My feelings of guilt have been growing steadily for the past few months. As Taison get older I am finding myself wanting to get out and do things more often. He is not an infant anymore and I am pretty comfortable leaving him with Daddy for a few hours. At times I feel great...inspired to go out and conquer the world lol. All I really want to do is go kayaking for the first time, go hiking, mountain bike, or buy rollerskates and skate outside. I have been on a road to self-discovery and have never felt this close to being happy but there is something that is keeping me from letting go completely. GUILT! Guilt from what I think my parents and family think about my decisions, Guilt from what I think society thinks I should be doing. Guilt from what I think my husband or his family thinks I should be doing. Guilt from me about what I have internalized about what I SHOULD be doing at this point--which is this--going back to work! Of course another income would help out but we are not hurting. It would put that dream of home ownership a lot closer at this point and I would not have to feel so guiltiy about spending money on things like my hair or makeup. But I would totally sacrifice my happiness. It is a choice between finally living the life I want, being "outdoorsy", cooking, spending time with my family, watching my son grow, being active, having plenty of time to really soak up and learn from my classes, with plenty of time for reflection and healing my broken pieces OR working a full time job and trying to fit the rest of that in there somewhere. I worked from 14-23 and never had time for a quater of that stuff. Every day was centered around what time I had to go to work and what time I got off. Then I would throw in eating, sleeping, and socializing and that was about it. I was SOOOOO depressed and seriously would sit at my desk most days trying to figure out how to escape the viscious cycle of the day to day. It was maddening! I do think that I would like to work again at some point after I finish college and can do what I would like to do--or at least be on that path--but for now I feel like this COULD be MY time. These have the potential to be some of the best years of my life I think. But what about my husband. Shouldn't he be able to do the same thing?! I'm sure he would love to galavant around doing whatever he wanted and having loads of fun and "me" time too. But by me not working the financial burden falls on him. Who is to say that I should not go to work and let him stay home? It makes me feel so guilty! Plus, these things take money;kayaking, buying roller skates, hiking gear, shoes, sportsbras, books. None of these things are necessities that apply to my "job" of raising our little guy and "keeping house". I feel so guilty even thinking of purchasing them. It feels so wasteful. On the other side, its ME. I am not a waste so why should I feel guilty about buying something that would aid in my heppiness. If I need a new sportsbra so that my boobs aren't flopping around while running then I deserve it dammit. UGH!
I know what the correct answer is in order to live MY life with no regrets. The problem is that the correct answer for me just does not seem to match society's answer. It is sad!
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