Okay got to class early again and was alone again...
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I had another emotionally charged drive this morning to school. I was...hypervigilant, as my therapist called it. I felt dangerous when I was like that. Like a bomb, waiting for the wrong thing to happen and I would kill someone, or at least fuck them up pretty bad.
There was another mangled blazer sitting there on my way off the base. I almost burst into tears right then. I hoped it helped someone, somewhere but fuck! that shit was torture. All I could envision was our mangled bodies or how we must have looked while it was going down--limp bodies being hurled through glass like rag dolls, skin and skulls splitting open, bones crunching, tires squealing. The entire prom was behind us when it happened and I would give almost anything to have seen it happen. On the way to school on the interstate I though about the all too familiar scene in my head. The one I had created and used often as some kind of way of judging my character and those around me. A high speed interstate crash, ugly, one that made the news and took a long time to clean up. I would be on the brink of death and I would have to make the choice--to fight to stay alive or to let death finally take me. This particular morning I still didn't have an answer. I sighed and felt relief rush over me as I envisioned finally letting go and dying. But I also felt the urge to fight for everyone else. Mostly for my little boy though.
Okay class started so that all for today.
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I fantasize about death often as a coping mechanism.
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