Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello,...

...hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, aaaaaand its getting weird to type. 😜

Progress has been made on the new computer desk! I decided to go for something like this as far as the desk goes...

(minus the keyboard thing, I hate those)

I can only fit a 6' desk in the space and I have two computers so my fingers are crossed that I can make it work with comfortable enough spacing for two people. Anyway, both drawer units have been bought and assembled. Initially, I was going to buy a butcher block countertop for the top but I haven't liked the amount of bad reviews for how high the cost is at the big box stores and I'd imagine the price would be even higher elsewhere. BUT! I've been pouring over YouTube videos and I think I can make something similar and suitable! My plan is to take measurements and choose the stain this week. My life consists of so many baby steps. Always baby steps. Sigh. Patience, Aberiah. Patience.

Painting continues. I made no progress on that this weekend and the wall paint on the trim is driving me bonkers. I keep telling myself...If you would just finish painting the walls you can make that trim look so pretty! Ask me if that's been working...😐

I saw that So Ji Sub has a new movie called Be With You. I don't want to forget so I'm putting it here. He's one of my favorites so I honestly don't even care too much what its about, I'll watch it. I've literally boo-hoo cried from every drama and movie I've ever watched of his and he hasn't let me down yet. I mean come on, look at that pic. They're going to hurt me and make me cry I can tell! Will devour this within the next few weeks I'm sure.

That's enough for now. Lost my desire to talk anymore. I'll come back to you soon but first...

...three things I'm grateful for today.

1. The internet!
2. My education!
3. Leisure time!

What were you grateful for today? Night!!

Another day of life has passed

I had planned all day to eat a boiled egg and some cashews before bed tonight but when I got home the eggs had all been consumed. Sigh. Thus, I'm eating cashews and peanut butter instead.

...I'm dipping my cashews into my peanut butter. That's right...nuts dipped in nut butter. I know, its blowing my mind, too. Its also making my mouth so dry and sticky I feel like I can't swallow anymore.

Hmm, what else has happened? Oh, yes. I knocked a bucket list item off! Your girl got her passport! 😎 It came in the mail the other day so its officially done. You know there will be a goal coming along at some point where I leave the country, right? Yes, yes, you know. lol

I'm also the owner of a beautiful new mailbox in my front yard! That's right. I finally installed the mailbox after six years of living in this house. I may come back later and upload a pic...probably not. Lol I bought the wrong size numbers so its numberless at the moment but that'll be fixed in no time. I'm kind of in love with it since it took so long and no one can bring me down from my mailbox high. 😉

However...

I did have some unpleasantness today. Someone called me a bitch, told me I was a pain in their ass, and a few other not so nice things. It was direct and they meant it. Taken out of context it sounds mean but, to be fair, within the relationship I have with this person, their current situation, and the way they view my choices in life and the way I am, its true. I deserved it, took it, and understood why but that doesn't mean the truth of it didn't sting. It stung all day and it still stings. That's all I'll say about that here. I'm sure it will make no sense to anyone other than me but when I look back the point is for me to remember anyway so there it is.

While we're still down here in the dump I'll tell you this. My garden failed HARD. Most seeds didn't even sprout and the ones that did have mostly died out or barely grown. I've never had anything even remotely close to this happen in this house, or ever, so I'm thinking it has to be the soil I had delivered. I'm really disappointed but onward and upward and you live and you learn, right? I'll probably cover the beds in black covers to snuff out weeds and come spring I'll do some soil testing and add some good stuff in before planting. Booo...😢

Let's bring it back up now! I finished the audiobook I was listening to about things parents say to their kids and am now on the hunt for something new. I'm figuring out that I prefer to read fiction in print but non-fiction seems way more digestible as audiobooks during commutes. Yada yada...

What else?! I have a new weight belt and its awesome! Don't know what a weight belt is? That's not important. Just know that its awesome. 😉 Speaking of weights, I seem to have reached the point now where the weight is sometimes heavy enough to make me pee a little and therefore its time to find a pelvic floor specialist to finally correct whatever damage birthing two babies probably did to my pelvic floor way back when. That's waaaaay too much information and thus I will be going. Lol

I'll leave you with an old Lenny Kravitz favorite that came on the other night when I was shopping in Lowes. Bravo, Lowes, for enhancing my shopping experience! Until next time, Let Love Rule!! ;)

Very unexciting stuff here

Ever wondered how you would do now on a high school/early college math test? I did. I'm old enough to have forgotten a lot, so I was curious.

There happen to be some tutors where I work and I'm always trying to suck info out of them. For example, the writing tutor gives me crazy, weird reading recommendations and when I come back to her after reading them with my hands in the air and laughing, she gives me context so I can understand. I'm getting off topic.

So the math tutors happened to have such a test in their department; the test one would have to pass to become a math tutor where we work. It was a very slow morning at work that day and one without projects to attend to so I delved in! These 15 questions took me an hour and a half and I had to frequently Google things that were fuzzy in my memory. Even with all of that and the internet at my fingertips, I failed in an EPIC way! I'm leaving the test here so I can always remember my handiwork. Always "show your work"! Lol Some of the writing was from my "instructors" showing me how to do the problems as they were grading.

(1st page went well! All correct!! Yes, that's a 47% lol)

(Started getting a little shakier on page 2)

(Mmmmm...ya, no!)

(Technically, say the tutors, because I never took Calculus I get a pass for those first three questions on this page which would bring my score to 58%...still failing. Lol. I made a silly mistake on the last question so at least I had the satisfaction of knowing I could still do probability. YEAH!)

Anyway, fun times at work. Moving on!!

I finally chose an e-audiobook called Because I Said So!: The Truth Behind the Myths, Tales, and Warnings Every Generation Passes Down to Its Kids by Ken Jennings and I think I'll have it finished within another day or two of commutes. The name really says it all but its funny here and there and I've learned a thing or two. My oldest was listening one day and a couple of them turned up "false" that I've repeated to him over the years. The look on his face was priceless. Oops! 😇 Here's the cover.

I'm also dabbling pretty hard in The Sleep Solution: Why Your Sleep Is Broken and How to Fix It by W. Chris Winter, MD. My sleep isn't really broken per say but I am getting lots of little tips to try and changes to make for possible improvements. This was an accidental find but it came out in 2017 so it's got a little newer research to back it up than a lot of older books on the topic. I like that in a "help" book.

I don't know that I'll finish this next one but I'm beyond fascinated for the moment and the author keeps making me laugh out loud so we keep going for sure! I mean, I've laughed really hard a couple times and that's rare in a book. Basically, the author went around the world to look at how various cultures deal with death in different ways. For example, did you know in this one place in Indonesia, they keep having relationships with their dead? They mummify them in their own way, change their clothes, kids sleep with them (after the smell dissipates 😮), they may dig them up out of the graves every few years to change their clothes, put on some sunglasses, take pictures with them and talk, make a sacrifice, you know...hang out. Then they put them back until next time. The line between life and death is more fuzzy there. I would never have guess that was going on somewhere and I learned something new. Therefore, this book already gets high marks from me, not to mention the hilarity. I'm skipping the chapter on Mexico and Día de los Muertos because I watched Coco so basically I know everything already. 😉

That's enough about books. Geez!

I'm feeling kinda down and don't really feel like talking to you anymore so I'll go for now. I"m planning to simply go through the motions of the day, hang out with my dog in between, and tomorrow will be a new day. Sigh 😔

Until next time but I'll leave you with this!

Three things I'm grateful for today:

1. The roof over my head.
2. My gym.
3. My phone.

Did you know?

Did you know...
...that when you go to get those online driving directions, there are tools in there that can tell you what time you need to leave "Point A" to arrive at "Point B" at your desired time, based on typical traffic patterns for that area and time of day? Mind blown!

...that the plant I bought for my house a week or two ago is poisonous to my dog? I didn't and now I'm conflicted. He hasn't touched it at all and its not really deathly poisonous so.... If my dog dies from that plant, I'll never forgive myself...but for now its staying.

...that more important than setting a nightly bedtime and sticking to it, is setting a morning wake up time and sticking to it? Yes, that means weekends as well. Boo! I'm debating if I'm gonna give this a trial period for two weeks.

...that lots of people eat their boogers and they may be giving their immune systems a boost in the process? I know...that's a rough one. Let's keep moving. lol

...that the thing our parents did where they poured Hydrogen Peroxide into our open wounds to kill bacteria actually isn't that effective and damages some of the healthy stuff in the process? Better to flush them out with good old water.

...that you're awesome? 😉 You are. 💕

All things I've learned from reading this week.

An opportunity fell into my lap today so I took it and did a new thing that I've wanted to do for years now. I tasted some Peruvian food. I don't think what I chose was the most Peruvian thing I could've gotten so I won't give a verdict yet. I had something called Pollada. The entry says this:

Pollada-Marinated dark meat chicken in Peruvian peppers and chef's seasonings, deep fried and served with golden potato slices and rice.

I'm feeling lonely tonight so now its your turn. Tell me something I maybe didn't know because I love to learn. Bye!

Its the stupid, little day-to-day things that count

First things first! When possible, always start journals with rainbows. 🌈

I saw the biggest rainbow on the way to work the other morning and was able to follow it all the way there. Ahh, nature's the best. I snapped this pic but couldn't do it justice from my spot in the parking lot. Anyway, I wanted to remember it so it goes here!

Second, do you remember the plate that was to be smashed? Well, I'm happy to report that it's been smashed to pieces and it was a beautiful thing. I have a clip of it but won't be sharing it here because (Hello!) I'm just "Some chic you don't know"! I can't go around putting pics and vids of my face on here! Ahem, just know that the plate was thrown, it shattered spectacularly, and felt really, really good.

There's really nothing of substance to leave here today but sometimes when I look back in journals its the stupid, little day-to-day things that are my favorite to read about and remember. So in the spirit of sharing stupid, little day-to-day things with a future version of myself, here are a couple more quick shots...

• Baby oranges from the baby orange tree have come to my yard! Yuuuumm!

• I'm still going strong on the K-drama I've been watching. At 32 episodes, its the longest one I've ever tackled but episode 20 is still bringing the feels so we keep going! I almost died an episode or two back when he confessed his love to her. DIED! I think my heart cracked open and all my mushy goo poured out everywhere! 💔😍 I've laughed, I've cried a little, its broken my heart and swelled it, too. Good stuff!
• The new computer came in and the kids are in love. Still need to get the desk and space situated but I'm painting and doing other things right now and want to build the money back up again so its on hold a bit.
• I finally submitted the application for a bigger and better job (yes...again) that's been haunting me for over a week. Working on another now and its going easier this time around. Ha! No its not. Don't listen to me. Part of me is scared to get the job, part of me is scared to not get the job, part of me really wants the job because I can feel that the bigger, better job I got myself into in May is good and all but I can feel that its not the best fit for me both professionally and personally. We'll see, right?
• Here, how's this for random and inconsequential? Upon arriving at work the other day I found this little display right in front of the staff entrance doors in the back of the building. Only this and nothing else. I laughed a little and took a pic of course. What does it mean? What does it mean???!! When I came out a little later it was gone. 

There, enough of that for now.

As for books, I'm off on a new adventure. I finished the confidence book a few days ago. It was pretty good! I learned some things, reaffirmed some others, and generally liked a lot of what they said and it helped me a little. All good things.

Now, do you think that means that I'll forego starting another book until I finish the other two I'm in? Noooooooo. I spent the last hour of work two nights ago (during which my brain had officially shut down for the day and it was a matter of staying awake) looking for new books to read. I've checked out two new cookbooks, downloaded seven audiobooks on my phone, checked out more print books, emailed and texted myself records of more I'd like to remember for later, etc.. What can I say? Book hauls are just "my way". I've pulled everything from sleeping advice, survival, horror, death in different countries, travel writing, short stories from out west, classics, and more. I'll update here when I choose what rabbit hole to fall down next. Pretty excited about it.

Last but not least, can I take a moment to say how much I love this dog? Oooh, you know what? Yes, I can thank you very much!! 😊 I was really upset for a couple days a little ways back and this dog did not leave my side. He laid his head on pillows with me, gave many kisses, curled up into my body wherever I was, wanted to be under the covers with me, followed me around the house to camp out near me, and whenever I'd peep over at him, he'd almost always be watching me just like this. They really do seem to sense when things aren't right. Love him to pieces. 💗

I'm headed to sleep so I can brave another day. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. I'll leave you with three things I'm grateful for...

1. My dog
2. Self-awareness
3. The happiness of those I love

What stupid, little day-to-day things have happened in your life lately?

Just do the things!

While cleaning out the kitchen cabinets tonight, I stepped back and really saw our family's dish situation for the first time in a while. You know how you go about your days, never really paying attention to things like dishes? Well, tonight I did and it was a bad scene. Haha! There are lonely, leftover, nicer dishes whose mates have all been broken, glass mugs that were given to me at a birthday party, various random plastic cups that I never bought but have somehow come to live in our house, water bottles who've lost their lids, warped cheap plastic containers that should have never gone in the microwave and ALL those lids that no longer go to anything. Though its been awhile since I've noticed this, its not the first time. The difference is that this time I got fed up, grabbed the trusty laptop, and ordered new dishes for the house.

I ordered two sets because...well...kids! Everything gets broken in this house.
They're basic.
They're white.
They're not fine china (Kids!).
But they match!
As soon as they arrive I'm throwing out or donating everything in that cabinet that isn't fully functioning. Done, done, and moving on!!

To do a little updating from a couple posts ago, I've since:

• painted half the living room and a small bit of the hall. However, only the first coat is on and I haven't touched the trim. After having the orange walls for so long, I'm in a bit of shock over the lack of color. Not sure if I don't like it or its just going to take some getting used to. In the end, I have to remember that its more for buyers anyway and I can paint my next house whatever I want.
• ordered a new computer and monitor. They're on their way and I've no table to put them on! Gah!!
• worked a little on the resume. There are two job openings I'm trying to apply for that close in a few days. I'm a little stressed about it and a little chicken shit as well but overall, I want to make it happen. At least I can feel like I tried. Gotta get this done Aberiah!
• registered for that professional conference this month and submitted an application for a scholarship today to attend another next year. I'm not usually the scholarship type. Why? Because I'm chicken shit and don't like to fail! This is stupid, I know, because with most scholarships, simply applying will get you the money. Everyone thinks everyone is applying but no one actually goes through the pain of submitting the thing in the end. I've still been casually listening to my confidence book during commutes and its saying a lot that I've learned on my own over the years. Confidence can be a feeling, ya, but mostly its just about doing the thing, walking the walk, and getting it done. The more you just do things, the higher the probability that something will go right, which in turn will give you a confidence boost to do more, and again. Another takeaway has been about obsessing over perfection. I'm reeeeeeeally bad about this and its one of the reasons it takes me forever to do things and make decisions. I don't mind this aspect of my personality too much because it helps me do a good job at things. I do mind if it gets in the way of my progress. So this week, I told myself I was going to submit that application and it didn't have to be perfect, just submitted. Do the thing! I wrote my little essays at work today while kids were screaming, coworkers were interrupting me, and in between helping customers. Was it my best work? Hell no, but it was okay. Will I fail? Maybe. Did I submit it? Hell yes and felt good about, too. I'll find out in January if I get the money or not. 
• Know what else I did on my little confidence high at work this week? I asked my boss if I could take any projects off her hands to work on and today I got one! Hopefully, I won't crash, burn, and die trying to figure it out. Haha! 
• Speaking of confidence and perfectionism. I've been stalling for weeks on the master bath remodel I wanted to have done this year. I've got the money for it and have phone numbers of contractors to call but I'm overwhelmed by options, feel like I can't grasp the process, and basically I'm being chicken shit. Instead of continuing in this stupid way, I'm just going to switch to an easier project to get my feet wet. I'm gonna tackle the kitchen instead! The flooring and window have already been replaced. I'll buy appliances and a snazzier light a little later I think so for now its all about getting rid of a soffit (?), fixing any water damage that may have occurred behind the sink, installing new cabinets and countertops, a back-splash, and a new sink and faucet. That seems waaaaaay easier to me for some reason! My hope is that once I get one remodel under my belt, I'll feel more comfortable and confident to tackle the scary bathroom.

Alright netizens! Time for bed an hour and a half ago. Get out of my face already! ;)

Focus on the good

What a week of good and shit. High's and low's. Good memories made and bad ones as well. I'm rested but exhausted, thinking about my goals as always yet feel like giving up on everything at the same time. I'm full of appreciation, gratitude, and love but have meanness and anger inside as well. I'm stuffed full of good and bad.

Sigh. Let's talk about some good things...

• The garden's been planted and seeds are sprouting everywhere. One of the things I'm looking forward to today is going out there to thin them out a little. I just wanna be quiet with my thoughts and away from everyone. I'll put what I planted so far here because I'm already starting to forget.
• Beets
• Broccoli
• Brussel Sprouts
• Carrots
• Celery
• Collards
• Chinese Cabbage
• Kale
• All kinds of herbs to help those
• I bought my first bottle of liquor specifically for taking shots and am on the hunt for a shot glass to call my own. Between the wine and this, I've gained some confidence that I can have those kinds things in the house without abusing them. Doesn't mean I don't think about it and there's also some memories that swirl around sometimes that include the alcoholic stepdad I grew up with. Those cause some conflicting and sometimes confusing feelings but overall, I think I'm ok.
• A new thing happened. Nothing from the bucket list though. I went to a driving range here. Technically, this isn't a new thing for me. I vaguely remember going to the driving range with people in high school where I grew up. However, that was a long time ago and nothing like what I did this week. Back then, they gave us a big bucket of balls and some clubs and we went out and hit balls on a flat surface. Here, I was on the third story I think, my balls come out of a machine, everything's timed, super expensive, and there are computerized games tracking everything you hit. Weird. Still, I will go back alone.
• I made the varenyky. Never tasted anything like it before but it was very yummy. First times are first times though and there's always room for improvement so I'll try to do better next time.
• I made the appointment to have my passport photo taken, turn in all the paperwork, and pay. Will be the final step and then I just have to wait for it to come in. I know I'll be itching to leave the country once I get it even though the timing's not right yet. Maybe I can find somewhere close to go sometime. Some deal I find on a travel website for wherever and I just see what there is to see, wherever it is. I think its the "going" part and the "doing" part that's important for me.
• A new pair of army green Lulu gym leggings are on their way to me. New workout clothes feel good. I tend to sweat a lot though so hopefully that won't show too much in the lighter color. Its one of the main reasons I don't wear color leggings.
• It'll be fall this month and I think I'm catching the fall bug. I had the heater on in my car on the way home from the gym last night and wore sweats to bed. My birthday's coming and they've put the Halloween stuff out in the stores. I have baking on my mind, lots of pumpkin and sweet potato muffins, pancakes, breads, pies, etc. I miss wearing boots and big sweaters.

We can talk about books a little. Books are good.
I told you last time that I checked out a ton of them to choose from. Well, I had some really random stuff in there; authors I don't read, genres I don't usually like, new books I've never heard of. I guess I still needed some switching up. Anyway, I settled on a mystery, J.D. Robb's Obsession in Death. I think I've mentioned here that I don't like mysteries but there was a time when I was forced to read some for a school assignment. I had picked up a J.D. Robb one for that and it was the only one that was alright. Here's why. In mystery books, you as the reader are trying to figure out "who did it". That's why mystery books are sometimes called "Whodunit's". I hate that for some reason. Haaaate it! J.D. Robb, however, goes backwards. The murder happens at the beginning and the reader is the first to know, hear the murderer's thoughts, and all that. The rest of the book is watching the characters figure it out, not me. It apparently makes all the difference for my mind. The book's holding my attention but I'm still looking for that next really great book that blows my mind. Those don't happen as often.

I started an audio book on a whim called The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance---What Women Should Know by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman. I had no idea what I'd find going in but I'm halfway through it at this point. Maybe more on this later.

I also ran into this book at work that excited me and seemed perfect but its turning out to be a dud unfortunately. What I was hoping for was an unbiased general history of how this pink/blue thing got started. Maybe that's there but the book is written for academics and reads like an extremely long research paper. I feel like I'm reading someone's lit review on the topic. I've been out of school less than a year and have no desire to read anything even remotely resembling a peer-reviewed journal article yet. I'll probably take this back soon. Boo. Here's Pink and Blue: Telling the Boys from the Girls in America by Jo B. Paoletti.

This has worn me out so I'm gonna take a quick nap. I'll probably come back and edit a few things later. Bye!

Games we lose (Journal from sometime in late July)

Do you ever play games in life that you can't win? Games that in fact you are playing all by yourself? You realize and know you can't win and yet you keep playing because you're competitive and what you're playing for is something big to you and maybe you've been yearning for it your whole life and maybe you can't even quite pinpoint what exactly it is, and yet...you won't win it and in truth it probably doesn't even exist. Hmm. Well...I don't know for sure but I think we've all played games like that in our own way.

Just for today, I gave up in my mind. I threw in the towel. I tapped out. I wanted off the train. Just for today, I accepted my complete and utter failure and defeat. I've been beaten and bested. I lose. I'ts exhausting and not who I am or want to be, its demeaning and in my opinion unattractive, I'm emotionally burned out from trying and continually coming up short, I feel defeated and like I've lost my spark, I'm depressed and trying my hardest to be stay on top of and confront some demons like shame, self-esteem, body image issues, confidence, self-worth, and feeling worthy of love that were there in smaller amounts before but are growing with each victory awarded to the other team, who I remind you is not even there, or playing.

Thinking about this today reminded me of that very important book I will always own and come back to, Oh, the Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss. I had to give it a read this evening. There are parts in there that remind me that I always have options...

"You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself 

any direction you choose.

You're on your own. And you know what you know.

And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go."

There are parts in there that remind me that of course I'll lose sometimes, probably a lot! But that everyone else does, too.

"Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.

Because, sometimes, you won't."

There is this part...

"I'm afraid that some times

you'll play lonely games too.

Games you can't win

'cause you'll play against you."

That, folks, is what I'm playing. A lonely, damaging game, that I'm playing against myself. Sigh.

Finally, there is the part that's broken my heart since I was a girl but always reminds me that no matter what happens to me in life, the days will keep coming and I'll keep breathing until they won't and I don't.

"All Alone!

Whether you like it or not,

Alone will be something

you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance

you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,

that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go

though the weather be foul.

On you will go

though your enemies prowl.

On you will go

though the Hakken-Kraks howl.

Onward up many

a frightening creek,

though your arms may get sore

and your sneakers may leak."

I'm trying and I'm doing my best. I believe each of us is responsible for our own happiness and this game I'm playing? I'm trying to look at it as an opportunity to sit back and see these ugly parts of me at work and do my best to make a positive difference. 

I'll leave you...but not without the reassurance (really for myself lol) that tomorrow is another day and difficult feelings never last forever. Hasta luego!