life no matter how badly the desire is to call out of work, quit going to the gym, stop eating, throw away the phone, wither away, and die in my sleep.
6. Learn all over again how to say "Fuck it" and "Fuck them" and really mean it when there are things that are out of my control no matter what I do and even for the things that are in my control and yet I fail at time and time again
7. Keep my heart warm and continue to give love no matter how many rejections I may face
8. Sleep, sleep, and then sleep more.
9. Cry until it feels numb and then realize that I'm still here. Move on until the next cry
10. Do things I like no matter how empty or numb it feels doing them. Do the things. (eat, cook, watch kdramas and movies, game, read books, sleep, etc.)
11. Remember that no matter what I will always at least have myself in this world and I think I'm alright!

I need to sleep now. I'll leave you with a song that has hurt like hell since I was a young girl. I'm sure I'm not the only one. Let's fight to stay alive, shall we? Why? I have no idea. Because its not time yet, that's why. Because maybe someone needs us.

Until next time...

Nervous and stagnant and scared, oh my!!

Now that grad school is over, the family-visit rotation has started up again and I'll be traveling to see quite a few of them this weekend. Yesterday, the emotions about that came, as they always do. 😩 I don't know how to describe it. Simply put, it feels bad...like a horrible blanket that I used to wear and have since put away but always seems to slide back on when I know I'm going to be around people from my past. On the other hand, I'm excited to see them and I'm almost guaranteed to have a good time. Its complicated.

The most important presentation of my life so far is coming up in a couple weeks. I applied for a bigger and better job again and have been called in for an interview/exam/presentation combo which is great! I'd be nervous for that anyway but I really want this job so I'm extra nervous. 

Never been through an interview process like this before so its intimidating. The presentation is only 5-10 minutes and I'm sure I'll do fine but its going to be hanging over my head in a major way until its over. The good news is that all this is going down on a Friday morning so once I'm done and walk out of that building, I can relax and do whatever I like the most for the whole weekend.

I think these two things I've just talked about have me feeling kind of stagnant. I think I've put myself on pause until they pass so I feel dull and like I'm not making any progress even though seeing my family and getting a job like this were both on my list of goals for 2018 so I am, in fact, making some progress. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just nervous, ok? Leave me alone! 😉

In book news...

I've finally found a book that's scaring me. Its scaring me so much that I've actually had to throw it down a couple times because I couldn't know what the next sentence was!! I've searched high and low (years!) for a book that could scare me without success so this??...THIS??!?!...makes me happy.

It's called Bird Box and its by a guy named Josh Malerman. I will definitely check out what else this guy's written. Anyway, so far it goes like this. There's something going on in the world. People started seeing something that would make them violently kill others and then themselves. There have been some really epic deaths, too! Once people started figuring out that it was something people were seeing outside, everybody got really paranoid and started blindfolding themselves/barricading themselves into dark houses. (Think The Quite Place movie, except with sight instead of noise) Obviously, a lot of people died. Now, four years later, a mom is going to try to take her kids (who are four and have literally never seen the light of day) 20 miles down the river that's behind their house, blindfolded.... I don't know what's at the end of her journey yet or what the "things" are that people are seeing. The fact that they know these things are out there with them coupled with only being able to hear/feel things is making it REALLY scary. The unknown is almost always scarier than the known. It better not be zombies and it better not be a bird. Lol. 

Wanna know what is so awesome though?! While I was writing this paragraph, I found out that its been made into a movie that releases in December of this year!!! 

That's enough for now because its almost gym time. Keep your head down and keep grinding!

October!

October has come and I feel full of fall. I went out for my annual candy corn haul today and brought home all this.

The only one I'm missing is the bag that has all pumpkins. I don't really eat or crave much candy but there are a few important ones.

1. Candy Corn in October
2. Cadbury Creme Eggs in April
3. Heath bars year round, as needed 😉

I feel like life's been put on pause. I went to bed in a really low and dark place in my mind on Sunday night and haven't fully recovered yet I guess. Anyway, I just...kind of lost my motivation to do extra stuff so its been cut down to the basics and taking it easy. I've read a lot in the last two days and actually just finished my mystery book about an hour ago. (I'd give it a solid 3.5/5 ☆ and that's coming from someone who doesn't like reading mystery) I'm enjoying the weather, being cozy in my blankets and pajamas when I can, enjoying the silence of my house when I can, keeping my head down, and trying to do what I can to take care of myself until my mind comes back around to a better place. Definitely feeling kind of alone and unloved but I think that goes with the territory of being down so I try really hard not to pay much attention to it.
Right at this moment its kind of rainy and cloudy out, I've got this bowl of roasted potatoes, a little candy corn, I'm curled up into a bunch of pillows and blankets, and writing this here. What could be better than that? Huh? 😋

I'm on the last boss fight of the main story line in Witcher 3 this week! How long have I been playing that game? February? May? Idk. Long time though and it's been a GREAT game. Just wow.  I'm hoping to beat him this week and will start a new game on Friday. I'm sure I'll say more on that another day.

I've been poking around in political stuff a little and decided I'd like to learn a little more about what our president has to say for himself so I started listening to Crippled America: How to Make America Great Again by the one and only Donald Trump. Ah, look at that sour face. I can't look at it too long or I get disturbed. Lol Let me just say that whoever made the decision to have someone else be the voice for this audiobook deserves a gold star because Trump does the introduction and I didn't think I could make it through an entire four hours of him yelling and spitting at me. There's a lot of bragging, chest pounding, bashing, and back patting going on but I kind of expect that kind of thing from Mr. Trump at this point. In between all of that is a clear message about each issue and I'm learning exactly where he stands; something I think I would never get from watching the news.

Its time for me to get ready for work so I'll be going but I'll leave you with a quote about a little thing called hope; sometimes we lose it, sometimes it feels really good, sometimes its all we have, and sometimes it gets crushed. Let's keep grinding, k?

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello,...

...hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, aaaaaand its getting weird to type. 😜

Progress has been made on the new computer desk! I decided to go for something like this as far as the desk goes...

(minus the keyboard thing, I hate those)

I can only fit a 6' desk in the space and I have two computers so my fingers are crossed that I can make it work with comfortable enough spacing for two people. Anyway, both drawer units have been bought and assembled. Initially, I was going to buy a butcher block countertop for the top but I haven't liked the amount of bad reviews for how high the cost is at the big box stores and I'd imagine the price would be even higher elsewhere. BUT! I've been pouring over YouTube videos and I think I can make something similar and suitable! My plan is to take measurements and choose the stain this week. My life consists of so many baby steps. Always baby steps. Sigh. Patience, Aberiah. Patience.

Painting continues. I made no progress on that this weekend and the wall paint on the trim is driving me bonkers. I keep telling myself...If you would just finish painting the walls you can make that trim look so pretty! Ask me if that's been working...😐

I saw that So Ji Sub has a new movie called Be With You. I don't want to forget so I'm putting it here. He's one of my favorites so I honestly don't even care too much what its about, I'll watch it. I've literally boo-hoo cried from every drama and movie I've ever watched of his and he hasn't let me down yet. I mean come on, look at that pic. They're going to hurt me and make me cry I can tell! Will devour this within the next few weeks I'm sure.

That's enough for now. Lost my desire to talk anymore. I'll come back to you soon but first...

...three things I'm grateful for today.

1. The internet!
2. My education!
3. Leisure time!

What were you grateful for today? Night!!

Another day of life has passed

I had planned all day to eat a boiled egg and some cashews before bed tonight but when I got home the eggs had all been consumed. Sigh. Thus, I'm eating cashews and peanut butter instead.

...I'm dipping my cashews into my peanut butter. That's right...nuts dipped in nut butter. I know, its blowing my mind, too. Its also making my mouth so dry and sticky I feel like I can't swallow anymore.

Hmm, what else has happened? Oh, yes. I knocked a bucket list item off! Your girl got her passport! 😎 It came in the mail the other day so its officially done. You know there will be a goal coming along at some point where I leave the country, right? Yes, yes, you know. lol

I'm also the owner of a beautiful new mailbox in my front yard! That's right. I finally installed the mailbox after six years of living in this house. I may come back later and upload a pic...probably not. Lol I bought the wrong size numbers so its numberless at the moment but that'll be fixed in no time. I'm kind of in love with it since it took so long and no one can bring me down from my mailbox high. 😉

However...

I did have some unpleasantness today. Someone called me a bitch, told me I was a pain in their ass, and a few other not so nice things. It was direct and they meant it. Taken out of context it sounds mean but, to be fair, within the relationship I have with this person, their current situation, and the way they view my choices in life and the way I am, its true. I deserved it, took it, and understood why but that doesn't mean the truth of it didn't sting. It stung all day and it still stings. That's all I'll say about that here. I'm sure it will make no sense to anyone other than me but when I look back the point is for me to remember anyway so there it is.

While we're still down here in the dump I'll tell you this. My garden failed HARD. Most seeds didn't even sprout and the ones that did have mostly died out or barely grown. I've never had anything even remotely close to this happen in this house, or ever, so I'm thinking it has to be the soil I had delivered. I'm really disappointed but onward and upward and you live and you learn, right? I'll probably cover the beds in black covers to snuff out weeds and come spring I'll do some soil testing and add some good stuff in before planting. Booo...😢

Let's bring it back up now! I finished the audiobook I was listening to about things parents say to their kids and am now on the hunt for something new. I'm figuring out that I prefer to read fiction in print but non-fiction seems way more digestible as audiobooks during commutes. Yada yada...

What else?! I have a new weight belt and its awesome! Don't know what a weight belt is? That's not important. Just know that its awesome. 😉 Speaking of weights, I seem to have reached the point now where the weight is sometimes heavy enough to make me pee a little and therefore its time to find a pelvic floor specialist to finally correct whatever damage birthing two babies probably did to my pelvic floor way back when. That's waaaaay too much information and thus I will be going. Lol

I'll leave you with an old Lenny Kravitz favorite that came on the other night when I was shopping in Lowes. Bravo, Lowes, for enhancing my shopping experience! Until next time, Let Love Rule!! ;)

Very unexciting stuff here

Ever wondered how you would do now on a high school/early college math test? I did. I'm old enough to have forgotten a lot, so I was curious.

There happen to be some tutors where I work and I'm always trying to suck info out of them. For example, the writing tutor gives me crazy, weird reading recommendations and when I come back to her after reading them with my hands in the air and laughing, she gives me context so I can understand. I'm getting off topic.

So the math tutors happened to have such a test in their department; the test one would have to pass to become a math tutor where we work. It was a very slow morning at work that day and one without projects to attend to so I delved in! These 15 questions took me an hour and a half and I had to frequently Google things that were fuzzy in my memory. Even with all of that and the internet at my fingertips, I failed in an EPIC way! I'm leaving the test here so I can always remember my handiwork. Always "show your work"! Lol Some of the writing was from my "instructors" showing me how to do the problems as they were grading.

(1st page went well! All correct!! Yes, that's a 47% lol)

(Started getting a little shakier on page 2)

(Mmmmm...ya, no!)

(Technically, say the tutors, because I never took Calculus I get a pass for those first three questions on this page which would bring my score to 58%...still failing. Lol. I made a silly mistake on the last question so at least I had the satisfaction of knowing I could still do probability. YEAH!)

Anyway, fun times at work. Moving on!!

I finally chose an e-audiobook called Because I Said So!: The Truth Behind the Myths, Tales, and Warnings Every Generation Passes Down to Its Kids by Ken Jennings and I think I'll have it finished within another day or two of commutes. The name really says it all but its funny here and there and I've learned a thing or two. My oldest was listening one day and a couple of them turned up "false" that I've repeated to him over the years. The look on his face was priceless. Oops! 😇 Here's the cover.

I'm also dabbling pretty hard in The Sleep Solution: Why Your Sleep Is Broken and How to Fix It by W. Chris Winter, MD. My sleep isn't really broken per say but I am getting lots of little tips to try and changes to make for possible improvements. This was an accidental find but it came out in 2017 so it's got a little newer research to back it up than a lot of older books on the topic. I like that in a "help" book.

I don't know that I'll finish this next one but I'm beyond fascinated for the moment and the author keeps making me laugh out loud so we keep going for sure! I mean, I've laughed really hard a couple times and that's rare in a book. Basically, the author went around the world to look at how various cultures deal with death in different ways. For example, did you know in this one place in Indonesia, they keep having relationships with their dead? They mummify them in their own way, change their clothes, kids sleep with them (after the smell dissipates 😮), they may dig them up out of the graves every few years to change their clothes, put on some sunglasses, take pictures with them and talk, make a sacrifice, you know...hang out. Then they put them back until next time. The line between life and death is more fuzzy there. I would never have guess that was going on somewhere and I learned something new. Therefore, this book already gets high marks from me, not to mention the hilarity. I'm skipping the chapter on Mexico and Día de los Muertos because I watched Coco so basically I know everything already. 😉

That's enough about books. Geez!

I'm feeling kinda down and don't really feel like talking to you anymore so I'll go for now. I"m planning to simply go through the motions of the day, hang out with my dog in between, and tomorrow will be a new day. Sigh 😔

Until next time but I'll leave you with this!

Three things I'm grateful for today:

1. The roof over my head.
2. My gym.
3. My phone.

Did you know?

Did you know...
...that when you go to get those online driving directions, there are tools in there that can tell you what time you need to leave "Point A" to arrive at "Point B" at your desired time, based on typical traffic patterns for that area and time of day? Mind blown!

...that the plant I bought for my house a week or two ago is poisonous to my dog? I didn't and now I'm conflicted. He hasn't touched it at all and its not really deathly poisonous so.... If my dog dies from that plant, I'll never forgive myself...but for now its staying.

...that more important than setting a nightly bedtime and sticking to it, is setting a morning wake up time and sticking to it? Yes, that means weekends as well. Boo! I'm debating if I'm gonna give this a trial period for two weeks.

...that lots of people eat their boogers and they may be giving their immune systems a boost in the process? I know...that's a rough one. Let's keep moving. lol

...that the thing our parents did where they poured Hydrogen Peroxide into our open wounds to kill bacteria actually isn't that effective and damages some of the healthy stuff in the process? Better to flush them out with good old water.

...that you're awesome? 😉 You are. 💕

All things I've learned from reading this week.

An opportunity fell into my lap today so I took it and did a new thing that I've wanted to do for years now. I tasted some Peruvian food. I don't think what I chose was the most Peruvian thing I could've gotten so I won't give a verdict yet. I had something called Pollada. The entry says this:

Pollada-Marinated dark meat chicken in Peruvian peppers and chef's seasonings, deep fried and served with golden potato slices and rice.

I'm feeling lonely tonight so now its your turn. Tell me something I maybe didn't know because I love to learn. Bye!

Its the stupid, little day-to-day things that count

First things first! When possible, always start journals with rainbows. 🌈

I saw the biggest rainbow on the way to work the other morning and was able to follow it all the way there. Ahh, nature's the best. I snapped this pic but couldn't do it justice from my spot in the parking lot. Anyway, I wanted to remember it so it goes here!

Second, do you remember the plate that was to be smashed? Well, I'm happy to report that it's been smashed to pieces and it was a beautiful thing. I have a clip of it but won't be sharing it here because (Hello!) I'm just "Some chic you don't know"! I can't go around putting pics and vids of my face on here! Ahem, just know that the plate was thrown, it shattered spectacularly, and felt really, really good.

There's really nothing of substance to leave here today but sometimes when I look back in journals its the stupid, little day-to-day things that are my favorite to read about and remember. So in the spirit of sharing stupid, little day-to-day things with a future version of myself, here are a couple more quick shots...

• Baby oranges from the baby orange tree have come to my yard! Yuuuumm!

• I'm still going strong on the K-drama I've been watching. At 32 episodes, its the longest one I've ever tackled but episode 20 is still bringing the feels so we keep going! I almost died an episode or two back when he confessed his love to her. DIED! I think my heart cracked open and all my mushy goo poured out everywhere! 💔😍 I've laughed, I've cried a little, its broken my heart and swelled it, too. Good stuff!
• The new computer came in and the kids are in love. Still need to get the desk and space situated but I'm painting and doing other things right now and want to build the money back up again so its on hold a bit.
• I finally submitted the application for a bigger and better job (yes...again) that's been haunting me for over a week. Working on another now and its going easier this time around. Ha! No its not. Don't listen to me. Part of me is scared to get the job, part of me is scared to not get the job, part of me really wants the job because I can feel that the bigger, better job I got myself into in May is good and all but I can feel that its not the best fit for me both professionally and personally. We'll see, right?
• Here, how's this for random and inconsequential? Upon arriving at work the other day I found this little display right in front of the staff entrance doors in the back of the building. Only this and nothing else. I laughed a little and took a pic of course. What does it mean? What does it mean???!! When I came out a little later it was gone. 

There, enough of that for now.

As for books, I'm off on a new adventure. I finished the confidence book a few days ago. It was pretty good! I learned some things, reaffirmed some others, and generally liked a lot of what they said and it helped me a little. All good things.

Now, do you think that means that I'll forego starting another book until I finish the other two I'm in? Noooooooo. I spent the last hour of work two nights ago (during which my brain had officially shut down for the day and it was a matter of staying awake) looking for new books to read. I've checked out two new cookbooks, downloaded seven audiobooks on my phone, checked out more print books, emailed and texted myself records of more I'd like to remember for later, etc.. What can I say? Book hauls are just "my way". I've pulled everything from sleeping advice, survival, horror, death in different countries, travel writing, short stories from out west, classics, and more. I'll update here when I choose what rabbit hole to fall down next. Pretty excited about it.

Last but not least, can I take a moment to say how much I love this dog? Oooh, you know what? Yes, I can thank you very much!! 😊 I was really upset for a couple days a little ways back and this dog did not leave my side. He laid his head on pillows with me, gave many kisses, curled up into my body wherever I was, wanted to be under the covers with me, followed me around the house to camp out near me, and whenever I'd peep over at him, he'd almost always be watching me just like this. They really do seem to sense when things aren't right. Love him to pieces. 💗

I'm headed to sleep so I can brave another day. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. I'll leave you with three things I'm grateful for...

1. My dog
2. Self-awareness
3. The happiness of those I love

What stupid, little day-to-day things have happened in your life lately?