On self-esteem

Yesterday I...

• felt the sun warming the side of my face while I was driving and it made me smile. I was grateful.
• clipped the fingernails of a man I barely know at work. I was kinda grossed out but as a human being he needed help and asked me for it so I did it. It was a little surreal lol
• made a new grilled cheese but not really. In reality I made a duplicate by accident. Ugh! Lol
• was told by one of my children that he doesn't think his brown skin looks as good on him as a lighter skin would. He'd rather have skin like the people he's playing in his games. (White) Sigh. 😔😔

OK! Topic change!

I've had a backslide on self-esteem issues. I had to basically start from scratch in my early 20's and have worked really freaking hard to get where I am today with my little baby self-esteem so I'm not going to let this get any more out of hand. I busted out my book last night (because books are what I do baby!) to do an exercise which I'll put some of here. Watch me work!! 😊

So it goes like this. There are some words listed and I'm to check the ones that apply to me. Some were easy. I'll put those in green. Some made me hesitate and I felt slightly dishonest but directions specifically say "if you sometimes are, or have been, reasonably..." so those will be in yellow. Some were even harder and caused some mental battling as in, technically, yes...maybe, sometimes, but I'm fighting it. lol I'll put those in orange. The rest in red are either I have never felt they apply to me, no longer apply, don't feel they apply yet, and would feel like a liar to say that they do. 

Here we go!

Humorous, mirthful, or amusing

Loyal, committed

Literate

Strong, powerful, forceful

Determined, resolute, firm

Patient

Rational, reasonable, logical

Sensitive, or considerate

Appreciative

Industrious

Successful

Open-minded

Spontaneous

Flexible or adaptable

Affectionate

Adventurous

Handy

Punctual

Gentle

Trustworthy

Loving

Creative or Imaginative

Clean

Friendly

Compassionate, kind, or caring

Disciplined

Generous
Conciliatory 

Respectful, or polite

Principled, ethical

Responsible, reliable

Encouraging, complimentary

Intelligent, perceptive

Cooperative

Forgiving, or able to look beyond mistakes or shortcomings

Tranquil or serene

Energetic

Expressive

Assured or self-confident

Enthusiatic, spirited

Optimistic

Trusting, seeing the best in others

Inutuitive or trusting of own instincts

Persuasive

Talented

Cheerful

Organized, orderly, or neat

Sharing

Attractive

Well-groomed

Physically fit

Tactful

Graceful, dignified

Looking at this list like this, a couple things immediately pop out for me.

1. Some things that are in yellow or orange and even a couple in red were at one point in green. Backsliding indeed!! For example, I mean, come on Aberiah. You're intelligent...SMH. But if I'm being deep down honest right in these last few...however long, I don't feel intelligent nor have I been telling myself I am. I often feel stupid and have been telling myself the same for lacking common sense or not being able to do math in my head or making little mistakes or comparing myself to others. That's a no-no and needs to stop.
2. Almost all the things in red make some significant, somewhat hurtful memory or memories pop up in my mind that is related to it. For example, trusting (parents), talented (mom), sharing (mom), attractive (parents). Some I don't know how to fix but I think I'll write at least some of those out. However, that's not for this blog. Need to try to get those things out and hopefully let them go. Just because I was told I was or was not something before doesn't mean that has to be my truth about myself today. Some things for me to think about there.
3. Look at those greens up there. Awwwwww. I'm proud of my greens! 😊

Part two!! I'm to come up with 15 nice statements about myself but the catch is they have to be totally believable for me. I've played this game before. It's not easy but the trick is to get crafty with the wording. 😉 I can use some of the words up top.

1. I have a strong and determined mind and my focus is killer!! 💪I'm tough!
2. I'm sensitive, empathetic, and very affectionate. 🤗
3. I'm open-minded, love learning new things,  and thrive on spontaneity.
4. I'm highly adaptable.
5. I'm adventurous, playful, and love to laugh.
6. I work hard to get what I want and where I want to be.
7. I'm appreciative and grateful.
8. I'm patient, loyal, and understanding. 
9. I'm thoughtful and a good listener.
10. I'm ambitious and independent.
11. I see the beauty in the little things.
12. I'm dependable and brave.
13. I'm perceptive, insightful, and fair.
14. I'm passionate about the things I do!!!❤
15. I'm a go-getter and generally achieve the goals I set for myself.💪

There. Look at that. I'm alright after all! 😉

Gonna look at these every day for awhile, until they soak in like they should.

I'll leave you with a couple songs. These have been on repeat for the last two days and seem to be covering all the emotions I need from music at the moment. I killed these on the way home from work today!! LOL I mean, who "car concerts" like I do?!

And here's something that made me laugh. Does everyone remember Prodigy's Firestarter. Great song! No? Here's a refresher...


What made me laugh was this video I ran into again...


That's pretty much me as a mom. lol. I remember rocking my baby the first few times and realizing I didn't know any of those songs. You know, the ones that mothers are supposed to know and sing to babies?! Ummmm. What did I do? I improvised! Shout out to all the moms out there who are winging it every single day!

Laters!!!