It's after 3am and I won't sleep yet. Gotta get this out I guess. I can hear everything in the silence; my husband's breathing as he sleeps in the next room without me, the dog panting next to me, the hum of all the electronics, my typing.
I went to a former coworkers house today who is grieving and it has me a little stirred up. She clearly needed to take our conversation to dark places so I went to dark places. It was a beautiful day today and I'd just come from the beach with my kids and then there I was, discussing human suffering, death, grief, the meaning of life, Christianity, mental illness, support groups, etc. It was jarring, though not exactly unexpected.
Anyway, when I left I felt...dirty? Or maybe like there's a dark blanket in that house, one that I'm all too familiar with, and I couldn't wait to get it off me again. I definitely shut down completely over there to be able to have those conversations and I ended up telling her that in the grand scheme of things, I didn't trust her at all. That because I'm not connected to her and never formed that kind of attachment with her, that it was never something that was needed or came up for me. I could see in her face when I said it that it hurt her and its something I wouldn't have said out loud if I wasn't in that head space but without emotions I can be very, very blunt and brutally honest. Mean, even. I feel very sorry that bit happened. As I left, she told me she loved me, which makes my skin crawl with guilt, and wants me to come back more often to hang out more. Sigh. I came home and immediately fell asleep for awhile but even after waking up, it just felt like I lost all my momentum for the day. I wondered around, not really doing anything but not doing nothing either. Now, I'm here...
There were warm things in my day. The warmest things I have actually. Things that make life worth living and things I'm thankful for. I'm going to think of those things and try to get some sleep...
Baby corn is growing despite it almost freezing two nights this week.
Baby corn a few days ago
The "Internets" say its time to thin out the weaklings, add some extra nitrogen fertilizer, and then they'll be on their way! When I am SURE that there won't be any more cold nights, I'm going to plant the bean and cucumber seeds as well as the tomatoes and eggplants! Garden still going good!
I finished How to be a Woman. So good! When I was coming to the end I didn't want it to stop. She was like that aunt or older cousin that doesn't have to be your "parent" figure and just told you things straight. I'm lucky I had one of those cousins growing up. Anyway, there are still things about feminism and being a woman that I haven't quite figured out how I feel about yet. What this book did for me was to expose me to some new ways of thinking I hadn't necessarily heard before and in the most hilarious ways. Loved it! Now I'm ready for something COMPLETELY different and on the hunt!
Today I got a bigger and better job. It will be the first full-time job I've had since 2007 when I left the working world to stay home with my kids for their first few years. I've been after this job and working my way up to this since 2014 and I now have only one more step on the ladder before I reach the height of my career aspirations. After that, I'll make new career goals that will probably have to do with contributing to my field. However, one step at a time and I plan to settle in for a good year or so of learning. I'm scared to death. Lol More on that in a later post I presume. Oh! This also happened to be one of the HUGE goals I had for 2019 so I was able to mark that shit off the list today and it felt good. Yeah!!
Tomorrow is International Women's Day so in honor of our day, here is a little segment I saw today on YouTube from the World Surf League.
Being a woman isn't easy. Being a man isn't easy. Being a human being isn't easy. There are moments when I hate being a woman because of all the things that go with it but most days I'm really proud to be in my "group"! I get inspired by hearing women's stories and experiences like these and have been since I was a little girl so I'm grateful these stories and experiences are out there.
Quote time! I've been mulling this one over this week...
“Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men. Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers. Pray for powers equal to your tasks. Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle, but you shall be the miracle. ”
-Reverend Phillips Brooks
Yay and yum! I love how bright green it is when its fresh and the smell was heaven. All basil and garlicky. Mmmm. I got a lot more basil than I anticipated from just the tiny bit it had grown so far and its just going to keep growing. Basically, its going to be pesto summer 2019 in here.
Pesto on baked potatoes
Pesto on pasta
Pesto on eggs
Pesto on rice
Pesto on steak
Pesto instead of pizza sauce
Pesto on baguettes
Pesto on steak
Pesto in soups
Pesto everywhere!!!
Fortunately, everyone in the house loves the stuff. My littlest couldn't stop sneaking little tastes while I was making it. I'll be keeping the bigger container out and will freeze the bags. Anything that can come out of the garden, be frozen, and still be good later is wonderful, isn't it?! Plus, pesto is expensive at the store. I'm grateful not to have to buy it for awhile.
Guess what else? I believe the corn started sprouting today! I'll catch a pic in the next day or two once I see how its going to do. This is pretty much exactly what I looked like when I went out to the garden this morning to check and saw it... via GIPHY
Guess what else, else? lol We have bats at my job that come out each night (obviously as that's what bats do lol smh) and now that its getting warmer, if it's not busy we like to congregate outside to see them off. For some reason this never gets old and the sounds they make are extremely cute. This week I caught a bit on video because I wanted to put it here so I could always remember a happy thing from this job.
That's it for tonight shit-stains! I'll leave you with these two quotes that resonated with me this week.
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." -J.R.R. Tolkien
"Trauma creates change you don't choose. Healing is about creating change you do choose." -Michelle Rosenthal
I found a handwritten journal entry from January 2014 today and it was weird looking back. I'll put it here as it was written. Anything changed will be in [].
Well, its Sunday. Each one has a similar flavor; panic over what still needs to be done in order to be ready for the week ahead, trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life, and rebelliousness and refusal to do anything other than whatever the hell I want. I usually end up doing a smattering of all three and feel alright about it. Meh.
The garden is coming along and things seem to be growing this time...so far. I'm not claiming victory yet.
Herbs/Flowers
The corn was planted this morning after soaking overnight so fingers crossed there that it won't be too cold for it. Technically, it wasn't supposed to go in before March but I wanted it to get a head start. Maybe I made a rookie mistake or maybe it will turn out ok. Like I said, fingers crossed.
Each morning I go out to look at the plants, pull a weed or two, see what's changed...overnight. lol Hey, it's relaxing, don't judge me! The dooder likes to come, too, and see what I'm up to. If I dig somewhere, he digs somewhere else. If I lay somewhere, he lays too. If I sit, he's right beside me. Today he observed me digging and planting the corn so he dug up a fresh patch of dirt in a sunny spot to relax and make sure all was going well.
Dooder approved
The basil is growing for sure and I think we'll be able to have homegrown pesto on pasta for dinner one night this week. Oh, and look who I found lurking there this morning. A ladybug! These guys are beneficial for the garden, eat pests, and more importantly have babies on the plants that turn into voracious, pest-eating predator larvae. RAWR!! Welcome to the basil neighborhood little guy! Invite your friends!
Create army please!
The tomato cages arrived the other day as well as the rest of the seeds. The rest of everything will go in the ground when March arrives. Anyway, so far, so good and that's enough of that for now!
I've given up on a few books I was trying to read in print. Sigh. The Russian story had gone absolutely NOWHERE a third of the way through so that had to go. I tried for the fourth time to read a Dean Koontz novel and almost halfway through it I just couldn't hang any longer. Everybody seems to dig Dean Koontz but apparently he's not for me. I'm dabbling in a social media book for continuing education at work, picked up a project management for dummies book so I can get the scoop there, and may tackle the next Saga which is at my house right now. I miss Lying cat. Plus, that'll be short and I think I need a confidence booster.
For anyone on Netflix and looking for something to watch, I'm completely stuck up the butt of this documentary called Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat. Here's the trailer.
Love her, love the food, love watching her cook, love that she takes inspiration from all over the world. Check it out!
Well, I was going to mow the front yard but ooooooh darn, its raining now. ;) Guess I'll just have to continue doing nothing!
The nerd in me was strong today. So strong that even my coworkers, who happen to be huge nerds themselves, were teasing me. That has to be a new personal low...or high! :) What was I doing to cause such teasing????
Planning the garden! That doesn't sound very nerdy lol but let me set the scene. I had cleared an entire space at my desk, had my notebook out with various pens and pencils, an eraser and ruler, and about 25 tabs open on my computer. Also being consulted was my phone and various printed publications from the Duval county extension agency. What can I say? Things were serious. As you'll see below, there are four 8'x4' raised beds and I like using square-foot gardening as a guide. Oh, and yes, I'm aware there are online programs that do this same thing for me but I don't like those as much.
I present to you (aka myself lol), for memory's sake, the 2019 spring garden layout! I've learned things each time I've had a garden in this house so unlike last fall (if things will actually sprout and grow this time!), I think it will do okay!
For example, last time I did corn this happened...
The corn grew and grew and was so exciting! The green beans were growing, too! Things were growing great! OMG! Aaaaand then the beans kind of took over. Using the corn for the beans to climb worked out great. However, I think the corn needed to have a head start on growing before the beans started because it never got to reach its full height before the beans kind of strangled it. Literally! There were areas where the bean vines wrapped so tightly around the corn that it was digging in and causing deformities. Also, the package had recommended four corn plants per square foot and that proved to be too many which I also think stunted the growth. In the same vein, I think there were too many bean plants for the amount of corn. I did get some baby corn cobs that grew and that was fun but they never fully formed and so while it looked cool and provided a functional role for the beans that year, I never got to eat any corn. Booooo. Ate so many green beans though!!! Yum!
This time around I did some research and learned that one corn plant per square foot is better for better and happier corn AND fewer bean plants won't cause as much stress. On top of that, I'm going to plant the corn 2-3 weeks before the beans this time and fertilize more than just at the planting.
Corn & Green Beans
Will apply the same logic to the corn and cucumbers bed. I haven't had success with cucumbers yet even though I've tried twice before. I think from what I read today that I'll need to be more cognizant about adding natural fertilizers throughout the season and making sure this bed has adequate water for it to actually produce edible cucumbers. Seems like cucumbers might be a little more fussy than the other stuff. Be strong cucumbers! I want to eat you! I've never grown the cucumbers with the corn so I'm not sure if they'll climb or not so we'll see. I also think since corn needs to be in a bigger grouping to pollinate right that having two beds of it next to each other instead of just one will help it along, too. Fingers crossed!
Corn & Cucumbers
Basil, basil, basil. Basil always goes crazy and does well. Needless to say, every summer with a garden here has been full of homemade pesto. Love it! Will be planting a lot more this year though! Tomatoes have been tricky so far so I'm determined to improve on these as well this time around. It's the cages. Tomato cages found in stores suck. They just suck. Too small, too flimsy, pointless. My mom had amazing tomato cages when I was a girl but I found out later they were constructed with farm fencing. Something I'll probably do in the future when I have more space, IF I ever have more space... Anyway, aside from the plants and seeds, this will probably cost me the most money out of the whole garden project but if it will save the tomato plants from toppling over halfway through summer then I'm down to try. I usually get good tomatoes but never enough. Will also try to be better in this bed about natural fertilizers and more consistent watering.
Tomatoes & Basil
Eggplants have always gone great and should be no problem but no luck has been had with peppers thus far. I'm determined and again, I think with better and more consistent fertilizing and watering, something will happen!
Eggplants & Peppers
As always, I like companion planting so there are lots of beneficial flowers and herbs planned out in each bed as well. The seeds were ordered today and I think I found a 25% off coupon so may order the cages tonight. I have my list ready to go for all the plants to buy and which get planted in the first wave and the second. Please, please, please let this time be a success. I really miss the garden. :(
In other news, I was checking up on goals for the year and was able to cross another one off. Ready?!
I finally benched the big girl plates at the gym!! (135lbs) Love getting stronger :)
Also today, I learned from my coworkers how to use Reddit and Tumblr, brought home a book with some Excel practice stuff in it, learned there was such a thing as the Excel World Championship (SUPER NERDS!), and my interest was piqued with project management stuff. I want to learn more about it because it seems like something I might dig and could use to help keep my home projects more organized and moving along.
How about a song! Yes! I'll leave you with a favorite from my teenage days and helped to get me through a tough few sets of squats in the gym the other day! Sometimes you just have to get back in those dark places! Song starts 32 seconds in ;)
