Dark places

It's after 3am and I won't sleep yet. Gotta get this out I guess. I can hear everything in the silence; my husband's breathing as he sleeps in the next room without me, the dog panting next to me, the hum of all the electronics, my typing.

I went to a former coworkers house today who is grieving and it has me a little stirred up. She clearly needed to take our conversation to dark places so I went to dark places. It was a beautiful day today and I'd just come from the beach with my kids and then there I was, discussing human suffering, death, grief, the meaning of life, Christianity, mental illness, support groups, etc. It was jarring, though not exactly unexpected.

Anyway, when I left I felt...dirty? Or maybe like there's a dark blanket in that house, one that I'm all too familiar with, and I couldn't wait to get it off me again. I definitely shut down completely over there to be able to have those conversations and I ended up telling her that in the grand scheme of things, I didn't trust her at all. That because I'm not connected to her and never formed that kind of attachment with her, that it was never something that was needed or came up for me. I could see in her face when I said it that it hurt her and its something I wouldn't have said out loud if I wasn't in that head space but without emotions I can be very, very blunt and brutally honest. Mean, even. I feel very sorry that bit happened. As I left, she told me she loved me, which makes my skin crawl with guilt, and wants me to come back more often to hang out more. Sigh. I came home and immediately fell asleep for awhile but even after waking up, it just felt like I lost all my momentum for the day. I wondered around, not really doing anything but not doing nothing either. Now, I'm here...

There were warm things in my day. The warmest things I have actually. Things that make life worth living and things I'm thankful for. I'm going to think of those things and try to get some sleep...